A Taxonomy of Chocolate Bars


If you’ve clicked on this expecting a well-thought out classification of all the different chocolate bars available in the UK then you’ll be sadly disappointed.

Also, what is wrong with you?

Seriously, who needs to know about chocolate bars to that extent?

I mean I am reasonably well-versed in chocolate. I’m certainly no expert, but I know my Double Deckers from my Lion Bars and my Twirls from my Twix.

But this post isn’t really about chocolate bars.

Although if you’re in the mood for one you could do worse than any of the above.

But really this post is, as with all my posts, about not very much at all.

Normally I have no difficulty coming up with creative ways of writing about nothing, but recently I’ve been struggling.

Today I had a particularly bad bout of writer’s block

Indeed I have been sitting on my sofa for the best part of an hour starting, and subsequently deleting, various attempts at a blog post.

And even by the particularly low standards I set for myself, I was coming up with nothing that I considered acceptable for these prestigious pages.

And then Mrs Proclaims appeared.

I mean she came down the stairs, she didn’t magically appear in front of me like a genie.

Or someone off of Star Trek.

Upon her entering the room, I implored her to give me an idea to write about.

She looked at me suspiciously, as if having walked into a trap.

And rightly so, for I am not known to solicit suggestions when it comes to content for this blog and I can be more than a little ungracious when unsolicited suggestions are made. (This a particularly blog-specific failing on my part and should in no way be used to judge me in other areas of my life and is certainly no reflection on the state of my marriage…)

“I mean it,” I said in an attempt at reassurance, “I really can’t think of anything.”

Still with a slight sense of mistrust she pondered the situation for a moment.

“Why don’t you write a Taxonomy of Chocolate Bars?” she suggested.

I congratulated her on her brilliance and she returned to the upper rooms of our abode feeling pleased with herself.

Obviously I haven’t written a taxonomy of chocolate bars.

It’s too varied and controversial a topic for me to be able to do it justice.

But I did think it would make a good title.

And I have just eaten a chocolate bar.

It was a Lion Bar if you must know.

I’d have preferred a Double Decker, but we didn’t have any of those in the cupboard and the nearest shop is all the way across the road.

We did have Wagon Wheels in the cupboard.

I’m not sure if they count as chocolate bars, because of their shape.

If only someone had written a thorough and complete taxonomy of chocolate bars so I could find out.

  14 comments for “A Taxonomy of Chocolate Bars

  1. October 23, 2017 at 3:49 pm

    A Taxonomy of Chocolate Bars? Come on!
    I think Mrs Proclaims has been feasting on a Thesaurus (and try saying that when you have a lisp and a mouth full of chocolate!)
    Now, if it have been a Taxonomy of smells, that’s not to be sniffed at!

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 31, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      Mrs Proclaims has no need of thesauri (I presume thesauri is the plural of thesaurus though I am less erudite than my dear wife).
      But I’m afraid there’s an unpleasant odour surrounding the taxonomy of smells. I’m not saying it stinks but I think it’s past it’s best…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. October 23, 2017 at 6:05 pm

    I mean…. Wagon Wheels are clearly NOT a chocolate bar. Come on James. Come on.

    I just had some Dairy Milk Whole Nut and it was fine, but it was better when the factory was in Ireland. I swear the chocolate’s changed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 31, 2017 at 7:41 pm

      But if they aren’t a chocolate bar then what are they? I mean you’re not going to attach them to a wagon and expect to be able to travel anywhere are you?


  3. October 23, 2017 at 8:57 pm

    I did clicked the post thinking it would be all about chocolate bars! Nevertheless, the whole thing did not fail to entertain me, just kind of made me crave for chocolates now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 31, 2017 at 7:42 pm

      Apologies for the cravings although to be fair I find the craving of chocolate (and other bad foods) to be a fairly permanent state.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. October 23, 2017 at 9:01 pm

    To muddy the waters further, is Turkish Delight (made by Fry’s and coated in an outer layer of delicious chocolate) considered a choclolate bar?

    These are questions that demand answers or at the very least some serious chewing over.

    Liked by 1 person

    • October 31, 2017 at 7:43 pm

      I’d always considered it a chocolate bar, but now I’m questioning that position. I’d better eat a few to check…


  5. November 2, 2017 at 7:00 pm

    I’d be say the huge reduction in a Wahon Wheel’s size brings it closer to being a bar. I swear they were much larger when I was younger (or is it just perspective?) And with jam in them – I never see ham centred wheels now.
    Personally, I’m rather partial to a raisin Yorkie 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • November 2, 2017 at 7:02 pm

      Oh my goodness!! JAM!! (Not that I’ve ever seen a HAM centred Wagon Wheel either…)

      Liked by 1 person

      • November 4, 2017 at 9:31 pm

        Never seen a ham centred wagon wheel either (but I did once try ‘After-Eight’ flavoured Pringles which were as disgusting as a Ham Wagon Wheel sounds). I do have a packet of Jam Wagon Wheels in the cupboard right now though and very nice they are too.

        Liked by 1 person

      • November 5, 2017 at 9:20 pm

        I obviously live in the wrong part of the country for jam wheels. I rather like crisps dipped in chocolate (and chips for that matter), so I may like those Pringles. Not sure on the minty-ness though.

        Liked by 1 person

      • November 8, 2017 at 5:17 am

        It was the minty-Ness that rendered them disgusting…

        Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: