Coping With Stress

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It’s best not to ponder
All of your fears
That way lies madness
It’ll all end in tears

Beating stress is quite simple
A doddle in fact
Just forget all your woes
And you’ll have it cracked

There’s no need to focus
On tasks uncompleted
If you attempt to achieve them
You’ll end up defeated

Far better instead
To try to unwind
Ignore all your worries
Forget daily grind

For if all your duties
Have got out of hand
It’s better to bury
Your head in the sand

And one certain way
To ensure you’ll feel fine
Is to take all your problems
And drown them in wine

Financial Fragilities

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Now December is over
And I’m feeling poor
My credit card’s maxed out
There are wolves at the door

Not literally of course
The wolves are metaphoric
But there are bills to pay
And they’re not allegoric

And though Christmas was fun
It came and it went
And during its course
I may have overspent

For we’re in January
And the well has run dry
And the gas bill is here
And it seems rather high

And while I could stand to lose
Some holiday weight
I was still rather hoping
For some food on my plate

But I can’t buy groceries
And settle the account
For the costs of my heating
(Well not that amount)

I, alas, must decline
All invitations to pay
Until the end of the the month
Which seems quite far away

Until then all I have
(And I’m not being funny)
Is a fortune in gold coins
Which are all chocolate money

Calories Are Not Just For Christmas

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It’s not that I’m sick of the festive fare
But there still seems to be lots of it everywhere
And it’s hard to stop eating high calorie treats
When the cupboards are full of chocolates and sweets

Willpower has never been a friend of mine
If temptation is there then I’ll rarely decline
And though I should clearly be trying to lose weight
I’d rather indulge in food that tastes great

But alas that means the future is bleak
For my waistline is as large as my resolve is weak
And this problem’s not going to end anytime soon
I’ve got enough chocolate to last until June

So the only solution that I can see
Is to forget the diet and set myself free
To eat all I want till all of it’s gone
And buy bigger trousers that I can get on

Truffle Tribulations

Oh expensive box of chocolates
I don’t know what to do
You’re so very pricey
I don’t think I should eat you

I’m not sure that I’m worthy
To enjoy your fancy flavours
I’m not sophisticated
I won’t take the time to savour

The subtle combinations
Is that ginger I can taste?
I’m afraid the hint of chilli
Is something of a waste

On a pleb like me
Who just wants something sweet
To enjoy with my coffee
So any chocolate is a treat

Though you may be rather special
I’m afraid that I care not
I could save you for when guests come round
But I’ll probably scoff the lot

Christmas Comedown

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I don’t know what I’m watching
On my television
I didn’t choose the channel
That wasn’t my decision

It was already chosen
When I switched on the screen
To change it seems an effort
And for that I’ll need caffeine

Cos I’m feeling rather tender
I’m really not sure why
Perhaps I’ve overdone it
On the mulled wine and mince pies

Or is my incapacity
To move today by dint
Of eating that whole box
Of after-dinner mints

All I know is I’ve been rendered
A little bit inept
If fact I’m feeling worse
Now that I have slept

And for yesterday’s excesses
I’ll pay the price today
But I really don’t regret it
It was a great buffet

So I’ll just spend this morning
In an undignified slouch
Watching random telly
From the comfort of my couch

 

The Magic Of Twixmas

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Though Christmas is over
Remain in good cheer
For there’s plenty of food
To see us through to New Year

There are chocolates aplenty
A variety of cake
There are mince pies and stollen
(That I didn’t bake)

So much leftover turkey
Of that there’s no doubt
(But alas linger on
Some uneaten sprouts)

There are crisps and cashew nuts
And some more bombay mix
And to wash it all down
A glass of Rioja (or six)

So eat, drink and be merry
Without getting fatter
For until January
Calories do not matter

Cookie Cravings

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Dear Internet, please stop showing me
All the stuff I could acquire
It’s not that I don’t want it
For you know that I aspire

To wear those funky trainers
And play with that new phone
But I’m sure I can’t afford
All these things I’d like to own

And while I do agree
That that discount is obscene
I’m certain I don’t need
A Karaoke Machine

And while I’m sorely tempted
To spend my hard-earned cash
To buy a robot vacuum
Does seem a little rash

I know it would be easy
It’s just one click to pay
But I should really save my money
For a rainy day

And no that doesn’t mean
I need a brand-new coat
Although that is rather fetching
The blue one gets my vote

But no, I must resist
I don’t need extra stuff
When it comes to useless junk
I already own more than enough

Oh Internet, I really hope
We can get past this blip
But you can keep your cookies
I prefer mine with chocolate chips

The Infallible Power Of Bovril

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I like a cup of coffee
I enjoy a mug of tea
But a thermos filled with Bovril
Is really not for me

It’s not that I’m picky
But I can’t help but think
That salty extract of beef
Probably shouldn’t be a drink

I’m really not that fussy
About what I choose to eat
But I can’t get on board
With the idea of drinking meat

I suppose I’m less opposed
To Bovril as a spread
But if I have the option
I’d choose Marmite instead

Still in these times of Brexit
And negotiations going wrong
The UK should come together
And join in stoic song

For we may lose our household staples
If we can’t strike a deal
But we’ll have Bovril forever
(No matter how that makes us feel)

 

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