James Complains About The Perils Of Online Trouser Ordering

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Recently I ordered a pair of trousers from a well-known online retailer. I order lots of stuff online but very rarely trousers.

Normally I like to buy trousers in an actual shop because, in my experience, the various makers of trousers don’t seem to consult with each other when it comes to sizes and frankly, unless I try them on before I leave the shop, it’s something of a lottery as to whether they will fit or not. Continue reading James Complains About The Perils Of Online Trouser Ordering

A Shred Of Hope

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Brian had been on ‘shredding’ duties for over a week. It had just been him, the machine in a tiny room on the seventh floor, away from the comforts of his desk, the camaraderie of his colleagues and, more pertinently, a long way from the coffee machine. Continue reading A Shred Of Hope

James Reviews The Rio Games From The Comfort Of His Sofa

James Proclaims (6)

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As I write this I’m half aware of some brightly coloured fruit and vegetables dancing in front of me. I’ve checked the ingredients of the M&S “Spirit of Summer” Cocoa and Pecan fudge that I’m currently snacking on (a welcome and undeserved gift from Mrs Proclaims who just returned from the afore-mentioned M&S), to see if there are any known hallucinogens therein. Seemingly there are not.

On closer reflection, the ‘dancing produce’ seem to be part of the closing ceremony for the Olympic Games. It appears that I’m watching the repeat of last night’s coverage on BBC2.

I don’t really know why I’m watching it. I’ve never been a fan of opening and closing ceremonies. Four years ago Mrs Proclaims and I did watch the 2012 closing ceremony on the TV, but mostly because of the huge emotional investment we put into those particular Games. Continue reading James Reviews The Rio Games From The Comfort Of His Sofa

Memories Of 2012

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Wenlock and Mandeville. Did anyone ever really know what they were supposed to be?

 

It’s easy to be cynical about the Olympics if you want to be. Stories of drug cheats, athletes behaving badly, and excessively sycophantic media coverage can leave you feeling a little jaded with it all if you let it.

But aware, as I am, of the numerous reasons to dislike elements of the self-styled “Greatest Show On Earth” I always find myself getting caught up in the hype.

Like many of our country-folk, Mrs Proclaims and I have been avidly following the Rio games. Indeed we’ve both become a little obsessed. Continue reading Memories Of 2012

Put It All Out There

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Occasionally I like to put together a medley of things other people wrote into what is commonly known as a ‘Found Poem’. I didn’t invent the idea – loads of people do it. I particularly enjoy the work of comedian Dave Gorman in this genre.

I felt it might be an appropriate genre to apply to the Olympic games and have been paying close attention to the media over the last few days.

Watching the  coverage , I’ve been amused by some of the overly-excited commentary at the various events.  So I’ve transcribed and collated a few bits and pieces into the abomination below. As I heard these little insights rather than read them, I’m going to refer to this little effort as a ‘Heard Poem’.

I’ve no idea if it will catch on as a genre but I’ll certainly be listening to sports commentary and news debates more attentively in the future. Continue reading Put It All Out There

James Reviews ‘The Rentokil Advanced Fly Trap Window Sticker’

James Proclaims (6)

There are no flies on me.

Literally.

There were yesterday though.

It’s unseasonably hot in the UK at the moment.

I mean it’s summer so I suppose it is actually ‘seasonably’ hot but no-one really expects nice weather in Britain at any time of year and British summers are notorious for being miserable and wet.

So the fact that the sun is shining, and has been for some weeks now, must surely be regarded as ‘unseasonable’.

Or at the very least ‘unseasonably seasonable’. Continue reading James Reviews ‘The Rentokil Advanced Fly Trap Window Sticker’

Olympic Inspiration

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Watching Olympians
Achieving their feats
Can be inspirational
And truly motivational

Maybe in time
I’ll use this inspiration
To positive
Life-changing
Effect

I’ll pull on my trainers
And go for a run
Or pick up a racket
Or buy a new bike

I’ll train and I’ll enter
An endurance event
I’ll push myself hard
I’ll give it my best

I’ll be leaner and stronger
I’ll be fitter and faster
I’ll be pure self-improvement
I’ll be a much better me

But if I’m brutally honest
Watching back-to-back
Olympic coverage
All day and all night

Is serving to inspire
A compelling desire

To watch a lot more telly

Perhaps with a nice slice of cake