James Complains About The Bag Of Shame

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Regular readers of this blog will know that I rarely write about work.

This is for a number of reasons, not least of which is that this blog is very much my escape from the daily grind so to dwell on the quotidian minutiae of my profession would seem to be in direct contradiction of that sentiment.

Also it might be a tad unprofessional, given that much of my job entails working with some fairly dysfunctional young people. It’s not that that doesn’t generate some amusing tales, quite the contrary, but to share those tales outside of the confidences of a few, well-chosen, colleagues might not be a brilliant long-term strategy for career enhancement.

Obviously I fully intend to give up my day job as soon my talents as a writer, comedian and all round entertainer are recognised by the popular media, but as yet such acknowledgment has yet to present itself in the form of a jaw-dropping book deal worth an obscene amount of money, or the chance to write, direct and indeed star in my own artistically-credible-yet-accessible-to-the masses sit-com.

This could be down to a lack of effort on my part to make such dreams a reality.

Or it could be a lack of talent.

It’s probably both. Continue reading James Complains About The Bag Of Shame

James Complains About Quite A Lot Of Things

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Although I tend to mock the whole idea of New Year’s Resolutions, January 2017 seems to have coincided with me ‘upping my game’ in blogging terms. I’ve been posting pretty regularly, a minimum of three times a week and on occasion four. Furthermore, although many of my blog posts have been in the form of bad poetry or bad art, Mondays have tended to be for a more considered, longer piece of writing.

That, people of the blogosphere, takes planning and effort.

Seriously.

It might not seem like it but those meandering Monday posts, with questionable grammar and no particular point, do actually take me a bit of time to produce. I generally take the whole weekend to ‘craft’ them. Continue reading James Complains About Quite A Lot Of Things

James Complains About Free Stuff

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Not actually free or indeed ‘the best things’…

It’s a popular maxim that ‘the best things in life are free’.

I’m less than convinced that’s the case.

I’m not sure that there’s much at all in life that’s actually free, let alone the best things.

In fact, so convinced am I that the best things in life aren’t free, that I actually did a bit of research prior to writing this particular diatribe.

Not too much research obviously, I wouldn’t want my usual ill-informed and meaningless stream of consciousness to be overly influenced by ‘facts’. Continue reading James Complains About Free Stuff

James Complains About January

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I’m writing this  in what can only be described as a foul mood.

Christmas now seems but a distant memory and, although I’m sure I enjoyed it at the time, the net result of the recent festive period is that I’m now poor and fat.

The return to the daily grind has left me so ridiculously tired that it’s frankly astonishing to me that I actually do work for more of the year than I don’t. How have I been coping all this time? I deserve some kind of an award for bravery.

I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say that getting out of bed every morning last week was nothing short of traumatic. And yet somehow I managed to force myself up and out into the morning traffic.

I’m nothing short of heroic. Continue reading James Complains About January

James Complains About Healthy Eating

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Much as it pains me to admit it, I’m already too old to ‘live fast and die young’. It’s no longer a goal I can achieve. So instead I’ve decided to ‘live at a moderate pace and die quite old’.

In order to ensure that happens I’m going to start making sensible choices about my lifestyle.

I already do a reasonable amount of exercise. I’m no fitness fanatic. I certainly don’t live by the motto ‘no pain no gain’. In my humble opinion there is much to be gained from experiencing no pain. Continue reading James Complains About Healthy Eating

James Complains About The Perils Of Online Trouser Ordering

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Recently I ordered a pair of trousers from a well-known online retailer. I order lots of stuff online but very rarely trousers.

Normally I like to buy trousers in an actual shop because, in my experience, the various makers of trousers don’t seem to consult with each other when it comes to sizes and frankly, unless I try them on before I leave the shop, it’s something of a lottery as to whether they will fit or not. Continue reading James Complains About The Perils Of Online Trouser Ordering

James Complains About Holidays

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A few days ago Mrs Proclaims and I returned from our summer holiday. On the whole it was a thoroughly pleasant city break that was, at times, charming, fun and intellectually stimulating.

Generally I enjoy most holidays and few things give me and my beloved more pleasure than poring over our old holiday photos and reminiscing. Our latest voyage has certainly contributed to the back catalogue of shared and cherished memories.

It has, alas, also served as reminder that holidays are fantastic things to look forward to, and great things to look back on, but the actual ‘live experience’ can be more than a little challenging, regardless of destination. Indeed some aspects of a holiday can be something of an ordeal. I often find that being a tourist makes me tolerate things that would, under any other circumstances, leave me more than a little perplexed. Continue reading James Complains About Holidays

James Complains About Brexit

The terrible irony is that the vast majority of the people who voted to leave are the ones who will be most adversely affected. The most extreme example of turkeys voting for Christmas I can recall.”

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This morning I was awoken gently by  Mrs Proclaims who broke the news to me of Britain’s collective decision to leave the EU.

It took a few moments to sink in.

We voted for Brexit!

In my wildest dreams I did not see that result coming. Continue reading James Complains About Brexit

James Complains About The Referendum

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Today there is a referendum on whether or not Britain remains part of the European Union. Today we as a nation decide whether to Brexit or not to Brexit. I wrote about it back in February. Back then it seemed like the distant future, but lo and behold, we’re here in the future. Continue reading James Complains About The Referendum

James Complains About People Who Complain About Stuff

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I’ve done it this time –  a title loaded with irony. A contradiction in terms.

If that isn’t ‘click-bait’ to the internet browsing masses then I don’t know what is.

Ok I probably don’t know what is.

Or rather I do know, and indeed my title is not it. But I’d wager it’s a little enticing.

Can I really complain about people who complain without at least acknowledging that I belong in that group.

Well yes, I can as a matter of fact. Because I mean complain in the sense of ‘actually registering a complaint’ as opposed to just having a general whinge about stuff that annoys me.

There are people out there who like to complain to organisations about the service they have received, when objectively there is no basis for that complaint.

And that annoys me.

And so I’m going to complain about them. Continue reading James Complains About People Who Complain About Stuff