Not NaNoWriMo – Part 12

James Proclaims (4)

As November draws to a close, so too must my series of not-novels that I won’t be writing for this year’s NaNoWriMo.

If you’re actually participating in NaNoWriMo, and you haven’t yet given up, then worry not – you still have another two days to hit the coveted fifty-thousand-word count. Also, I salute you, I don’t think, in previous years when I have tried to do NaNoWriMo, that I ever made it past day 15, and even that year I’d really started to fade quite badly by around day 8.

But for my little series lampooning the modern novel, this is the twelfth and (for the time being) final contribution.

To be honest I’m amazed I’ve managed to churn out this many.

When I came up with the concept at the start of the month I only anticipated producing five. But it seems that, while I’ve oft struggled to find the requisite inspiration to produce my own novel, I seem to have no difficulty in finding the inspiration to mock the novels of others.

I’m not sure what that says about me as a person.

Probably nothing good.

But I’ve quite enjoyed it.

Particularly the fact that some people have told me that they would actually buy and read some of these nonsensical novels.

To be fair, they’d probably all sell a lot better than the kind of introspective, self-indulgent lament on modernity that would inevitably be the focus of any novel I might actually be bothered to produce.

And high sales figures is the motivation behind today’s, final, entry into the collection:

Dan Brown

What’s that?

You were hoping for an action-packed thriller starring everyone’s favourite ‘Symbologist’ Robert Langdon? You wanted a slightly incoherent plot underpinned by historical inaccuracy, written with questionable grammar and sentences like “the tall man picked up the big red book”?

You wanted conspiracy theories, implausible dialogue and easy-to-spot plot twists?

Sorry, you won’t find any of that here.

This is a slow-moving piece of high-brow literary fiction about the ruminations of a retired postal worker as he comes to grip with the passing of time and the ever-changing state of the world around him. ‘Dan Brown’ is the eponymous hero of the story, not the author. The author is me. James Proclaims. Surely that’s abundantly clear if you look at the cover of the book?

DAN Brown

No, you can’t have your money back.

  12 comments for “Not NaNoWriMo – Part 12

  1. November 28, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    What do you mean, I can’t have my money back? I haven’t sent you any!
    Can I send some straight away? I don’t want to miss out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • December 3, 2017 at 4:47 pm

      I accept cash and most major credit and debit cards. Unfortunately I no longer accept cheques or postal orders. Foreign currency may be considered at my discretion. I also accept chocolate coins at this time of year.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. November 28, 2017 at 3:56 pm

    You should do reviews on Amazon. Maybe not. The authors might come after you with pencils.

    Liked by 1 person

    • December 3, 2017 at 4:48 pm

      I wouldn’t want that…


  3. November 28, 2017 at 8:26 pm

    A fitting end to a spoof series that has done for literature what the Pink Panther films did for crime sleuthing.
    Like an office drone who wears ties ironically, these off-kilter but on-the-money parodies have expertly pointed out the shameless cliches and downright ridiculous conventions used within the twelve pillars of genre writing and, by extension, the whole world of publishing and what’s popular right now.

    Great mind candy the entire series Masterchief Proclaims, which I’ll deem hotter than an engine block stuck in freeway traffic in December (if you’re in Australia!).

    Well done and done well.
    You are a national lampooner of the highest order.

    Liked by 2 people

    • December 3, 2017 at 4:50 pm

      Thanks, I’m adopting ‘Masterchief’ for my CV. I’ve enjoyed lampooning literature for a month. I’m sure I’ll have occasion to lampoon something else in the near future…


  4. November 29, 2017 at 8:50 am

    Really enjoyed your little series James. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

    • December 3, 2017 at 4:51 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it 🙂


  5. August 25, 2020 at 9:47 pm

    Oh, Don Brawn, last on the list. How fitting. See the name- above the title, or in your case, the title- and die a little intellectually. Enjoyed this, and I too appreciate the work put into the covers. A bit of old gold.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 25, 2020 at 11:26 pm

      Still some of my favourite posts in that little collection. Glad you enjoyed them

      Liked by 1 person

      • August 26, 2020 at 12:29 am

        I thought I’d done a Dan Brown diss sometime way back. I might drag it out from wherever it’s mouldering.

        Liked by 1 person

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