Thank You For Calling

Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
All of our operatives are currently busy
However your call is important to us and will be answered shortly
Here is some prog rock
To keep you entertained while you wait

If you’d rather not wait, you could just check
The frequently asked questions bit on our website
Although chances are, the question you want to ask
Isn’t listed in the frequently asked questions

Actually, I expect you already checked the website
Most people probably do that before calling
Because who wants to wait 17 minutes for one of our operatives to be free
When you can just check online in a few seconds?
So actually, we’re being more than a little patronising
By suggesting that you check the website
But then some people who call us are a bit stupid
We’re not saying you’re stupid
But we do need to pitch this message
To the lowest common denominator
Here is some pan pipe music
To keep you entertained while you wait

Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
All of our operatives are still busy
They’re surprisingly busy people
It’s almost as if we don’t provide a particularly good service to our customers
When you consider the volume of calls we get each day
It’s highly unlikely that those calls are from people who want to congratulate us
On our excellent standards
It’s far more likely that these are calls from people who want to voice concerns
So you’d imagine that the least we would do is employ enough operatives
To answer the calls promptly and efficiently
Nonetheless your call is important to us
No really it is
And it will be answered shortly
Probably in no more than 22 minutes
Here are some power ballads
To keep you entertained while you wait

Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
If your call is because you want to purchase a new product
And give us more of your money
Then please press 1 and we’ll probably answer quite quickly
If your call is to do with an existing product
Then press 2 and it’ll take us a bit longer to answer
But we’ll still try and squeeze some more money out of you
It’s called up-selling and if you’re particularly vulnerable
We’ll up-sell you products you could never possibly need
And definitely can’t afford
However, if you’re too smart to fall for our attempts to get more cash out of you
Then press 3 and we’ll make you wait even longer
Because we’re really not that interested in speaking to you
And if none of those options appeal,
Then continue to hold and eventually someone might speak to you
But it’s highly unlikely they’ll be able to help
They might transfer you to another department though
And they won’t be able to help either
Eventually, after we’ve transferred you enough times
We’re hoping you’ll give up and go away
But your call is important to us
And we’ll probably answer it in around 35 minutes
Here is some smooth jazz
To keep you entertained while you wait

Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
We can’t believe you’re still here
Clearly we’re never going to answer your call
All of our operatives are busy
Stop wasting their time
They’ve got better things to do than speak to you
What’s your problem anyway?
Your call is of no importance to us
Our operatives aren’t even really busy
In fact there aren’t any operatives
We made them up
No-one has ever called our bluff and stuck it out this long before
Still if you’re really determined to speak to someone
A robot might possibly answer your call in 48 minutes or so
Here are some dubious cover versions of popular songs
To keep you entertained while you wait