And so today is the last day of November. Which is a good thing, because November is rubbish. But tomorrow is December. And December is better. Because it means that Christmas is coming, and Christmas is good. That said, Christmas has been very much on the agenda for a while now. I think my ‘office’…
Month: November 2017
Let’s All Just Take A Moment to Acknowledge My Momentous Achievement
This month I have derided, mocked and otherwise made-fun of various November ‘traditions’. Many of my posts this month have been mock-ups of potential novels in an affectionate sendup of National Novel Writing Month, while I have also derided (at times with a touch less affection) such November notables as Movember, Black Friday (and it’s…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 12
As November draws to a close, so too must my series of not-novels that I won’t be writing for this year’s NaNoWriMo. If you’re actually participating in NaNoWriMo, and you haven’t yet given up, then worry not – you still have another two days to hit the coveted fifty-thousand-word count. Also, I salute you, I…
A Slightly Confusing Metaphor To Illustrate How Utterly Redundant Cyber Monday Is As A Concept.
Sometimes I like to think of Black Friday as the ‘bad guy’ in a second-rate action flick. He’s over-the-top and stupid, but poses a genuine threat to our hero – ‘Captain Common-Sense’. Oh no! How will Captain Common-Sense survive that unbeatable deal on headphones? How will he remember that he already owns a perfectly good…
Let’s Make A Day Of It
I enjoy a made-up-day as much as anyone. This month alone we’ve observed ‘World Sandwich Day’, ‘World Television Day’, ‘World Toilet Day’, ‘World Kindness Day’, ‘Beaujolais Nouveau Day’ and the ever-ridiculous ‘Black Friday’. And those are just the ones I’ve mentioned on this blog. I missed the opportunity to cover ‘Hug-a-Bear Day’, ‘Spicy Guacamole Day’…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 11
Back by ‘popular’ demand, here is my eleventh suggestion for a novel that I could have attempted to write during the annual novel-writing festival that is NaNoWriMo. But to be clear, I’m not writing any of them. Because they are not good ideas. And today’s ‘not good idea’ is the following: Children Of Dystopia Are…
Happy Black Friday Day
Well, here we are again, at the culmination of the Black Friday celebrations. After an exciting ‘Black Friday Week’ in which the deals were, quite literally, too good to be true, we arrive at the day itself. Black Friday Day. Surely everyone’s favourite day of the year. A magical day. I’ve already bought five new…
I’m Still Not Entirely Sure What It’s All About…
Happy Thanksgiving! Is that the correct greeting today? I don’t know. I’m British. We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving over here. Or I don’t anyway. I can’t speak for all British people (unlike many Brexiteers who think it’s perfectly fine to speak for all British people all of the time…) But I’m not familiar with anyone celebrating…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 10
Have I really come up with ten of these? Well no, as it happens I’ve come up with eleven. But this is the tenth. The eleventh is coming soon. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s just enjoy number ten. For it is the wonderful: Quest Fallen If you like Sci-Fi and Fantasy, then…
The World Is Watching
Apparently today is ‘World Television Day’. I don’t know why we need a day for that. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching TV as much as anyone, but is it really worthy of its own day? Evidently so, for today is that day. It’s not even one of those frivolous ‘made-up-for-the-sake-of-it’ days like ‘World…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 9
Here I am again with another idea for a book I’ll never write. Where do they keep coming from? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a gift I have. In which case, it’s quite a rubbish gift. Still, if that’s my place in the grand scheme of things then who am I to argue? Today’s non-contribution…
James On ‘The Toilet’
There are many arbitrary calendar dates that have been requisitioned for commercial or charitable reasons dotted throughout the calendar. There’s someone at my place of work who likes to email everyone on a quotidian basis to let us all know which particular ‘day’ it is. It’s annoying. I genuinely wish she would stop doing it.…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 8
Another day, another horrendously bad idea for a novel. A novel I won’t be writing. In honour of my continued non-participation in this year’s NaNoWriMo. Although one person’s idea of a bad novel is another person’s idea of a ‘must-read’. It’s all subjective really. There’s probably no such thing as bad or good. It’s all…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 7
Ok people, you know the drill. This is the bit of my blog when I tell you about a novel that I’m definitely not writing in order to fully ‘not participate’ in this year’s NaNoWriMo. There’s a hint of Scandinavian whimsy about today’s effort as I present: The Old Man Who Did Something It’s essentially…
Have A Vin-Tastic Day
Today is Beaujolais Nouveau Day. It’s a day when the wine makers of the Beaujolais region in France would like you to sample their latest ‘vin de primeur’ or ‘vin de l’année’. A ‘vin de primeur’ is a wine that is meant to be drunk the year it was produced. It’s not going to improve…
A Beacon Of Convenience
Before Mrs Proclaims and I moved to Reading, we spend a year living in an overpriced flat in High Wycombe. High Wycombe is in Buckinghamshire, which might give people the impression that it’s a well-to-do sort of place. It isn’t especially. I never like to speak ill of a town – it’s possible that someone…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 6
If I were taking part in NaNoWriMo, I’d almost certainly be on track with my word count and winging my way towards a commercial and critical success. Instead I’ve chosen to affectionately lampoon the whole thing by sketching out ideas for novels I will never write. Because they are bad ideas. Today’s worthless would-be work…
My Kind Of Day
Today is ‘World Kindness Day’. It’s also ‘Kindness Day UK’. It’s something of a coincidence that both events seem to be happening on the same day. It makes me wonder why there’s even a need for ‘Kindness Day UK’. Why can’t we just all participate in ‘World Kindness Day’? Is it something to do with…
A Short, Inadequate Post About Remembrance
Today is Remembrance Sunday, the nearest Sunday to Armistice Day, which was yesterday. Up and down the country, and indeed all over the world, there will be services to remember those who died in military service during the First World War, as well as those who fell in subsequent wars. It’s a sombre occasion, and…
Artificial Armistice Anger
Today is the 11th November or Armistice day. It’s 99 years since the end of the First World War – at the time regarded as “the war to end all wars”. There have, of course, been many other significant wars since, so the intense devastation and huge loss of life did not, alas, lead to…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 5
Hello people that are reading this, and welcome to the fifth of my ‘novel’ ideas for novels that I almost certainly will never write, except in the unlikely event that someone comes across this post and wants to read the finished work so badly that they are prepared to give me a stack of cash…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 4
Hello lovers of fiction and welcome to the fourth instalment of books I won’t be writing for this year’s NaNoWriMo. I won’t be writing them partly because I’m not participating in NaNoWriMo, but, in the case of these particular novels, I won’t be writing them because they are genuinely dreadful ideas. That’s the preamble over…
A Truly Tremendous And Amazing Year. Like, The Best Of All The Years. A Great Great Year.
Happy Trumpiversary everyone! Ok so it’s not actually been a year since the great man took office, but it is a year since he shocked the world by winning the presidential election, and, for some of us in the UK, managed to compound the trauma of Brexit. Gosh the liberal elite were shown a thing…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 3
Hello literature fans, I’m back with the third of my ‘novels that I definitely won’t be writing’ in honour of my non-participation in NaNoWriMo. Today I’m taking things to the dark side as I present: The Scary Gardener Horror always does quite well doesn’t it? And even if it’s a genre I don’t particularly enjoy…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 2
Hello fellow Internet-users. I’m back with more evidence as to why I really shouldn’t participate in the year’s National Novel Writing Month with another idea for a novel that no-one should ever write. The title of this non-idea is as follows: The Darkness Of The Light This ‘clever’ sounding title is my attempt at literary…
Remember Remember the 5th of November
It’s the 5th November, a day when we, in the UK, celebrate by going to watch things burn and explode. Some of us call it Bonfire Night, which makes sense because there’s often a bonfire. A bonfire, for those of you that don’t know, is a controlled outdoor fire, often but not exclusively used for…
Not NaNoWriMo – Part 1
Two days ago, I explained that I would not be participating in this year’s National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo to the aficionado). This is mainly due to time commitments but also partially because I can’t really think of anything I’d want to write an entire novel about. I did speculatively play around with some…
Are You Filling Bready?
Apparently today is ‘World Sandwich Day’. Well, to be fair it only seems to be a major retailer of submarine-roll based meals that is declaring it to be a global event. This particular company is trying to push the day on us Brits for commercial reasons. Presumably with a view to selling more sandwiches. I…
November Novelties
Yesterday I wrote about how growing a moustache is something you can do to help you get through the atrocious month that is November. But if moustache-growing is not your thing then another November hobby you could try is novel-writing. For November is National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo as it is affectionately known. It…
Movember Madness
So it’s November, a month that is genuinely hard to love. It’s cold, dark and miserable. It’s like December but without Christmas. Yes there are fireworks, but that’s pretty much it, and they’re all done and dusted before the end of the first week. Thankfully there are ways to survive November, to help us all…
James Proclaims! 