Hello lovers of fiction and welcome to the fourth instalment of books I won’t be writing for this year’s NaNoWriMo. I won’t be writing them partly because I’m not participating in NaNoWriMo, but, in the case of these particular novels, I won’t be writing them because they are genuinely dreadful ideas.
That’s the preamble over with. Now, without further ado, today’s disastrous notion for a novel is the following:
The Golden Socks
More of a children’s tale this one. Cos they often do well don’t they.
Magic and mystery, adventures galore, child protagonists that are possibly orphans but at the very least have some kind of parental difficulties that may or may not be central to the plot.
Is this a light-hearted ‘good versus evil’ romp, with cartoonish characters and an ill-judged notion of what constitutes poverty and privilege, with some gratuitous Latin thrown in from time to time in an effort to create the illusion that the derivative and clichéd plot (though still undeniably entertaining) is more intellectual than it actually is? Will there be some kind of wise mentor figure that dies? Will other peripheral characters occasionally meet their end in an attempt to create the an artificial air of darkness?
Yes, you can expect all that and more.
Plus, there will probably be a comedic talking animal. Or loveable goblin. Or maybe a talking shoe.
Hello literature fans, I’m back with the third of my ‘novels that I definitely won’t be writing’ in honour of my non-participation in NaNoWriMo.
Today I’m taking things to the dark side as I present:
The Scary Gardener
Horror always does quite well doesn’t it?
And even if it’s a genre I don’t particularly enjoy myself, I’m certainly happy to cash in on its popularity.
As with my other non-novels, I haven’t got quite as far as thinking up a plot for this particular oeuvre.
But it’s going to be genuinely scary. And probably feature some sort of a gardener.
I’m out sure whether I’m going to go for a more subtle form of horror and slowly build up the tension in a predominantly real world setting which features a gardener who is a little bit sinister or go for a full-on theatrical over-the-top piece with a supernatural gardener and horticultural horrors such as tree that eat people.
Trees that eat people?
I’m scaring myself as I write this!
A sure-fire hit if ever I heard one.
I feel a mild disclaimer is required for this particular piece of fiction. I hope it’s clear that I’m parodying a particular genre and everything below was written with tongue firmly in cheek. Nonetheless I can’t ignore the fact that this particular genre is quite popular commercially so I reserve the right to adopt ‘Professor Peter Turnbottle’, without even a hint irony, as the hero of a novel that I may write in a shameless attempt to secure an agent and book deal in the future.
Professor Peter Turnbottle examined the letter again. It made no more sense upon the second reading.
“Contained in this note is a warning
That a day full of peril is dawning
I advise you leave now
Or I fail to see how
You won’t draw your last breath this morning.” Continue reading The Limerick Code
“Baa Baa Black Sheep, there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding…”
“Really sir, and why do you say that?”
“Well, as you’ll recall, I just asked you if you had any wool…”
“Indeed you did sir…”
“And you intimated that you have three bags full, presumably full of wool?”
“That they are sir, full to bursting with the finest wool they are…”
“Well, I was hoping to buy that wool…”
“Oh, right…I see…” Continue reading Baa Baa Blackmail