An Homage To The Now Departed Daily Briefing


Hello and welcome to today’s update
We haven’t got anything new to say
Nothing’s really changed since yesterday
But it’s important, nonetheless
That we update you anyway
Otherwise you’ll realise
That we haven’t got any idea what we’re doing

We’d rather give the impression
That we do know what we’re doing
Even though we don’t
Because no-one wants to admit
That they don’t know what they’re doing
It’s not a great look
It’s much better
To create the illusion of competency
Aided where possible
By meaningless diagrams
And complex terminology
That no-one understands
Because we just made it up

And lets not dwell too heavily
On things we said in the past
Because a lot has changed since then
And it wouldn’t serve anyone
To focus too heavily
On our broken promises
Over-optimistic forecasts
And, if we’re honest
(Which we never are)
What can only be described as outright lies

Let us instead
Look to the future
And what we can achieve moving forwards
Because if we use different lies
To the other lies we told
Then some people will still believe us
And that’s the main thing really
And everything will probably be fine in the end anyway
If we just ignore the facts
And concentrate heavily on soundbites
And a bit of misdirection
And just blame everyone else

So today I’d like to announce
The latest thing we’re going to do
It’s brilliant
And better than what anyone else is doing
If you don’t believe us then just you wait
Yes you can quote me on that
But only today
Not in two weeks
When it turns out
That this was just more hyperbole
And in the meantime
Stop being so negative will you?
Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?

  15 comments for “An Homage To The Now Departed Daily Briefing

  1. June 24, 2020 at 10:21 am

    spot on!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. June 24, 2020 at 11:16 am

    I feel so much more informed now.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. June 24, 2020 at 2:22 pm

    Nothing I like better than a nice homage, with a little dill and lemon wedge.

    Liked by 2 people

    • June 24, 2020 at 2:45 pm

      I can only assume that ‘Little Dill’ and ‘Lemon Wedge’ are what the cool kids are calling Matt Hancock and Dominic Raab…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. June 24, 2020 at 3:40 pm

    You are a true Renaissance man, James, as you transcend all borders and could be referring to here, there, or everywhere.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 24, 2020 at 5:36 pm

      I must admit it seemed to apply just as well to a local government briefing I was ‘asked’ to attend yesterday.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. June 24, 2020 at 11:44 pm

    You are so right with this. So right.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 25, 2020 at 8:16 am

      I really don’t want to be though…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. June 25, 2020 at 12:18 am

    What’s the worst that can happen, indeed! If we just stop testing, stop thinking, if we all just bury our heads in the sand (or wherever), then it will all be fluffy unicorns and rainbows (or maybe not rainbows, that may bring up other issues) and ice cream. Yeah, unicorns and ice cream… 🦄🍦

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 25, 2020 at 8:19 am

      Absolutely, ice cream makes everything better (actually I do find it makes most things better but even for ice cream a pandemic may be a bit of a stretch…)


  7. June 25, 2020 at 12:59 am

    “What’s the worst that could happen?” I once asked my wife. She told me. I have never asked her the question again.

    Liked by 1 person

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