Baa Baa Blackmail

James Proclaims (4)

“Baa Baa Black Sheep, there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding…”

“Really sir, and why do you say that?”

“Well, as you’ll recall, I just asked you if you had any wool…”

“Indeed you did sir…”

“And you intimated that you have three bags full, presumably full of wool?”

“That they are sir, full to bursting with the finest wool they are…”

“Well, I was hoping to buy that wool…”

“Oh, right…I see…” Continue reading Baa Baa Blackmail

James Complains – About A Shouty Man

Friday’s post signalled an end to my Blogging 101 days. Technically there were some follow-up tasks to do on the weekend, but I’d already decided the course was over, so there was no going back. However the final task did lead me to contemplate what regular features I might run on this blog, and the suggestion that generated the most overwhelming enthusiasm was a feature entitled James Complains, where I complain about stuff.

I’ve bowed to peer pressure and this is the first entry into that particular series.

Now I have a notion why people think this would be a good idea. I do have something of a sarcastic edge to my writing at times (or all of the time) and I imagine the ideal scenario would be this:

I begin a diatribe about an aspect of society familiar to us all, I point out some fairly obvious failings about the ‘thing’ in question and then I get lots of responses in my comments like :

“This is so true, lol.”

“LMAO, this always happens to me…” Continue reading James Complains – About A Shouty Man

All you will find out by reading this is that I have a new football.

James Proclaims (4)

Today I bought a football.

I know that there is something of an international readership of this blog, so I want to make sure everyone knows what I mean by ‘a football’. It’s an inflatable spherical object used to play a game of the same name. In America the game is called ‘soccer’ and therefore the spherical object is known as a ‘soccer ball’. That’s because in America there’s a different game that goes by the name of ‘football’. In the UK we call that  game ‘American football’, and the not-spherical inflatable object that is used to play ‘American football’, we refer to as ‘an American football’.

Now that we all know what I mean by ‘a football’, we can go back to the fact that I bought one today. Continue reading All you will find out by reading this is that I have a new football.

Arise Sir Blogger

James Proclaims (4)

Well it’s day 15 of blogging 101 and we’ve made it. Just one more task to complete and I can become an officially licensed blogger.

So what have I learnt?

Well the main lesson would probably be that blogging about blogging, even when you’re doing it ironically, has a limited appeal.

I’d like to thanks those of you that have stuck with me this far. I know it hasn’t been easy…

I’d also like to congratulate all of my fellow Blogging 101ers. I hope we can stay in touch.

Maybe we could have some kind reunion event next year? Continue reading Arise Sir Blogger

You Need This Stuff

James Proclaims (4)

It’s been a refreshing two days of not gently mocking the rudimentary online learning programme that is ‘Blogging 101’, yet my last two posts were, in fact, assignments for said course. Some might say that my writing is more appealing when it’s not specifically on the topic of blogging. To those people I say…

…well, you probably do have a point. Continue reading You Need This Stuff

The Room is Booked Until Twelve

Unusually for me, the following is a short piece of fiction. It was written in response to this week’s Literary Lion prompt – Escape.

The Room is Booked Until Twelve

Brian drained the last of his tea and looked desirously at the chocolate hobnobs that were, infuriatingly, just out of reach.

Geoff leaned over and grabbed one, almost as if to rub it in.

The ‘minute hand’ continued its leisurely passage towards the top of the clock where the ‘hour hand’ was waiting impatiently.

Geoff continued with point five of the agenda, reading the minutiae of the Senior Management Team’s latest thinking on productivity, all through mouthfuls of chocolatey-oaty goodness. Continue reading The Room is Booked Until Twelve

Say Hello To My Little Friend

James Proclaims (4)

This is Humpty.

IMG_1060

You might know him better as Mr Dumpty.

But I call him Humpty, because we’re on first name terms.

Humpty and I have been friends since I was but a small child. Humpty was made by my amazingly talented aunt.

My Humpty is not the original Humpty. The original Humpty was an egg, whereas my Humpty is an egg-shaped soft toy made of wool. My Humpty is better because when he sits on a wall, even if he subsequently has a great fall, he doesn’t need any of the king’s horses or indeed any of the king’s men to put him together again. Continue reading Say Hello To My Little Friend

Imagine This Title Was Something Clever About Blogging

James Proclaims (4)

It’s the final week of ‘Blogging 101’. Five more days of following an entirely optional course about blogging and being unnecessarily sarcastic about the whole process…

Or maybe not…

Maybe the final week is the time to get serious.

I don’t want to look back and regret a missed opportunity when they decide on the classification of my ‘Blogging 101’ certificate.

What do you mean I don’t get a certificate? Why else would anyone do this? Not for the ‘Blogging 101’ badge surely? Cos they give you that at the start of the course… Continue reading Imagine This Title Was Something Clever About Blogging

I bet Luke Skywalker didn’t send a card either…

James Proclaims (4)

Disclaimer

In the 363 words that follow this disclaimer, there are:

210 words of insincerity for comic effect, 22 words of heartfelt sincerity and 131 words of something else.

End of disclaimer

First things first. It’s Fathers Day today and I’ve forgotten to send a card. So if you’re reading this Dad:

Happy Father’s Day!

Frankly if you’re not reading it then it’s not my fault you didn’t get the message. If anyone should be reading these pages avidly it’s you. You’re my father. If you don’t support my endeavours, however misguided they may be, then who will? Continue reading I bet Luke Skywalker didn’t send a card either…