James Proclaims (4)

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As Noddy Holder off of Slade shouts whenever anyone cares to listen:

IT’S CHRISTMAS!

Noddy likes Christmas and if I’d written and performed one of the most successful Christmas songs of all time I’d like Christmas too.

In point of fact I have not written and performed one of the most successful Christmas songs of all time and I don’t expect I ever will. I’m going to have to find another way to ensure the festive season brings with it a massive annual royalty cheque.

But I still like Christmas and today is Christmas.

Well as I’m writing this it’s Christmas Eve. Like last year’s Christmas message, I’m writing it in advance so as to allow more time for the excessive consumption of unhealthy food on the big day and like last year I’ve schedule this post to go ‘live’ at the same time the Queen makes her annual speech to the nation.

Last year Her Madge didn’t seem too perturbed by the fact I was going head-to-head with her, but then, like me, she ‘pre-recorded’ her message in advance. I have not seen or spoken to our Head of State in person since last Christmas (or indeed ever) so I’ve no idea if she’s upset by my efforts to usurp her annual message but I can only imagine that she’s seething with rage.

Anyway it’s Christmas and by the time you’re reading this I will have opened loads of presents. I know this because there are already quite a few under the tree. The ones from Mrs Proclaims aren’t there yet because we like to pretend that Santa delivered the presents that we buy each other so they ‘magically’ appear on Christmas morning.

That’s because the real Santa doesn’t visit us anymore. Maybe because we’re too old or maybe because we’re on the naughty list.

I hope it’s because we’re too old, because, while I’m no angel, if I’m on the naughty list then Santa is a pretty harsh judge.

Some people think it’s because Santa isn’t actually real.

Idiots.

By the time you’re reading this I expect I’ll be feeling a little unwell. I usually am by 3pm on Christmas day. If previous years are anything to go by, I’ll have consumed quite a lot of food and drunk a lot of sparkling wine. This year I’ve even splashed out on actual champagne (as opposed to the usual ‘generic sparkling wine’) so I won’t be letting that go to waste and as Mrs Proclaims is generally paralytic after one glass it’ll fall to me to drink the remainder of the bottle.

Not sure what we’ll do with the rest of the day – shameful excess may render me incapable of much. We’ll probably watch Christmas telly, play board games and go for a walk. That’s what we usually do. This year may be different though. I honestly couldn’t say at this stage.

If we see anyone while we’re out and about we might wish them Merry Christmas.
They will be the only people who get any kind of festive message from me other than this blog post though because for the second consecutive Christmas I’m without my phone. Last year it was being repaired. This year I just managed to leave it somewhere and even though it has been posted back to me by my sister I managed not to be in when they attempted to deliver it so it’s now sitting in my local post office which is, alas, closed until Tuesday.

So if you know me and you’re reading this – Merry Christmas.

If you don’t know me and you’re reading this – Merry Christmas and thanks for reading the meandering musings of some bloke you don’t know.

If you bought me a present then thanks, I love it. That might seem insincere given that I’m writing this in advance of opening the present you bought me but I almost always like presents that people buy me so it’s a safe bet I’ll like the one you got me.

If you didn’t buy me a present then no worries, just pop something in the post next week. I don’t mind getting belated presents.

Now stop reading this and get back to doing whatever it is you do to make the 25th December enjoyable.

And eat something with lots of calories and no nutritional value.

Merry Christmas everybody!

9 thoughts on “The Second Annual Christmas Message from James Proclaims

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