James Proclaims (4)

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‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring…

Except for an overweight bloke, dressed in red and filling a stocking full of presents.

No, not Father Christmas, but me. I’m not dressed entirely in red, but I am wearing a red top. It’s a replica of the rugby shirt as worn by the British and Irish Lions test team that narrowly lost the 2009 tour to South Africa. I’m wearing it because it’s comfortable.

It’s Christmas Eve as I write this, or in fact the early hours of Christmas morning now. I’ve just finished wrapping Mrs Proclaims’ Christmas presents but lest you judge me, I actually bought them ages ago and they’re all really thoughtful and she’ll definitely like them. I’m not some cliché of a married man who panic buys rubbish presents for his wife. I’m quite good at present buying. Present wrapping on the other hand is something I both fear and loath in equal measure.

Anyway they’re all badly wrapped in Disney themed wrapping paper. By the time anyone reads this they will probably be unwrapped.

I’m writing this before I go to bed because I fully intend to spend Christmas day enjoying myself and thus I don’t expect to have time to blog. Nonetheless I thought it only fair that I write a Christmas message to the world because if it’s good enough for Her Majesty then it’s good enough for me.

In fact, not that I wish to usurp our beloved monarch, but I’m scheduling this to be published at 3 pm tomorrow, which is exactly the same time as the Queen’s speech is broadcast. It just seems appropriate somehow.

I suppose, therefore, that some kind of Christmas message is in order. The Queen definitely has an advantage here, not least because she only addresses the nation once a year, whereas I blog quite often. So she’s got a whole year to draw upon, but I don’t, particularly if I want to blog some kind of review of 2015 on New Year’s Eve. Which I do. I expect that particular post will be awesome but it does leave me with a lack of material for my Christmas message.

I suppose a message of goodwill could work. Peace on Earth and all that. It doesn’t seem particularly likely that me wishing for peace on Earth will make it happen – I just don’t have that kind of global influence.

Yet.

But if you’re reading this on Christmas Day then I genuinely hope you’re having a lovely day. Admittedly if you’re reading this on Christmas day then it does rather suggest a lack of better things to do. But maybe you’re just trying to avoid the Queen’s speech. I know I am. Mrs Proclaims, despite showing no particular affinity for the British royal family for most of the year, actually likes to watch the Queen, so I expect I will be watching too. But I won’t be listening particularly attentively. I’ll be thinking about other things.

It’s hard to entirely predict what I’ll be doing for the rest of the day. I have been tasked with making Christmas dinner. It’s just for Mrs Proclaims and I so no real pressure. I do most of the cooking anyway and Mrs Proclaims is a more than grateful recipient. She does present a mild challenge in so far as she’s a pretend vegetarian, but an actual pescatarian. No turkey then, but roast potatoes and sprouts will be there in abundance. In lieu of a bird we’ll be eating a fish. Salmon to be precise. I’m cooking a whole side of salmon, which is frankly way too much food, but will ensure there are plenty of leftovers to dine on tomorrow. I like eating leftovers on Boxing Day so I’m cooking too much on purpose.

I’m not yet sure what the rest of the day will entail. I presume that by the evening I will be mildly bloated and content to watch some of the Christmas specials that are the mainstay of the TV schedules at the moment. Dr Who is always a winner and Mrs Proclaims enjoys a bit of Strictly Come Dancing. If the weather holds up I’d imagine we might venture out for a walk, or if it’s raining perhaps a jigsaw or a board game. It truly is a rock’n’roll lifestyle we lead.

But not to worry, excessive consumption of generic sparking wine, or faux champagne as I like to call it, means I’ll do most of the above at least a little bit inebriated.

Anyway I must now take myself off to bed. And so I’ll end this post by referencing the same poem I did at the beginning.

Happy Christmas to all and to all a good…erm… whatever part of the day it is for you in your particular time zone.

2 thoughts on “A Christmas Message From James Proclaims

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