James Explains Independence Day


Happy 4th July everyone!

Today is officially Independence Day in the UK!

What’s that?

July 4th is Independence Day in the United States?

No, that can’t be right. Unless you mean the time that Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved the world from aliens in 1996? Because I’m pretty sure that was a movie. And not a great movie if I recall. I mean the effects were pretty good, and the two leads were decent enough, but it was all pretty derivative otherwise.

I haven’t seen the 2016 sequel, but I’ve heard it’s eminently forgettable. Actually, maybe I have seen it…

Anyway, if we’re not talking about the movie then I’m not sure how anyone could claim that Independence Day is a US thing rather than a UK thing.

What’s that you say? It’s to commemorate the 1776 Declaration of Independence, when the Thirteen Colonies ceased being part of the British Empire?

Actually, to be fair, that doesn’t sound like something we would want to celebrate in the UK. Indeed, I can’t imagine we would have been overly keen on that development back in 1776.

But hey, water under the bridge and all that.

If something that happened 244 years ago is still worth having a party for then go for it my American friends.

But we’ve got an Independence Day that really is worth celebrating over here. Because today is the day that we’ve finally beaten COVID 19 and we can get back to normality and doing what we do best in this country.

Which is getting drunk.

Because the pubs are open again!

Except for where they aren’t. Which I think is Scotland and Wales. And the city of Leicester. Which could be indicative that the easing of lockdown in the rest of the UK is premature. But it definitely isn’t.

Obviously, we haven’t stopped getting drunk just because the pubs have been shut anyway, because we’re British and the second the rules were relaxed on going to the park more than once a day, we’ve been in out in our masses, enjoying the sunshine and getting absolutely hammered. But now we can pay more money to do that in the pubs, which is superb news for the British Economy.

So, on this most British of Independence Days, I urge all of my compatriots to head to their nearest alehouse with the utmost haste.

Unless you want to get a haircut first, because that is also now permitted.

And shops have been open for ages, so you can go and spend your money there too, as long as you are planning on getting absolutely wasted at some point today.

Oi, you in the Lycra – where do you think you’re going?

The gym? I don’t think so my friend. While it is an actual fact that we have beaten the virus to a safe enough level for excessive alcohol consumption in overcrowded bars, we still need to act with some restraint. Gyms and swimming pools are obviously much more dangerous than pubs. Yes, today is a day for celebration but we can’t afford to do anything reckless like indoor exercise.

Honestly, some people…

Oh, and in terms of meeting up with other people, just to clarify:

  • You can meet as many people as you like in the pub
  • You can meet up to six people outside unless you would like to meet more people than that.
  • You can go to another person’s house and stay overnight, but you must only go to one house at a time. Anyone caught simultaneously in two houses at any one time will feel the full weight of the law. Which is currently about 8.2 mg, the same weight as the average feather.
  • You still need to stay either 2 metres or 1 metre apart from other people unless you can’t or you don’t want to.
  • You must get drunk.
  • There was definitely something about bubbles. Possibly champagne bubbles, but I’m sure any sparkling wine will do.

Above all else, remember these simple rules:


Stay Drunk

Ignore The Facts

Spend Your Money




  38 comments for “James Explains Independence Day

  1. July 4, 2020 at 9:12 am

    Great piece, James. Sadly, there are so many who will be doing just that, because they are too stupid not to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2020 at 9:20 am

      I suspect today may not be the proudest day this nation has ever known but I still hope I’m pleasantly surprised by tomorrow’s headlines

      Liked by 1 person

      • July 4, 2020 at 9:54 am

        I hope we are both surprised. Sadly, I don’t expect that we will.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. July 4, 2020 at 9:22 am

    I saw that Channel 4 is showing both the original and the sequel today, woo-hoo. It’s on one of the 4s, could be Film 4 or E4. So, no excuses! Hilarious post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2020 at 9:35 am

      I’m definitely going to watch the first one for nostalgic reasons. Not sure that will be enough for the second one…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. July 4, 2020 at 11:37 am

    I think you’ve captured the comic absurdity of it all very well, James!

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2020 at 11:40 am

      Once upon a time you had to exaggerate the absurdities to create satire. These days you just need to write down what is actually happening…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. July 4, 2020 at 12:51 pm

    Sound advice. If you pickle yourself with enough alcohol, the virus doesn’t stand a chance.

    Liked by 2 people

    • July 4, 2020 at 2:12 pm

      I believe that is the latest scientific advice

      Liked by 1 person

  5. July 4, 2020 at 3:41 pm

    Raising a pint of Sam Adams to you from across the pond.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2020 at 3:49 pm

      To be fair Sam Adams is a very nice beer

      Liked by 1 person

      • July 4, 2020 at 3:59 pm

        Indeed, although his forays into the tea business didn’t seem to inspire such positive reviews. Also, the Independence Day movie, although it feels quite dated and relies heavily on discredited 90s era Francis Fukuyamaesque political ideology, is actually kind of ok.

        Liked by 1 person

      • July 4, 2020 at 4:10 pm

        I am actually quite fond of the original movie. No idea if the sequel is any good or not but I’m guessing best avoided.

        Liked by 1 person

      • July 4, 2020 at 5:05 pm

        I saw it at a drive-in when it first came out. It’s pretty much what you would expect.

        Liked by 1 person

      • July 4, 2020 at 5:07 pm

        The end of history philosophy is still there. It was painfully anachronistic for a movie released in 2017 or thereabouts.

        Liked by 1 person

      • July 4, 2020 at 5:21 pm

        Now I have to watch it…

        Liked by 1 person

      • July 4, 2020 at 6:07 pm


        Liked by 1 person

  6. July 4, 2020 at 3:52 pm

    It’s possible that’s the best clarification of the rules. And as a British citizen looking at the US over the last few years, I feel we should definitely celebrate their independence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2020 at 4:11 pm

      It’s not their finest hour, but then again, it’s not our finest either…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. July 4, 2020 at 6:55 pm

    Many probably still abide by the You-only-live-once rule and feel like everything, including covid, doesn’t concern them… If only they knew better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2020 at 7:12 pm

      Sadly some of them might be about to learn a harsh lesson

      Liked by 1 person

  8. July 4, 2020 at 7:26 pm

    Thank you for clarifying the rules James. Our esteemed leader seems a little confused himself!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. July 4, 2020 at 9:01 pm

    Ummmmm… cheers?!? It almost seems as if there is a randomness to the planning- nah, an ex mayor of London knows what he’s doing, surely??????

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2020 at 9:08 pm

      He hasn’t taken a step wrong so far…

      Liked by 1 person

  10. July 4, 2020 at 9:56 pm

    Difficult to boldly step forth with one foot in the mouth and one up his-

    Liked by 1 person

  11. July 5, 2020 at 8:29 pm

    haha I endorse this message as well 😉 Lucky us- we can now get drunk (in public) and get a proper haircut! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 5, 2020 at 10:25 pm

      Does life get any better?


  12. July 6, 2020 at 6:17 pm

    Pretty sure that if I “Stay Drunk” (quite willing to give it a go BTW) then I will find I am following the other two instructions quite naturally! Cheers …

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: