If I had three wishes
I’d really like to believe
I’d wish for peace on Earth
All suffering, I’d relieve
But if I’m really honest
I doubt that I’d do that
I’d wish for a box-set, beer and pizza
And spend the evening getting fat
James Complains About The Perils Of Online Trouser Ordering
Recently I ordered a pair of trousers from a well-known online retailer. I order lots of stuff online but very rarely trousers.
Normally I like to buy trousers in an actual shop because, in my experience, the various makers of trousers don’t seem to consult with each other when it comes to sizes and frankly, unless I try them on before I leave the shop, it’s something of a lottery as to whether they will fit or not. Continue reading James Complains About The Perils Of Online Trouser Ordering
A Shred Of Hope
Brian had been on ‘shredding’ duties for over a week. It had just been him, the machine in a tiny room on the seventh floor, away from the comforts of his desk, the camaraderie of his colleagues and, more pertinently, a long way from the coffee machine. Continue reading A Shred Of Hope
Ode To An Irrational Fear Of Gardeners
Mightier than the sword
Is the noble pen
An idea that is flawed
Every now and then
For I’d rather have a blade
If attacked by a hoard
Of cultivating men
Each armed with a spade
James Reviews The Rio Games From The Comfort Of His Sofa
As I write this I’m half aware of some brightly coloured fruit and vegetables dancing in front of me. I’ve checked the ingredients of the M&S “Spirit of Summer” Cocoa and Pecan fudge that I’m currently snacking on (a welcome and undeserved gift from Mrs Proclaims who just returned from the afore-mentioned M&S), to see if there are any known hallucinogens therein. Seemingly there are not.
On closer reflection, the ‘dancing produce’ seem to be part of the closing ceremony for the Olympic Games. It appears that I’m watching the repeat of last night’s coverage on BBC2.
I don’t really know why I’m watching it. I’ve never been a fan of opening and closing ceremonies. Four years ago Mrs Proclaims and I did watch the 2012 closing ceremony on the TV, but mostly because of the huge emotional investment we put into those particular Games. Continue reading James Reviews The Rio Games From The Comfort Of His Sofa
Memories Of 2012
It’s easy to be cynical about the Olympics if you want to be. Stories of drug cheats, athletes behaving badly, and excessively sycophantic media coverage can leave you feeling a little jaded with it all if you let it.
But aware, as I am, of the numerous reasons to dislike elements of the self-styled “Greatest Show On Earth” I always find myself getting caught up in the hype.
Like many of our country-folk, Mrs Proclaims and I have been avidly following the Rio games. Indeed we’ve both become a little obsessed. Continue reading Memories Of 2012
Put It All Out There
Occasionally I like to put together a medley of things other people wrote into what is commonly known as a ‘Found Poem’. I didn’t invent the idea – loads of people do it. I particularly enjoy the work of comedian Dave Gorman in this genre.
I felt it might be an appropriate genre to apply to the Olympic games and have been paying close attention to the media over the last few days.
Watching the coverage , I’ve been amused by some of the overly-excited commentary at the various events. So I’ve transcribed and collated a few bits and pieces into the abomination below. As I heard these little insights rather than read them, I’m going to refer to this little effort as a ‘Heard Poem’.
I’ve no idea if it will catch on as a genre but I’ll certainly be listening to sports commentary and news debates more attentively in the future. Continue reading Put It All Out There
James Reviews ‘The Rentokil Advanced Fly Trap Window Sticker’
There are no flies on me.
Literally.
There were yesterday though.
It’s unseasonably hot in the UK at the moment.
I mean it’s summer so I suppose it is actually ‘seasonably’ hot but no-one really expects nice weather in Britain at any time of year and British summers are notorious for being miserable and wet.
So the fact that the sun is shining, and has been for some weeks now, must surely be regarded as ‘unseasonable’.
Or at the very least ‘unseasonably seasonable’. Continue reading James Reviews ‘The Rentokil Advanced Fly Trap Window Sticker’
Olympic Inspiration
Watching Olympians
Achieving their feats
Can be inspirational
And truly motivational
Maybe in time
I’ll use this inspiration
To positive
Life-changing
Effect
I’ll pull on my trainers
And go for a run
Or pick up a racket
Or buy a new bike
I’ll train and I’ll enter
An endurance event
I’ll push myself hard
I’ll give it my best
I’ll be leaner and stronger
I’ll be fitter and faster
I’ll be pure self-improvement
I’ll be a much better me
But if I’m brutally honest
Watching back-to-back
Olympic coverage
All day and all night
Is serving to inspire
A compelling desire
To watch a lot more telly
Perhaps with a nice slice of cake
I’m Not Saying I’d Win Gold But…
If eating ice-cream
Was an Olympic event
I’d be in Rio
