I’ve always been more of a coffee drinker than a tea drinker, which perhaps defies the British stereotype. It’s not uncommon though, and truthfully I’m not anti-tea; I like tea too, I just prefer coffee.
I’ve drunk coffee for as long as I can recall; certainly, my habit began in primary school. If anything, my parents encouraged it—but you have to remember it was the eighties back then, and they were clearly preparing me for life as a yuppie.
It started out as instant coffee—bog-standard instant coffee at that. As I got older, my tastes became more “refined” and I went from Nescafe (or supermarket own-brand equivalent) to Nescafe Gold. Nowadays, if I have to drink instant at all, I’m very much a Kenco Millicano man.
But really, I much prefer real coffee. My wife bought me a coffee machine for my birthday last month and it’s been in constant use ever since. I wouldn’t say I’m a coffee connoisseur, because that would imply some sort of knowledge and expertise on the subject, but I am increasingly a coffee snob.
I also like availing myself of an Americano from the various coffee outlets in Reading town centre en route to work of a morning. I have noticed there is something of a disparity in both price and quality.
There are several vendors who profess to sell the best coffee in Reading. It can’t be true for all of them, but they do charge significantly more than those who don’t make such outlandish claims. I think it’s entirely possible to pick up a fairly decent-sized cup of coffee for around £1.00 to £1.50. At that price, it’s a little morning luxury.
However, one retailer recently charged me £2.90 for what was admittedly a very high-quality product. But it wasn’t so good that it was worth two cups of coffee from its neighbouring competitors.
Plus, the £2.90 coffee was served with a cocky swagger by an overconfident youth who thinks the job title “barista” actually means more than just being the Italian word for someone who works in a coffee shop. There’s nothing wrong with working in a coffee shop, but don’t oversell it. It’s probably something his mum constantly has to deal with:
“Marge, I hear your boy is a barrister, you must be so proud.”
“Well, not exactly a barrister, Vera…”
(I have genuinely no idea why I’ve used the names Marge and Vera. But I digress…)
The £1.20 I paid for what was actually just instant coffee from a kiosk in a town centre park a few weeks ago seems equally offensive on reflection. Because that’s a 40p cup of coffee at best. It’s a lovely park, but I’ll be importing my own coffee from now on.
The last word goes to the behemoth that is Costa Coffee. I don’t tend to frequent the high-street giants—I’m pretentious enough to prefer my coffee to be “indie”—but occasionally needs must.
In these places, the “baristas” are encouraged to upsell you from a small to a medium. It’s a trap I’ve fallen into numerous times.
“Would you like a large or just a medium?” is the loaded question they ask.
Sometimes I remember that there is a third, cheaper option. Sometimes I go with the medium, which is inevitably larger than I need.
For some reason the other day, I decided to go for a large. It was first thing in the morning, so my faculties hadn’t all kicked in, and it was post my £2.90 experience, so the £2.40 that Costa were charging didn’t seem too bad.
I was presented with a total monstrosity.
The last time I needed a two-handled cup to drink from, even my liberal-minded parents thought I was too young for coffee.
James Proclaims! 
14 responses to “Coffee-Counter Culture”
I absolutely love this post! Your writing style is great and reflects your humorous personality. I myself am an amateur coffee snob and I’d love to do a collaboration post about the love of coffee if you’d be willing, or at least have the permission to reblog this post and use it for a story. Great job on your post and the set up of your site as a whole.
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You absolutely have permission to reblog this! And always open to the idea of collaborating. Could be fun!
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James, this is such a fun post – i really dig it – you definitely have a gift for writing and i imagine would find it relatively easy to build up a steady audience…
Especially enjoyed: Plus the £2.90 coffee was served with a cocky swagger by an overconfident youth who thinks the job title ‘barista’ actually means more than just being the Italian word for someone who works in a coffee shop.
Keep on
love brett fish
i’ve started to try write some funny lists to increase the humour quotient on my blog so if you get a moment, please head on over and let me know what you think: https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2015/05/08/listical-lists-of-listmenting
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Thanks for the comment – always nice to get positive feedback! I’ll check out your blog now.
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[…] I’ve stated previously, I enjoy a coffee on my way into to work of a morning. I’ve also shared the fact that I enjoy breakfast. Sometimes […]
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[…] on where we go, she’ll have a particular flavour in mind. We went to Costa yesterday, ( I’ve mentioned going to Costa before on these pages, so just to be clear, I haven’t got shares in the place, it’s just […]
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Hi. I’ve popped over from Peg-O-Leg’s post about avatars – I came to see your upgrade! I like the sketchy expressions in the suns – works for me 🙂 I’ve accidentally become a Coffee snob too. I remember when I first encountered the places and didn’t realise a double shot came as standard, and I thought it was bleugh – now I can’t have anything less. I used to have a cappuccino…… now I blithely order “double shot Americano with hot milk on the side”. I stopped going to Starbucks because of its insipid coffee – way before their ethics came into question. Yup, you have to watch Costa – even I don’t want a soup bowl of coffee!!
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Thanks for stopping by, following me and making a pretty awesome comment to boot. You’re my kind of blogger and I’m following you right back!
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You’re very welcome 🙂 I see you’ve been doing some quick reading yourself! Isn’t serendipity a great thing!
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It is indeed and I’m already a fan of your work!
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I really enjoyed this post, being a self-confessed coffee snob myself 🙂 Your wit and writing style is very entertaining, thank you!
carcrashgratitude.wordpress.com
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Glad you liked it and always happy to make the acquaintance of a fellow coffee snob 🙂
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Melbourne is the coffee capital of the world (sorry, Rome), and full of coffee snobs (I am one of them), but anyone who charges more than $4AUD for a “regular sized” here is too expensive. I wouldn’t go back to them, because there is enough competition here to get a great coffee for $3.50AUD. My regular brew (for $3.50!) is a double-ristretto cappuccino, if you can believe it – I know it sounds pretentious but my regular barista recommended it & I love it!
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It’s important to find a barista you can trust…
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