Today is Little Proclaims’ birthday.

This is quite a big deal in the Proclaims household, largely because Little Proclaims wouldn’t have it any other way. She gets very excited about her birthday—sometimes a little too excited.

I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Yet it was apparently eight years ago. And I’ve welcomed another child since then, so obviously it wasn’t yesterday. I don’t really feel like I can possibly have been a dad for eight years, and yet simultaneously I feel like I’ve been a dad forever.

But it has only been eight years.

Little Proclaims has changed, of course, over the years. Yet she remains resolutely the same as that baby that I was ill-equipped to deal with, who turned my life upside down eight years ago.

How do you celebrate an eight-year-old’s birthday? It’s not easy.

We’ve done lots of things over the years.

Her first birthday (which, to be clear, is when she had been on the planet for a year and not the day of her birth which, while most definitively your birth day, is never referred to as your birthday) was a pretty good day. Lots of family came to visit Proclaims Towers and while she clearly had no idea what any of it was about, the pictures of that day show a toddler (and she was very much toddling by then) who was delighted by life.

Birthday 2 hit during Covid. But we were able to get out by August and we went to a National Trust property and she ran around a lot. Under the circumstances, a stellar success.

Birthday 3 and we went to a wildlife park, which was pretty cool. She was still too little to really know what was going on, but she liked the animals and the train ride and the chips we bought her in the cafe.

Birthday 4, she knew all about. And she was very excited—and made herself ill. So we had to postpone the planned trip to Longleat Safari Park, which was a shame, although we had a great day when we did go. Instead, we just went to a very pleasant park and let her ride around on her new scooter, while she proclaimed to anyone who would listen that it was her birthday. We bought her an ice cream which she didn’t eat, and then (in spite of that obvious red flag) we gave her pizza, which is her favourite food, and which she brought back up again. Also, she had a baby sister by this point, who was still very much a baby, so that was something.

Birthday 5, we went to the Science Museum in London. It was a brilliant day. She loved it. She also ran around Hyde Park a lot and played in the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. Her sister was largely indifferent to London, but I vaguely remember an exploding nappy.

Birthday 6, we attempted to recreate the magic of Birthday 5 by revisiting London. We went to the Natural History Museum this time. But it was a Saturday and it was overwhelmingly busy. She also made herself sick again. But she did enjoy the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain again, so the day was not a total write-off.

Birthday 7, the one we have to live up to: an actual birthday party (for which we had to remortgage Proclaims Towers), with a surprisingly large guest list considering her birthday is in August and most of her friends were away on holiday. Also, my family came to the party, which was great because Little Proclaims really loves her cousins. And they stayed in a local Holiday Inn, and because it was pretty cheap, we also stayed in the local Holiday Inn, even though we only live ten minutes away. Little Proclaims loves a hotel so she was blown away by this, but it left us with a bit of a problem this year.

Because we can’t top last year.

But much like when London hosted the 2012 Olympics and had the unenviable task of “topping Beijing,” we’re not going to try and top last year.

We’re going back to London instead to see dinosaurs—but not the ones in the Natural History Museum. We’re going to see a stage show in Wembley, which hopefully will be good. But just in case it isn’t, we’ve also booked ourselves into something called Bubble Planet, which is also in Wembley.

Last year I saw Oasis play in Wembley. I can’t imagine anything will top that Wembley experience for me. But if bubbles and dinosaurs don’t do it for Little Proclaims, then I don’t know what will.

Like with the Star Trek movies though, I’ve noticed that every other Little Proclaims birthday can be a little more “miss” than “hit.”

And often seem to involve vomit.

So we’ll keep our expectations realistic.

Whatever happens, it can’t possibly be more stressful than the day she was born.

When I felt sick.

And which seems like only yesterday