If I had three wishes I’d really like to believe I’d wish for peace on Earth All suffering, I’d relieve But if I’m really honest I doubt that I’d do that I’d wish for a box-set, beer and pizza And spend the evening getting fat
Month: August 2016
James Complains About The Perils Of Online Trouser Ordering
Recently I ordered a pair of trousers from a well-known online retailer. I order lots of stuff online but very rarely trousers. Normally I like to buy trousers in an actual shop because, in my experience, the various makers of trousers don’t seem to consult with each other when it comes to sizes and frankly,…
A Shred Of Hope
Brian had been on ‘shredding’ duties for over a week. It had just been him, the machine in a tiny room on the seventh floor, away from the comforts of his desk, the camaraderie of his colleagues and, more pertinently, a long way from the coffee machine.
Ode To An Irrational Fear Of Gardeners
Mightier than the sword Is the noble pen An idea that is flawed Every now and then For I’d rather have a blade If attacked by a hoard Of cultivating men Each armed with a spade
James Reviews The Rio Games From The Comfort Of His Sofa
As I write this I’m half aware of some brightly coloured fruit and vegetables dancing in front of me. I’ve checked the ingredients of the M&S “Spirit of Summer” Cocoa and Pecan fudge that I’m currently snacking on (a welcome and undeserved gift from Mrs Proclaims who just returned from the afore-mentioned M&S), to see…
Memories Of 2012
It’s easy to be cynical about the Olympics if you want to be. Stories of drug cheats, athletes behaving badly, and excessively sycophantic media coverage can leave you feeling a little jaded with it all if you let it. But aware, as I am, of the numerous reasons to dislike elements of the self-styled…
Put It All Out There
Occasionally I like to put together a medley of things other people wrote into what is commonly known as a ‘Found Poem’. I didn’t invent the idea – loads of people do it. I particularly enjoy the work of comedian Dave Gorman in this genre. I felt it might be an appropriate genre to apply…
James Reviews ‘The Rentokil Advanced Fly Trap Window Sticker’
There are no flies on me. Literally. There were yesterday though. It’s unseasonably hot in the UK at the moment. I mean it’s summer so I suppose it is actually ‘seasonably’ hot but no-one really expects nice weather in Britain at any time of year and British summers are notorious for being miserable and wet.…
Olympic Inspiration
Watching Olympians Achieving their feats Can be inspirational And truly motivational Maybe in time I’ll use this inspiration To positive Life-changing Effect I’ll pull on my trainers And go for a run Or pick up a racket Or buy a new bike I’ll train and I’ll enter An endurance event I’ll push myself hard I’ll…
I’m Not Saying I’d Win Gold But…
If eating ice-cream Was an Olympic event I’d be in Rio
Know Your Limits
Did I really just drink all that wine? Aside from nausea, I’m still feeling fine Now the Bordeaux has gone Bring the next bottle on If I’m conscious then I won’t decline
The Dilemma
Jeff emptied the contents of his right trouser pocket onto the cheap, faux-pine, laminate and chipboard, coffee table. Spread out before him were a battered imitation-leather wallet, one he’d had since his late teens, and a handful of coins. There was a barely discernible logo on the front of the wallet, representing a brand that…
James Complains About Holidays
A few days ago Mrs Proclaims and I returned from our summer holiday. On the whole it was a thoroughly pleasant city break that was, at times, charming, fun and intellectually stimulating. Generally I enjoy most holidays and few things give me and my beloved more pleasure than poring over our old holiday photos and…
James Proclaims! 