Another dive into the archives and I discovered this little piece. I haven’t done much of this kind of thing over the years, but I really like this.

I think I might have originally sketched this out back in my stand-up days. It would never have worked on the 5 minute open-mic circuit but I was knocking on the door of getting some longer gigs.

For reasons that are too perfunctory to go into here, I gave up the stand-up before I really had a chance to see if I would get anywhere with it. I’m not sure I would have.

I did pretty well in an arts centre on a Tuesday, but handling the drunken Friday night crowds was never my thing, and I very much doubt that this would have helped me much with that crowd.

I’m glad I found a home for it on the blog though and I think it more than deserves another airing.

Baa Baa Blackmail

Originally posted 30th June 2015

“Baa Baa Black Sheep, there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding…”

“Really sir, and why do you say that?”

“Well, as you’ll recall, I just asked you if you had any wool…”

“Indeed you did sir…”

“And you intimated that you have three bags full, presumably full of wool?”

“That they are sir, full to bursting with the finest wool they are…”

“Well, I was hoping to buy that wool…”

“Oh, right…I see…”

“Yes, I mean, when you say you have three bags of something that I’ve asked for, well, that does sort of imply that you might be able to sell me, at least a portion of that quantity, but having raised my hopes, you then tell me that each of those bags are already accounted for…”

“That’s right sir…”

“And I find that very disappointing.”

“No I do see you point sir. That is my mistake…”

“Shoddy customer service, that’s what it is…”

“Well I do have something to say in my defence sir…”

“And what it that then?”

“I’m a sheep sir.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m a sheep sir. It’s quite understandable that my customer service etiquette might not be up to the standards you’re used to. Because I’m a sheep. I’m not a person.”

“Yes, I take your point, but you are a talking sheep are you not?”

“I am indeed sir.”

“So I think it’s probably fair to hold you to the same rigorous standards as I would expect of any person.”

“Fundamentally sir, I disagree. Yes I’m able to talk, but that’s no reason to assume I hold any of the values that a human would hold. Particularly when it comes to retail.”

“Look, it’s a moot point. We are where we are. I need to buy some wool and you won’t sell me any.”

“Well the Master is a long standing customer sir, and the Dame, well I’d never hear the end of it if I sold you her wool…”

“Yes but that other customer of yours, the little boy…”

“The one who lives down the lane?”

“Yes, that’s the fella. Surely he doesn’t need a bag of wool?”

“Yes that did strike me as odd sir.”

“Well could I buy his?”

“Truthfully sir, I have no idea why a little boy would want a bag of black wool, but I’m an honest sheep and I intend to honour my commitments.”

“Are you sure I can’t change your mind?”

“I’m certain sir. No amount of money is going to change my mind.”

“Surely we can come to some kind of a deal… how about we discuss it over a nice lamb roast?”

“I really think that…sorry did you say lamb roast?”

“I did.”

“I take your point sir, how many bags of wool would you like?”