James Explains How To Blog

Hello bloggers and bots, it’s James here, off of the multi-award nominated blog, ‘James Proclaims’.

I’ve been at this blogging malarkey for over five years now (if we ignore all the blogs I started and then abandoned in the preceding years. Of which there were a few) so I’m something of an expert. Indeed after five years of blogging I’ve achieved the highest level of expertise that it’s possible to have. Because it takes exactly five years to achieve that.

If I’d been blogging for six years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

If I’d been blogging for seven years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

If I’d been blogging for eight years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

Five years is what it takes.

Have I made that clear?

If I’d been blogging for nine years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

So I am officially and legally an expert blogger.

But it occurs to me that some of you less experienced bloggers don’t really know how to blog properly.

And you need help.

Help that only I can provide.

So, if you want to stop having a rubbish blog and start having a good blog like this one, then you need to do the following immediately:

Step 1: Blog on WordPress. I assume that most of you have already got this bit right, because you’ve managed to find this amazing post and that’s much easier to do if you’re already on WordPress. But sometimes I do get visitors from places like Blogger.

Seriously, Blogger!

WordPress is better than Blogger for many reasons. Many many reasons. But we don’t have time to deal with those now. One of the great things about WordPress is that you can pay them money for things to make your blog better and you should do this because you don’t want to have a rubbish blog. Pay them whatever they want and don’t ask stupid questions. Also something about blocks.

Step 2: Get lots of followers. This is the absolutely most important bit about blogging. The best way to get new followers is to follow lots of other people and ‘like’ all of their posts. Don’t worry if that sounds like a lot of work because it isn’t. You don’t really need to read their posts. At all. However, if someone is being particularly stubborn and not following you back, then occasionally commenting on their blog with things like “Great blog!” or “Nice post!” will definitely win them over. So do that.

Step 3: Don’t attempt to be creative. Blogs aren’t for that. You’re part of a community now so just write things that other people will like. Whatever everyone else is talking about, make sure you talk about it too. And definitely make sure you agree with all the people in your community – they’ll be the ones that you are reciprocally following. It’s really important to try and sound like you might be saying something controversial and important while actually regurgitating what everyone else is saying.

Step 4: Your blog must have a purpose. Make sure that is clear. Otherwise you’ll never make any of the freely available money that is available to bloggers everywhere. Except for those chumps over on Blogger.

Blogger! Ha!

Step 5: Whatever the purpose of your blog is, ultimately the main purpose of your blog is to blog about blogging. If you’re new to blogging it’s really important to let everyone know how super excited you are to be blogging and how grateful you are to all of the bots who have decided to follow you. Then after a couple of years you might want to start mixing it up a bit and start being a bit snarky about certain ‘types’ of bloggers. And maybe start using words like snarky even though you don’t really know what they mean.

Step 6: When you’ve been at it a while you can start lamenting about how blogging isn’t as good as it used to be and how you really feel like giving up. But don’t actually give up. Just keep endlessly writing posts that suggest that you will.

Step 7: You’ve made it! You’re a proper blogger with all of the requisite skills. Now you have to pass on what you have learnt and dedicate your blog to making other people into better bloggers.

Ok, follow all those steps and you might one day have a blog that is almost as good as this one.

Why not tell me how helpful you found the advice in the comments section?

Oh and in case you were wondering – if I’d been blogging for ten years, I’d still only be as good as a blogger who had been blogging for five years because that is the highest level of blogging that it’s possible to achieve.

  51 comments for “James Explains How To Blog

  1. August 30, 2020 at 5:39 am

    Great blog Nice Post

    Liked by 3 people

  2. August 30, 2020 at 5:40 am

    Also I legitimately copied the stuff in yellow and pasted it elsewhere so I could receive your invaluable information

    Liked by 4 people

    • August 30, 2020 at 5:55 am

      that’s just how it appeared on the phone, looks fine on my laptop-another reason why wordpress is better than blogger

      Liked by 3 people

    • August 30, 2020 at 6:49 am

      Great idea! I look forward to seeing your much improved blog soon

      Liked by 2 people

  3. August 30, 2020 at 5:53 am

    I found the advice in the comments section quite helpful.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. August 30, 2020 at 6:02 am

    Great blog! Nice post! (notice that I added exclamation points.)

    Liked by 3 people

  5. August 30, 2020 at 8:27 am

    I have been blogging since 2013 but keep failing both Step 2 and Step 3. Thanks to your terrific guide I can see that I shouldn’t be bothered about getting past them anyway.

    Nice blog.

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 30, 2020 at 10:39 am

      All the steps are important if you want to be a good blogger. However if you insist on being creative you will never get much of a following. I’d suggest an increased focus on vitamins instead.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. August 30, 2020 at 9:09 am

    But for how many years do I have to keep blogging in order to achieve the highest level of expertise that it’s possible to have?

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 10:40 am

      That’s a very good question.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. LA
    August 30, 2020 at 11:09 am

    Wow. I really need to get on my blogging game…didn’t realize how behind I was

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 12:04 pm

      That’s why I’m here to help

      Liked by 1 person

  8. August 30, 2020 at 11:15 am

    All i could remember at the end of the post was “5 years” 😂😂😂 and I kind of disagree 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 12:05 pm

      It’s your prerogative if you want to disagree with a certified expert

      Like

  9. August 30, 2020 at 1:23 pm

    James, everything you have said is amazing, well done. I think I have
    Be absorbed most of it. Don’t feel obliged to reply.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 2:36 pm

      An expert blogger always replies even if only I to confirm that they have replied

      Like

      • August 31, 2020 at 1:20 pm

        But an average blogger also always feels compelled to reply. It’s addictive.
        What a dilemma!

        Like

  10. August 30, 2020 at 1:58 pm

    James, I really need to hear this today because I was getting lost.
    It’s the extra boost I needed to get me through. That coupled with the writers block I just purchased from the dumbest blogger.
    I am so glad you clarified the part about blogging for 10 years…
    I was wondering… let’s say hypothetically one could live to be 312 . And of those 312 they blogged for 11 of those years would they be… say “better” than the expert? I was curious…

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 30, 2020 at 2:39 pm

      I think you know the answer to that question. Although as a sprightly 290 year old myself I would acknowledge I still have a bit of time before I can confirm the answer with absolute authority

      Liked by 1 person

      • August 30, 2020 at 2:58 pm

        I am crushed… and here I had put you on a pedestal as the absolute authority on everything.
        It will take me some time to recover…

        Liked by 1 person

  11. August 30, 2020 at 2:16 pm

    I have some questions:

    So no niche required? I thought you needed a niche.

    What about whining? Especially repetitive whining? Will this gain you followers?

    And where’s the money? Aren’t expert bloggers successful and able to quit their day jobs?

    Huh?? 😉

    I’m disappointed these answers to very important questions weather’s blatantly ignored. 😂

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 30, 2020 at 2:43 pm

      It sounds like you’re ready for my advanced class. Fortunately I’m offering a very generous discount at the moment

      Like

  12. August 30, 2020 at 3:03 pm

    Don’t tell me how to blog. I’ve been blogging for five years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 5:48 pm

      I don’t need to, you’re already a master. You should be telling other people how to blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. August 30, 2020 at 3:08 pm

    Awesome blog. Neat post. How long did you say you’ve been doing this? I must have missed that…

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 5:48 pm

      I was worried I hadn’t made that clear

      Liked by 1 person

      • August 30, 2020 at 6:05 pm

        I think you may have mentioned it…

        Liked by 1 person

  14. August 30, 2020 at 4:20 pm

    Where was all this sound advice when I needed it… back in the halcyon days of Yahoo? A purpose! Yes. Why didn’t I think if that?

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 6:00 pm

      Don’t beat yourself up, a lot of bloggers make that mistake. It’s never too late to establish a purpose though but ultimately your goal must eventually be to blog exclusively about blogging. So you can skip straight to that if you like.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. August 30, 2020 at 6:25 pm

    I get it takes 5 years to to have a great blog, Then again I have been blogging for 2 and you are following me.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. August 30, 2020 at 9:11 pm

    I am trying. I know that because my wife keeps telling me that I am.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 30, 2020 at 9:12 pm

      It’s good to have a supportive wife

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Amanda Zoya
    August 31, 2020 at 7:05 pm

    Ha ha. I think you are at that stage where you want to say you are tired of blogging but dont.

    Five years its is. I am on year 1. Four to go and I can wear the title of ‘expert’.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 31, 2020 at 7:29 pm

      I could never be tired of blogging. A bit cynical perhaps (or more than a bit) but there’s a lot about it I still enjoy

      Like

  18. August 31, 2020 at 7:13 pm

    But, of course, if you had been blogging for ten years, you would be exactly as good as you were after nine, so that has to be good, doesn’t it. Doesn’t it? I am afraid I must admit that I have not read this particular post – nor indeed anything that you have ever written – but I enjoyed it immensely. I would love it if you decided to start reading my blog – although I am about to stop doing it – unless many more people start to read it. I am not sure about Snarky, but I am hunting one as I type…

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 31, 2020 at 7:51 pm

      If you do catch a Snarky then let me know. I’ve never seen one in real life before. I didn’t know you had a blog because I’m very busy over here being influential but if you follow my helpful suggestions then you’ll be beating off the readers with a stick. Although do make sure it’s a metaphorical stick because there are laws against hitting people with real sticks.

      Liked by 1 person

      • August 31, 2020 at 7:59 pm

        All are welcome here – except for whomever it is who has started sending me several hundred spam comments per day. But I’m pretty sure they won’t care one way or another…

        Liked by 1 person

  19. September 3, 2020 at 3:37 am

    So have I read this post? You’ll never know. I’ll just say, “Great post” to stroke your ego so you’ll visit thelonelymeatball.ca and read some children’s poetry! I’m posting again in less than 24 hours!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 3, 2020 at 6:45 am

      As long as my ego is appropriately rewarded then I’m happy enough

      Liked by 1 person

  20. September 15, 2020 at 7:32 am

    Love the color coding used. Im addicted to colors. I’m 2 weeks into blogging and I can already get what you’re trying to say. Gr8 post.😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 15, 2020 at 7:25 pm

      Oh you’re far too new to blogging to let me ruin it for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. September 15, 2020 at 7:27 pm

    Believe me. I can already feel the pain.🤣

    Liked by 1 person

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