Part 2 of my confessional about how I’ve become a less interesting person over the years and it is time to focus on a perennial lie on my CV – the claim that I enjoy long distance running. To reflect that fact, this is a longer-than-usual post. A marathon of a post if you will. Don’t say you weren’t warned…
I’ve never enjoyed long distance running. I can’t think of anything I’d rather avoid than running of any description to be honest.
I’m not built for it for one thing. Until settling in the town of Reading in 2013, I led something of a nomadic existence. I’ve lived in a few places in the UK and I even lived for a few years in Paris (more of which later). The one thing that moving around means is changing GPs. And every time you change GP you have to go and have a medical. Consequently, no-one is more aware than me that I am, according to my BMI score, obese.
It’s a horrible word, obese. I often wonder if it’s specifically designed to make you feel bad about yourself. Cos if someone describes you as obese, then you’re going to want to do something about it aren’t you?
And I would, but I think it’s fair to say I’m also quite fit.
I’m no Olympian but I do exercise a reasonable amount. Continue reading Stuff I Used To Do But Don’t Do Anymore (Or How I’ve Become A Less Interesting Person Over Time): Part 2 – I Just Kept On Running (Or I Did For A While And Then Gave Up…)
Time again for another ‘Artist’s Corner’.
Once again I’m participating in the Moodle Army Challenge from Haylee’s Aloada Bobbins.
This week’s challenge is to PUT YOURSELF AT THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE!
I wasn’t really sure how to interpret this one to be honest. Disappointingly I couldn’t think of a clever play on words. I considered drawing a half man/half horse combination in space and dubbing it ‘The Centaur of the Universe’ but that seemed beyond my level of artistic skill and, also, I’m not sure it would have been that funny. We’ll never know though because I didn’t do that.
Instead I thought an appropriately tenuous link might be to just to draw something space-related. Continue reading Jedi James
It was almost daylight
As I drove to work this morning
Almost a reason to be cheerful
And almost optimistic
About the fact that winter
Is almost over
In a few weeks I’ll be waking up to sunshine
To longer days
To vitamin D
But my inner pessimist
Couldn’t help but point out
That I’ll no longer be able
To blame my bad moods
On Seasonal Affective Disorder
And I may have to acknowledge
That I am, in fact, at times
Just a bit grumpy
These days I’m all about paying the mortgage on time, pretending to eat healthily (then sneaking an extra slice of cake when no-one’s looking) and watching endless TV shows and movies, often, but not exclusively, with some kind of comic book/superhero theme.
Maybe there’s more to me than that. Maybe I’m selling myself short. Maybe I’m still a fascinating person to know. But the evidence is, increasingly, pointing to the contrary.
I do have this blog. That’s pretty interesting I suppose. Although I have quite happily blogged about the nuanced flavourings of tinned soup, a car sticker that allows me access to the local recycling facility, and difficulties encountered when ordering a pair of trousers online, so, although this blog probably is one of the most interesting things about me, it’s perhaps overstating things a little to claim that this blog actually qualifies me to call myself an ‘interesting person’.
As it happens I don’t list this blog on my CV.
What I do have on my CV though, is a load of stuff that is patently untrue. Continue reading Stuff I Used To Do But Don’t Do Anymore (Or How I’ve Become A Less Interesting Person Over Time): Part 1 – A Relatively Pointless Preamble
Friday is normally my favourite day of the week, but when it comes at the end of a week when I’ve been off work anyway, it’s less of a good thing.
Fortunately, Friday seems to be becoming the day I post my contribution to the ever growing Moodle Army – brought to you by Haylee from Aloada Bobbins. The entire point of the Moodle Army is to draw doodles that make you happy and I was certainly more upbeat once I’d completed this one.
This week’s challenge was to ‘Draw Your Lucky Charm’
I don’t really have a lucky charm but I pondered the theme nonetheless and my response is this:
Lucky Charms Aren’t ‘Lucky’ For Everyone…
If you read yesterday’s limerick, you might have surmised that I was feeling a little under the weather. Indeed, I have had something of a cold for the last few days. It’s nothing serious, I’m not here to elicit sympathy – it’s just a cold.
I’m certainly not claiming to have had ‘Man Flu’ or anything like that, mainly because ‘Man Flu’ is a made up concept popularised by a media which likes to stereotype character traits based on gender, race, sexuality and any other neat little box they can crowbar people into. I don’t subscribe to the idea that my gender has any particular impact on how badly affected by an illness I am.
So I fully admit that I’ve just got a cold and while I’d definitely rather not have one, I haven’t been making a fuss, I haven’t been trying to get Mrs Proclaims to do stuff for me because I’m too ill. I’ve been pulling my weight, fulfilling my domestic duties and generally getting on with stuff that needs to be done. Continue reading James Has A Sick Day
A head cold never brings me much cheer
Regardless of the time of the year
I feel lost in my head
And my nose is bright red
So I look like a famous reindeer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Except (of course)
That isn’t true
Because a rose by any other name
Might smell as sweet
But a rose by any other colour
Would still be a rose
And a rose can be many colours
Though the colour known as ‘rose’
Is a kind of pink
And violets are really not blue
The clue is in the name
Because a violet by any other name
Would still be the colour violet
Which is really more purple
Regular readers of this blog will know that I rarely write about work.
This is for a number of reasons, not least of which is that this blog is very much my escape from the daily grind so to dwell on the quotidian minutiae of my profession would seem to be in direct contradiction of that sentiment.
Also it might be a tad unprofessional, given that much of my job entails working with some fairly dysfunctional young people. It’s not that that doesn’t generate some amusing tales, quite the contrary, but to share those tales outside of the confidences of a few, well-chosen, colleagues might not be a brilliant long-term strategy for career enhancement.
Obviously I fully intend to give up my day job as soon my talents as a writer, comedian and all round entertainer are recognised by the popular media, but as yet such acknowledgment has yet to present itself in the form of a jaw-dropping book deal worth an obscene amount of money, or the chance to write, direct and indeed star in my own artistically-credible-yet-accessible-to-the masses sit-com.
This could be down to a lack of effort on my part to make such dreams a reality.
Or it could be a lack of talent.
It’s probably both. Continue reading James Complains About The Bag Of Shame
This week’s Moodle Army challenge from Haylee off Aloada Bobbins is to draw my ‘heart’s content.’
There are so many ways to interpret that.
I could have drawn a contented (happy) anthropomorphic heart.
Or I could have drawn the contents (inside bits) of an actual heart. Gross but clearly ticking all the boxes.
Or I could have done something a tad more sentimental.
But none of that sounds like something I would do.
Instead I’m sticking with an anthropomorphic heart, but a rather less endearing character. My heart is somewhat dishonest and likes to conduct his dodgy dealings out of a canvas home.
So, without further ado, I present this week’s offering which is:
My Heart’s Con Tent