An Homage To The Now Departed Daily Briefing

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Hello and welcome to today’s update
We haven’t got anything new to say
Nothing’s really changed since yesterday
But it’s important, nonetheless
That we update you anyway
Otherwise you’ll realise
That we haven’t got any idea what we’re doing

We’d rather give the impression
That we do know what we’re doing
Even though we don’t
Because no-one wants to admit
That they don’t know what they’re doing
It’s not a great look
It’s much better
To create the illusion of competency
Aided where possible
By meaningless diagrams
And complex terminology
That no-one understands
Because we just made it up

And lets not dwell too heavily
On things we said in the past
Because a lot has changed since then
And it wouldn’t serve anyone
To focus too heavily
On our broken promises
Over-optimistic forecasts
And, if we’re honest
(Which we never are)
What can only be described as outright lies

Let us instead
Look to the future
And what we can achieve moving forwards
Because if we use different lies
To the other lies we told
Then some people will still believe us
And that’s the main thing really
And everything will probably be fine in the end anyway
If we just ignore the facts
And concentrate heavily on soundbites
And a bit of misdirection
And just blame everyone else

So today I’d like to announce
The latest thing we’re going to do
It’s brilliant
And better than what anyone else is doing
If you don’t believe us then just you wait
Yes you can quote me on that
But only today
Not in two weeks
When it turns out
That this was just more hyperbole
And in the meantime
Stop being so negative will you?
Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?

James Explains ‘Common Sense’

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As lockdown restrictions ease in England, despite an apparent lack of clear guidance on…well anything much, the British government has made it clear, on multiple occasions that people should use their ‘Common Sense’.

But what it this thing they call ‘Common Sense’?

And do we all have it?

Or is it a bit like ‘The Force’ off of Star Wars?

Or is it nothing like ‘The Force’ off of Star Wars, but having spent the entirety of May watching and writing about Star Wars, I’ve started to confuse Star Wars with reality?

It’s more than possible.

But I don’t think ‘Common Sense’ is like ‘The Force’.

So we might all have it.

But, in case you’re not sure, why not try this multiple choice quiz to see if you have ‘Common Sense’?

Question 1:

You’re the Prime Minister of a country, a bit like the UK, and you hear there is a pandemic on the way. One of the key pieces of advice is that you avoid unnecessary contact with people and you wash your hands thoroughly. Do you:

a) Adhere to the guidelines and encourage others to do so?

b) Just shake hands with anyone you meet, including people who currently have COVID 19 and then brag about it to the media, before becoming the only world leader to contract the virus, which ultimately incapacitates you at a time when your country needs leadership more than ever?

 

Question 2:

You’re the Health Secretary of a country, a bit like the UK, and there isn’t enough equipment to support the frontline workers in the health service, or enough testing kits to adhere to advice about testing, as given out by the World Health Organisation. Do you:

a) Admit there is a problem and work with skilled and competent people to try and solve the problem.

b) Just lie about it and hope no-one really notices.

 

Question 3:

You’re the special adviser to the Prime Minister of a country, a bit like the UK and you’ve helped come up with the very regulations, which are guiding the country through this crisis. Do you:

a) Follow your own guidelines religiously, knowing that, during such difficult times, some people will probably only be able to follow the rules if they perceive that they really do apply to everyone.

b) Break the rules, then pretend that what you did was actually within the rules all along and if people didn’t realise that, it was their own stupid fault. Idiots!

 

Question 4:

You’ve been quite ill, and you think it might have affected your eyesight. You were about to embark on a fairly long journey, but you’re not sure if it’s really safe to drive. Do you:

a) Not drive, knowing that the only safe course of action here is to wait until you are sure that your eyesight is fine.

b) Go on a shorter, but still quite long, drive to a popular tourist attraction, with your wife and small child in the car, knowing that if you don’t have a road traffic accident on this shorter (but not actually short) drive, then you’re probably safe to attempt the much longer drive that you were worried about.

 

Question 5:

You’re the Prime Minister of a country, a bit like the UK and your special advisor has been caught breaking the rules. It’s a sensitive time, public morale is already quite low and people are understandably angry about the situation. Do you:

a) Insist on the special advisor resigning. Ultimately, even if there is some justification for his actions (and there obviously isn’t) it would be better to appease the general public and ensure that some kind of adherence to government guidance (such as it is) continues until this crisis has abated.

b) Just pretend that what he did was fine, allow him to keep his job and stick two fingers up to the public.

 

Results

If you answered mostly ‘a’ then I’m afraid you don’t have one iota of ‘Common Sense’ and you can’t be trusted to make your own decisions. So you will need to continue to follow all government advice quite rigorously. Although most of that advice appears to be to use your ‘Common Sense’. Which is going to be quite difficult for you. Probably best to just get drunk in the park with some friends until further notice.

If you answered mostly ‘b’ then you do have ‘Common Sense’ so, according to the latest government advice, you can do whatever you want. I’d recommend getting drunk in the park with some friends. What harm can come from that?

 

If you have any questions regarding any of the above then feel free to ask for clarification from someone.

Obviously not me though.