There are no flies on me.
There were yesterday though.
It’s unseasonably hot in the UK at the moment.
I mean it’s summer so I suppose it is actually ‘seasonably’ hot but no-one really expects nice weather in Britain at any time of year and British summers are notorious for being miserable and wet.
So the fact that the sun is shining, and has been for some weeks now, must surely be regarded as ‘unseasonable’.
Or at the very least ‘unseasonably seasonable’.
Regardless of semantics, it is currently very hot in my neck of the woods. We lack any kind of air conditioning in Casa Proclaims, because a few hot days a year would hardly justify it. Instead we have taken to opening windows.
It does help to circulate the air and keep Mrs Proclaims and I a little cooler than we might otherwise be, but it does also provide access to our cherished abode for some undesirable visitors.
And so it was yesterday afternoon that I was forced to press pause on the fourth instalment of ‘The Fast and The Furious’ franchise (cleverly entitled ‘Fast and Furious’ – clearly no need for definite articles by the time you get to the third sequel) in order to escape a particularly vicious bombardment from the insect Luftwaffe.
Why I was watching the fourth instalment of ‘The Fast and The Furious’ franchise perhaps requires some explanation. I had previously dismissed the films as ‘really not my kind of thing’ but they’ve made seven of them (and are in the process of making an eighth) so I reasoned there might be something to enjoy therein. It has required me to switch off (at least part of) my brain, but I suspect a guilty pleasure of sorts may have been discovered.
Nonetheless this is not a review of a series of disposable action films that seem to be travelling further and further away from their original (already preposterous) premise towards increasingly outlandish scenarios, all of which can apparently be resolved by the ability to drive a fast car a bit faster than other people.
They are what they are.
They aren’t for everybody.
I suspect, however, that even the most die hard fan of the work of Vin Diesel might enjoy it all a little less while being attacked by flies. Even the most die hard fan of the ‘Die Hard’ franchise would struggle.
If I were to review ‘The Fast and the Furious’ franchise, I’d put it on a par with the later ‘Die Hard’ films. The fourth and the fifth ones.
They certainly aren’t as good as the second and the third ‘Die Hard’ films and definitely nowhere near as good as the original ‘Die Hard’ film, which is arguably the best action film of all time and indeed the best Christmas film to boot.
But even had I been watching the original ‘Die Hard’ yesterday afternoon, I would have needed to press the pause button to deal with the fly situation.
Flies are annoying and distracting.
And they’re stupid. They can’t seem to manage to exit a building via the window they entered and instead fly pointlessly and repeatedly into the glass panes of other, closed, windows
I will acknowledge that, as a species, they fundamentally lack the ability to understand concepts such as windows and lack the sensory perception to ‘see’ the glass. But that is a poor excuse for their behaviour if you ask me.
I was annoyed. I paused the film and tried to guide them out of the open windows.
They say you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Well you can frantically gesture and wave a fly towards an open window…
The humane approach was clearly not going to work and the flies were increasing in number.
One of them had the audacity to actually land on me.
Surely a declaration of war.
And I don’t wish to brag, but I have form when it comes to killing flies. Back in 2009, while on holiday in France, I dispatched more than a few with the aid of a plastic fly swatter.
Yesterday, alas, I was not equipped with a swatter, and I think the flies knew this. Also these flies were British rather than French. It would be jingoistic to suggest that made any difference at all, but they certainly seemed to be of hardier stock.
With my bare hands I was not getting anywhere. Perhaps if I had bear hands I would have been more effective. They’d have been covered in honey if my understanding of bears (based entirely on Disney cartoons) is anything to go by. And that at least would have served as some kind of ‘bait’.
But I don’t have bear hands, and my bare hands were of no use.
So I resorted to a well-known online retailer and purchased ‘The Rentokil Advanced Fly Trap Window Sticker’.
I don’t know if there is a ‘Rentokil Basic Fly Trap Window Sticker’. I went for the ‘advanced’ option because as far as I could tell it was the only one.
I don’t know if my fly-killing needs are especially advanced.
Anyway, it arrived today (or I should say they arrived today, for there are four in a pack). It comes with quite detailed instructions, which I found particularly helpful, because ‘window stickers’ can be tricky to operate.
But, dear reader, I sense your concern. Yes I will be able to deal with the nuisance of flies from now on, but what if I’m beset by wasps, or moths or indeed beetles? Well worry not, for ‘The Rentokil Advanced Fly Trap Window Sticker’ will be more than able to deal with their combined threat just as easily. It says so on the packet.
Equipped though it is to deal with beetles, I’m less convinced it can cope with Beatles, so should Paul McCartney drop by and perform a medley of hits, culminating, as ever, in a rendition of ‘Hey Jude’, I’m going to have to sing along with the “Nahhhh nah nah nana na nahhhhh” like everyone else and hope he doesn’t insist on too many repetitions.
The good news is, in the unlikely event that that does happen, there won’t be any flies on either of us.