I find myself insomnolent At three in the morning Can’t get back to sleep Though day is several hours from dawning It’s a frustrating situation Because I am truly tired But I don’t think that I will get The sleep that is required I try to relax by breathing I expand my diaphragm But the…
Month: January 2018
James Explains Giraffes Amongst Other Things
Welcome back to that bit of my blog where I pretend I’m going to explain stuff but then don’t explain anything much at all. This week, as ever, I’ll be answering the questions of other people. People like Haylee who previously asked about lions and bears and hot dogs and jaffa cakes and is still from…
Ninety-One
Do bloggers blog about the very act of blogging when they can’t think what else to blog about? Perhaps so. I know I’ve been guilty of that before. And perhaps I’m guilty of that today. I’ve got loads of things I want to blog about though, so this post is not entirely about a lack…
Magic Penguin And The Continuing Lack Of Action
Magic Penguin, Fat Giraffe and Stupid Donkey were enjoying a few drinks in the Shoe and Phone one afternoon. Fat Giraffe was a little irritated by Stupid Donkey’s appearance in a second successive story. “So you’re going to be a regular fixture then?” he asked, failing to mask his animosity. “Yeah, the writer felt that…
An Early Start
As he navigated the narrow streets of the old town, Martin noted that the weather was a touch colder than he’d anticipated, and he slightly regretted leaving the warmer of his jackets in his hotel room. The hoodie he had grabbed in his hasty exit was slightly inadequate. It was, however, still quite early and…
Better A Witty Fool Than A Foolish Wit
Today begins a new theme on Artist’s Corner. For the next few weeks I’ll be producing portraits of some of history’s greatest literary and cultural figures. Because what better tribute to these great minds than a slightly rubbish doodle? Is this a portrait of Shakespeare I see before me? Er, yes it is.
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 4: Gremlins 2 – The New Batch
No-one could accuse the 1984 comedy horror movie Gremlins of taking itself too seriously. But as tongue-in-cheek as the original Gremlins is, the 1990 sequel Gremlins 2: The New Batch is absolutely bonkers. Anarchic and completely irreverent, at the time of its release I was absolutely convinced it was superior to its predecessor. I was,…
Stupidly Happy
Oh to be an idiot That would be rather good I’d like to not know anything And not know that I should To be ignorant of my ignorance To be unaware I’m thick To have the intellectual capacity Of a fairly stupid brick I wish I was dim-witted That I understood much less Were I…
James Explains Jaffa Cakes Amongst Other Things
Welcome back to another ‘James Explains’ – the home of knowledge. But not the home of wisdom. Or knowledge really. This is a place where questions will be answered. Not always, admittedly, with the correct answers. But it’s the thought that counts. And so on with the questions: Glen who previously asked about combs and…
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman!
At the moment I appear to be in quite a bizarre place health wise. The Christmas period certainly did very little to reduce my weight. And by weight I do, of course, mean mass. Weight, as anyone who studied science to a fairly basic level during their school days will know, is a force and…
Magic Penguin And The Third Character
One afternoon Magic Penguin and Fat Giraffe were imbibing alcoholic beverages in the Shoe and Phone, as was their way, when in walked Stupid Donkey. “Alright mate?” said Magic Penguin greeting his old friend. “Not bad,” replied Stupid Donkey, “How are you guys? The exchange of banal greetings continued for a few more moments as…
A Super Day Out
Tony drained the last few dregs of the tea that represented the culmination of that morning’s breakfast. Not the healthiest of breakfasts, he was bound to admit, and certainly far from economical, but as nothing in the service station was particularly good value for money, he felt that paying over the odds for a bacon…
Can Can
Alacrity in aluminium, a pot of positivity, if you need a tin who is tenacious, a receptacle that’s resolute, a jar that will get the job done, then rest assured, this can can.
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 3: The Fugitive
It’s a valid criticism of modern cinema that much of the current output comes in the form of sequels (and indeed prequels), or remakes/reboots of movies that already exist. Or multiple adaptations of the same novels. Or big screen reimaginings of much-loved TV series. The resurgence of the small screen, thanks in part to online…
Coping With Stress
It’s best not to ponder All of your fears That way lies madness It’ll all end in tears Beating stress is quite simple A doddle in fact Just forget all your woes And you’ll have it cracked There’s no need to focus On tasks uncompleted If you attempt to achieve them You’ll end up defeated…
James Explains Hot Dogs Amongst Other Things
It’s Tuesday and according to my not-very-strictly-observed blogging schedule, today is the day I explain things. It may well be things that people have asked me to explain or it could be things that no-one asked me to explain. It may be things I know something about or it may be things I know nothing…
I’m Not Being Racist But…
As someone of mixed race, it is, of course, technically impossible for me to be racist. Except that it isn’t. For, despite being a remoaning bleeding-heart leftie, I am capable of the odd moment of prejudice. I don’t want, or mean, to do so, but I have made judgements about people based on ethnicity, gender,…
Magic Penguin And The Career Decision
Magic Penguin and Fat Giraffe were spending the afternoon playing darts and drinking heavily in the pub of their choice, the inimitable Shoe and Phone. Fat Giraffe was winning easily. “One hundred and eighty,” bellowed Fat Giraffe as he landed a third consecutive treble. It was a treble seventeen, which made Fat Giraffe’s claim slightly…
A Change Of Pace
Arnold liked routine. His working day followed a familiar pattern beginning with two medium-sized soft boiled eggs consumed with brown bread soldiers, each one cut with military precision to the same size and shape. Next came his thirty-three minute walk to work, for an 8:45am start, where he conducted his daily administrative duties with an…
Misinterpreting Literature
The Book Thief is a 2005 novel that was adapted into a 2013 film of the same name. I haven’t read the book or seen the film but I imagine I’d probably enjoy both. Certainly what I do know of them suggests that they are worthy works that depict the horrors of the Nazi regime and…
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 2: Speed
1994’s Speed is often referred to as Die Hard on a Bus. Which is a little unfair. While many action flicks owe much to the mighty Die Hard I’m not sure Speed really does. Unlike John McClane, Speed’s protagonist, Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves), spends very little of the movie fighting and killing bad guys.…
Financial Fragilities
Now December is over And I’m feeling poor My credit card’s maxed out There are wolves at the door Not literally of course The wolves are metaphoric But there are bills to pay And they’re not allegoric And though Christmas was fun It came and it went And during its course I may have overspent…
James Explains Rubber Duckies Amongst Other Things
Hello and welcome back to ‘James Explains’, the bit of my blog where I explain stuff. This is the first proper ‘James Explains’ after last week’s introductory post. And the response to this new feature has been absolutely whelming. Which is to say neither underwhelming (which would’ve been no questions at all) nor overwhelming (which…
James Complains About Eggs-tremely Early Easter Eggs
By anyone’s standards, Christmas is well and truly over for another year. I, alas, had to go back to work on the 3rd January, which seemed a little early given that it was very much within the 12 days of Christmas. I’m not sure it should really be legal to make people work while Christmas…
Magic Penguin And The Broken Fourth Wall
Magic Penguin and Fat Giraffe were frequenting their local public house one afternoon, as was their tendency. Fat Giraffe was drinking a generic lager, but Magic Penguin had opted for a more pretentious craft IPA. The Shoe and Phone (for that was the name of the establishment that they were currently patronising) was relatively empty,…
The Teapot
The old china teapot was not the most glamourous of vessels, the design had long since faded and the spout was chipped in such a way that transferring the scolding liquid into a mug was often something of a lottery. Nonetheless, Bruce was convinced that the tea, which survived the perilous journey from pot to…
Angry Apricot
It’s been a while since my last Artist’s Corner. So you’d imagine that I’d have produced something awesome in honour of its return. But all I could think of was this: I don’t even know why it’s angry.
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 1: Demolition Man
After spending most of December writing reviews of Christmas(ish) films, I’ve decided that I should make the reviewing of movies a more regular feature on James Proclaims. After all, there are films out there that don’t include even the vaguest of references to Christmas and they shouldn’t be precluded from featuring on this blog just…
Calories Are Not Just For Christmas
It’s not that I’m sick of the festive fare But there still seems to be lots of it everywhere And it’s hard to stop eating high calorie treats When the cupboards are full of chocolates and sweets Willpower has never been a friend of mine If temptation is there then I’ll rarely decline And though…
James Explains ‘James Explains’
It’s the second day of 2018 and, taking the metaphorical bull of ‘New Year Good Intention’ by its equally metaphorical horns, I’ve decided to do something new on James Proclaims. And by new I mean something old. But new to these pages. I’m bringing back ‘James Explains’. If you go to the ‘About’ page of…
Beginning The Journey To A Brand New Me
So 2017 is but a distant memory and now it’s all about 2018. And what better way to start the new year than by making some New Year’s Resolutions? Because convention dictates that this is the day that we all need to take a good long look at ourselves and realise that we just aren’t…
James Proclaims! 