James Explains The Early Signs Of Madness Amongst Other Things

It’s Tuesday and therefore it’s time for me to get my ‘explaining hat’ on and do me some explaining.

Although, alas, the ‘explaining hat’ is entirely metaphorical. I couldn’t afford a non-metaphorical ‘explaining hat’. Also they don’t exist.

So hatless I come to explain. And what questions I have to answer this week.

Well these questions as a matter of fact:

These Were Humans asks:

Isn’t it possible that John Lennon was factually correct when he said the Beatles were bigger than Jesus given that there were 4 Beatles and 1 Jesus, whether you stack them lengthwise or side to side, the Beatles would almost certainly be bigger?

Think you’ve answered your own question there, which is marvellous. It saves me having to think of anything, so thanks for that. Still I feel I should offer a little something. It seems only fair. And in truth, I think you’re right, I’m sure that all four Beatles working together would definitely be physically bigger than Jesus, although we can’t be certain because there are no records of Jesus’ height and weight as far as I’m aware. Also Jesus was quite good at miracles as I recall, so he could probably still be bigger than four grown men if he so chose, I expect. And even if he wasn’t bigger than four Beatles, he would definitely have been bigger than four beetles.

Unless they were Volkswagen Beetles of course.

Pete is back with another query which is:

I  thought the first sign of madness was a hairy palm? …..and we all know what the second sign is don’t we?

As I stated two weeks ago Pete, the first sign of madness is talking to yourself. Hairy palms might be an unfortunate affliction but they have nothing to do with mental health as far as I’m aware. Although I would question the sanity of someone who elected to shave their palms. It just seems like an odd thing to do. That’s probably the second sign of madness.

What do you think James?

As ever James, I concur. Now where’s my razor?

Jay E is back with another intriguing question, which is:

What if there weren’t any hypothetical questions?

The only way to answer that question is with an hypothesis. And my hypothesis is that in the event that there weren’t any hypothetical questions, I might occasionally get some work done, rather than pondering whether or not I’d rather be a bee.

Suze is here again to ask:

Which is better..a chocolate hobnob in the hand or two in a bush? What IS a chocolate hobnob anyway and why does the Dr. (dr. Who…BBC…LONG-TIME television show?) like them…the tenth one did in any event. or was it the eleventh?

Lot’s of chocolate hobnob questions there Suze. And to answer your first one, there is no point in keeping chocolate hobnobs in a bush. So it’s always better to have one in the hand, but even better to have one in the mouth. Because, in answer to your second question, chocolate hobnobs are like regular hobnobs, but with chocolate on them. The combination of chocolate and hobnob is a heavenly collaboration, which renders it a biscuit that may be the greatest of them all, or at least the second greatest after the wonder that it is the noble Jammie Dodger. Incidentally the Eleventh Doctor enjoyed more than his fair share of Jammie Dodgers but it was the Seventh Doctor who was known to enjoy a chocolate hobnob. Although I’d be surprised if they both didn’t like both.

Stolzy’s five year old son is currently concerned with the following issue:

How is it that Pinocchio’s nose can grow if he is made out of wood?

It’s very simple Stolzy’s son. Pinocchio is a liar and when wooden boys lie, their noses grow. It’s basic biology. Also when they smoke they turn into donkeys, but that also applies to real boys.

When I was five I watched the Disney animated film and it gave me nightmares. But to this day I’ve never smoked a cigar.

Except on certain occasions when I’ve been drunk.

But I didn’t turn into a donkey.

Which is a relief, all things considered.

It is, however, more than probable that I made an ass of myself.

And that’s all I can be bothered to answer for this week’s James Explains. There are many more questions to be answered, however, and I’ll probably deal with some of those next week.