James Explains The Easing Of Lockdown


There were one or two suggestions after my post on Tuesday that I was somehow advocating irresponsible drinking with large numbers of other people in the park. So, I should probably clarify that that is not in line with current government advice.

Current government advice is that you can get drunk anywhere you like, as long as you are outside. So don’t feel restricted to the parks. The seaside is just as appropriate.

But it’s important to remember, that if you are going to mingle with others from outside your household, you should restrict the number of people to six. But obviously if someone else from your household comes along, they don’t count, so you could have seven people really. And that person can bring five other people too, so there could be twelve of you. Throw in a third or fourth person from your household and their allocation of friends and you can have quite the party.

And you can have that party in your garden, but not in your house. Obviously with all that government mandated drinking, some people will need the toilet, and that is not allowed. But you are allowed to use common sense. And common sense would dictate that if someone does need the toilet, they should probably be allowed to go. If you have enough toilet roll obviously. And if you’re going to let people into the house to use the toilet, then common sense would suggest that they might as well be permitted to use other rooms in the house. So, rather than restricting your gathering of (however many people live in your house multiplied by six) to just the garden, you may as well make full use of the facilities.

But remember to stay two metres apart. Unless you don’t want to. They’re probably going to scrap that advice soon anyway so it doesn’t really matter.

And there’s absolutely no need to wear a face mask unless you are a masked vigilante. But you should wear one if you are a masked vigilante because otherwise it would be false advertising and we don’t need that level of confusion in our lives right now.

Essentially though, you can go where you like and do what you want. Although I can’t take my daughter to the swings, because that isn’t yet permitted. But schools are open again, except where they aren’t, because all children, across the board and without exception, are completely 100% immune to the virus and so are all adults who work with children. Also people who are related to children or related to people who work with children are immune so schools are perfectly safe. And park benches are safe, for people to sit and drink in the sunshine. But swings, slides, climbing frames and seesaws are not safe.

Unless they are in a school. Then they are safe.

Anyway if you are concerned about the easing of lockdown then don’t worry, because the five conditions that needed to be met before lockdown could be eased have now been met. Apart from the ones that haven’t. But they more or less have all been met if you just ignore some of the facts.

I hope I have cleared up any misconceptions but please do ask Facebook or Twitter if you need further clarification.




  12 comments for “James Explains The Easing Of Lockdown

  1. June 5, 2020 at 6:46 am

    Thanks for this amusing post. As you know, from Monday 1 June it became illegal for couples (who are not part of the same household) to do what loving couples often do indoors. However the police have no power to enter premises so, basically the law is unenforceable and (as Mr Bumble says in Oliver Twist) also “an ass”. I am, obviously pleased that the police cant just march into people’s homes to check what couples are doing as I’m a libertarian with a small l. However, if one is going to make a law, then one should at least make that law enforceable! Best, Kevin

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 5, 2020 at 7:28 am

      Certainly if you apply the much vaunted ‘common sense’ approach then this is one rule that seems to lack any.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. June 5, 2020 at 10:29 am

    So, if I am a being a party to the regulations governing irregular gatherings am I included as a member of the regular household? I’m so confused, maybe a walk around the garden with a can of Beam might help? Under those guidelines it can’t hurt. My unenlightened brain hurts, you have my sympathy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 5, 2020 at 10:45 am

      It’s perfectly simple. The rules are very clear on all of this, except for the ones that aren’t and you should follow all the rules unless you don’t understand them or can’t be arsed. But you must remain drunk at all times

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 5, 2020 at 10:57 am

        I’m perfectly simple too. I’m not drunk, it just feels like I am after trying to understand. I know I have the beginings of a decent migraine/hangover starting. Maybe if I ask the government to help-

        Liked by 1 person

  3. June 5, 2020 at 11:52 am

    Rest assured it wasn’t me complaining about your advocacy of drinking in public. I’m just glad someone else is on board with my lockdown regime.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 5, 2020 at 11:57 am

      I don’t think anyone complained really – I jsut use that as an excuse to advocate more drinking…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. June 5, 2020 at 4:45 pm

    I asked my good friend The Right Honourable Jacob Rees-Mogg who commented “There is not a jot or a tittle of merit in this report. It is utter tosh. Mine’s a Bollinger!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 5, 2020 at 7:10 pm

      Typical Moggy. Truly the voice of the people…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. June 6, 2020 at 1:40 am

    Good job. It is as clear of an explanation as any other I have heard. I read your last line to my wife and she laughed out loud.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 6, 2020 at 7:28 am

      I’m pleased to hear it – laughter is all we’ve got at the moment

      Liked by 1 person

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