Month: July 2015

La Fontaine

Pete looked incredulously at the winged serpenty-lions gushing water into the fountain. According to his online guide, they were supposed to be dragons. But the heads were definitely lions. And the bodies were snakes. What do you get when you cross a lion and a snake? Not a bloody dragon that’s for sure. He was…

Alice Accepts Her Fate

“You’ve got to live life to the full,” Pete declared, through mouthfuls of chicken and leek pie, “you could get hit by a bus tomorrow and kablam! Then it’s all over before you even realise what’s happened!” Alice knew her brother meant well, though he could have chosen a better example to support his argument. The…

James Reviews – Fifty plastic money bags

Do you get really stressed when you’re at the checkout, and always pay with a note, even when you’ve got the exact change in your pocket? Then these plastic money bags are absolutely essential! Because inevitably you’re going to have lots of loose change lying around. And that can be annoying.

A Little Less Perspiration

Oh empty deodorant can Why do you sit there On my bathroom shelf Mocking me with your emptiness? I should have thrown you out Several days ago When first you stopped providing me With forty-eight hour protection

All Hail King Bromfell

Bromfell saw the village in the distance. It was a welcome sight. He had ridden for many hours and both he and his beloved horse, Alcris, were tired. He patted the stallion’s neck. “Not far now old friend,” he said, “soon we shall find respite.” The smell of freshly harvested hops served as an extra…

James Reviews – A Jedi Themed Dressing Gown

This dressing gown is a must have. When you’ve had a tough day fighting Sith lords and Stormtroopers, there’s nothing better than kicking back and relaxing in one of these luxurious robes. Equally if the force isn’t quite as strong with you, or you’re now in your mid-thirties and therefore ‘too old to begin the…

Summer Wardrobe Essentials

Early one morning On a high street like any other Before the retail giants had even begun to yawn I saw a man asleep in a doorway In the window of that same establishment A well-known clothing outlet Written in garish pink, were the words ‘Summer Wardrobe Essentials’

James Complains About People He Doesn’t Like

I think I’m often misrepresented as someone who doesn’t really like other people. I’m overly sarcastic and it’s been suggested more than once that I don’t suffer fools gladly. I suppose that’s true, I don’t ‘suffer’ anything gladly. Who suffers gladly? But I’ve got nothing against fools who don’t make me suffer. In actual fact…

Making Merry

“Ok Bazza, it’s your round!” Barry looked at the three-quarters-full pint of warmish lager in front of him. “I don’t really want another drink to be honest,” he replied. “But it’s your round!” Toby remonstrated, aghast at his friend’s poor comprehension of pub etiquette. Barry took a sip of his tepid pilsner, and felt the…

More Haste, Less Speed

Welcome back to my regular Monday feature where I publish something that looks like it might be a poem but on closer inspection may not be a poem. Is this a poem? You decide… More Haste, Less Speed “More haste, less speed!” Said the Rabbit This was an odd thing for a rabbit to say,

A Bit Of Introspection

I nearly made it a whole seven days without blogging about blogging, but yesterday I cracked and wrote a tongue-in-cheek post that was very much about blogging. It was partly through the limitations of time and partly through a total lack of inspiration. ‘Blogger’s Block’ if you will. So today I thought I’d use my…

Robbie Wants A Rocket

The familiar melody was growing louder. Robbie was excited. So often he was forced to listen to those chimes come and go, leaving him with nothing more than a bitter taste of disappointment. “We’ve got ice-lollies in the freezer,” his mum would say. Robbie always protested. The ice-cream van sold rocket lollies…

James Reviews – Drumstick Pencils

Could this be another new feature on James Proclaims? A feature where I regularly review stuff that you may, but probably won’t, find useful? Only time will tell. Today I’m reviewing something that I got given as a Secret Santa gift in December 2013. I am reviewing these drumstick pencils.