James Explains How To Blog

Hello bloggers and bots, it’s James here, off of the multi-award nominated blog, ‘James Proclaims’.

I’ve been at this blogging malarkey for over five years now (if we ignore all the blogs I started and then abandoned in the preceding years. Of which there were a few) so I’m something of an expert. Indeed after five years of blogging I’ve achieved the highest level of expertise that it’s possible to have. Because it takes exactly five years to achieve that.

If I’d been blogging for six years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

If I’d been blogging for seven years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

If I’d been blogging for eight years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

Five years is what it takes.

Have I made that clear?

If I’d been blogging for nine years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

So I am officially and legally an expert blogger.

But it occurs to me that some of you less experienced bloggers don’t really know how to blog properly.

And you need help.

Help that only I can provide.

So, if you want to stop having a rubbish blog and start having a good blog like this one, then you need to do the following immediately:

Step 1: Blog on WordPress. I assume that most of you have already got this bit right, because you’ve managed to find this amazing post and that’s much easier to do if you’re already on WordPress. But sometimes I do get visitors from places like Blogger.

Seriously, Blogger!

WordPress is better than Blogger for many reasons. Many many reasons. But we don’t have time to deal with those now. One of the great things about WordPress is that you can pay them money for things to make your blog better and you should do this because you don’t want to have a rubbish blog. Pay them whatever they want and don’t ask stupid questions. Also something about blocks.

Step 2: Get lots of followers. This is the absolutely most important bit about blogging. The best way to get new followers is to follow lots of other people and ‘like’ all of their posts. Don’t worry if that sounds like a lot of work because it isn’t. You don’t really need to read their posts. At all. However, if someone is being particularly stubborn and not following you back, then occasionally commenting on their blog with things like “Great blog!” or “Nice post!” will definitely win them over. So do that.

Step 3: Don’t attempt to be creative. Blogs aren’t for that. You’re part of a community now so just write things that other people will like. Whatever everyone else is talking about, make sure you talk about it too. And definitely make sure you agree with all the people in your community – they’ll be the ones that you are reciprocally following. It’s really important to try and sound like you might be saying something controversial and important while actually regurgitating what everyone else is saying.

Step 4: Your blog must have a purpose. Make sure that is clear. Otherwise you’ll never make any of the freely available money that is available to bloggers everywhere. Except for those chumps over on Blogger.

Blogger! Ha!

Step 5: Whatever the purpose of your blog is, ultimately the main purpose of your blog is to blog about blogging. If you’re new to blogging it’s really important to let everyone know how super excited you are to be blogging and how grateful you are to all of the bots who have decided to follow you. Then after a couple of years you might want to start mixing it up a bit and start being a bit snarky about certain ‘types’ of bloggers. And maybe start using words like snarky even though you don’t really know what they mean.

Step 6: When you’ve been at it a while you can start lamenting about how blogging isn’t as good as it used to be and how you really feel like giving up. But don’t actually give up. Just keep endlessly writing posts that suggest that you will.

Step 7: You’ve made it! You’re a proper blogger with all of the requisite skills. Now you have to pass on what you have learnt and dedicate your blog to making other people into better bloggers.

Ok, follow all those steps and you might one day have a blog that is almost as good as this one.

Why not tell me how helpful you found the advice in the comments section?

Oh and in case you were wondering – if I’d been blogging for ten years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.