An Awkward Encounter at the Deli Counter

James Proclaims (4)

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Saturday lunchtimes are often a conundrum for Mrs Proclaims and I. Most meal times are pretty regulated these days due to a highly efficient grocery-shopping schedule.

(That’s right I’ve opened a post with the phrase ‘highly efficient grocery-shopping schedule’. This one’s going to be roller coaster of a post…)

Essentially we get our groceries delivered every Sunday and Wednesday by a major supermarket. We do this because neither of us can be trusted to actually go to the supermarket and restrict ourselves to purchasing the stuff we need. Very often other stuff finds its way into the trolley. Stuff that is bad for us. Continue reading An Awkward Encounter at the Deli Counter

Magic Moodles

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What’s this?

A bonus ‘Artist’s Corner’?

After Friday’s stunning portrait of Mrs Proclaims and me, surely I’ve given enough art to the Blogosphere for one weekend?

Well, yes, frankly I have.

Yet I have been moved once more to display my formidable talent in the prestigious realm of the doodle.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I present to you, arguably one of my finest creations, the noble ‘Upside-down-head Duck’.

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It is, quite literally, a picture of a duck with his head on upside-down. Continue reading Magic Moodles

This One Could’ve Gone Either Way…

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Welcome to another instalment of Artist’s Corner.

After a slightly surreal couple of weeks I decided to go in a different direction this week and drew a portrait of Mrs Proclaims and me.

The likeness is uncanny.

Still, there was a slight chance that my beloved wife would be offended by the above interpretation of us…

Fortunately she found it charming and has even kept the original paper copy for herself.

Then again, with ‘talent’ like mine, there’s every chance that scrap of paper could be worth millions one day.

She’s very shrewd, that wife of mine…

 

 

Podiatric Problems

cold-feet
I’ve got cold feet
Less because
I want to withdraw
From an undertaking
To which
I have
Perhaps ill-advisedly
Committed
And more I think
Because it’s January
And I’m wearing neither
Socks nor slippers

Still, I sometimes wish
That the UK government
Had experienced slightly cooler feet
Than they clearly did
When committing to
An ill-conceived referendum
Several months ago

Double Digital Detox

James Proclaims (4)

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Just over a year ago my phone decided to spontaneously combust.

Up until that point it had been a functional but nonetheless unglamorous model of smart phone. It was the best one I’d ever owned, but significantly less good than the phones most other people seemed to own. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I’ve never really got on board with the whole digital revolution so I’ve generally gone down the ‘budget’ route when it comes to mobile technology.

Still it was light years ahead of the phone that Mrs Proclaims had, which was one of those phones that was, well, really just a phone. I mean you could text with it as well but not much else. If I was not a fan of digital media, then Mrs Proclaims might actually have been a little bit afraid of it all. She’s still not entirely sure what an ‘app’ is to this day.

Don’t judge her though – she knows an awful lot about eighteenth and nineteenth century French literature.

Which is rarely useful (but quite impressive?).

Also her phone never set fire to itself. Continue reading Double Digital Detox

A Singer Fit For The Job

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Ok, if I’m brutally honest, this is just a rubbish picture of a singing pig that I drew a few weeks ago, while generating ideas for my new ‘Artists Corner’ feature. But then I realised it was quite a big day politically so, in the absence of any genuinely insightful satire, I’ve crowbarred this in as a slightly clumsy nod to political events elsewhere.

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So today is the inauguration of Donald Trump. Apparently it’s quite a big deal but there is a shortage of celebrities willing to endorse his presidency and sing at the event.

Which seems like a shame.

But I’ve found someone who’s suitable.

And like Trump he’s kind of a big deal. And also kind of a pig deal.

Here is a privileged glimpse of the great Porkerotti in rehearsal for his upcoming performance in the Boarber of Seville.

Despite being one of foremost operatic talents of his species, Porkerotti has never forgotten his humble beginnings.

“Fame hasn’t changed me much,” he squeals, “sure my home is less of a pigsty these days and I must admit I’m partial to the odd truffle, but I’m never happier than when I’m playing backgammon with my mates or when I get to watch my beloved West Ham play.”

Like Trump, Porkerotti also hates women, immigrants and basically anyone who is different to him.

Still, he is a singing pig, so you’ve got to love him.

Indeed his latest role has already received positive reviews.

To quote one critic, “that’ll do pig, that’ll do.”

 

 

Oh Dirty Mug

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Oh dirty mug
Tea-stained and forlorn
How long have you sat there
Unwashed
Perchance unloved?

And though my need is great
For a beverage warm
And comforting
To refresh my soul
I shall once again
Eschew you
Ignore you
In favour of your
Cleaner brethren
In their ivory tower
(Or off-white kitchen cupboard)

Though take comfort
Dirty mug
In the knowledge
That once used
A clean coffee cup
Itself becomes
A dirty demitasse
A grubby goblet
A vitiated vessel

So soon
You will languish alone
No more

James Complains About Free Stuff

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Not actually free or indeed ‘the best things’…

It’s a popular maxim that ‘the best things in life are free’.

I’m less than convinced that’s the case.

I’m not sure that there’s much at all in life that’s actually free, let alone the best things.

In fact, so convinced am I that the best things in life aren’t free, that I actually did a bit of research prior to writing this particular diatribe.

Not too much research obviously, I wouldn’t want my usual ill-informed and meaningless stream of consciousness to be overly influenced by ‘facts’. Continue reading James Complains About Free Stuff

Gangster Cauliflower

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Well technically he’s a ‘Gangster Cauliflower Floret’. But if this dude wants to drop the ‘floret’ and just go with ‘Gangster Cauliflower’ then who are we to argue?

To be fair though ‘Gangster Cauliflower Floret’ is what he is, not who he is.

He has a name.

Probably.

Maybe even a few hobbies.

Perhaps when he’s not ‘gangstering’ he likes more passive activities.

Maybe he’s into cross-stitch.

Who knows?

Cos right now he’s going to work and no-one wants to get in his way.