The Infallible Power Of Bovril

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I like a cup of coffee
I enjoy a mug of tea
But a thermos filled with Bovril
Is really not for me

It’s not that I’m picky
But I can’t help but think
That salty extract of beef
Probably shouldn’t be a drink

I’m really not that fussy
About what I choose to eat
But I can’t get on board
With the idea of drinking meat

I suppose I’m less opposed
To Bovril as a spread
But if I have the option
I’d choose Marmite instead

Still in these times of Brexit
And negotiations going wrong
The UK should come together
And join in stoic song

For we may lose our household staples
If we can’t strike a deal
But we’ll have Bovril forever
(No matter how that makes us feel)

 

An Actual Advert For Bovril

Here We Go Again

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So apparently it’s on
Time for Corbyn versus May
Though I’m fairly sure that Farron
Will want to have his say

But will anybody listen
To Lib Dems this time around?
Have recent landscape changes caused
A resurgence newly found?

Will they reclaim their moral high ground?
Will they break the UKIP curse?
Now Farage has got his Brexit
Or will Nuttall make things worse?

Or is it Scottish nationals
Who will now reign supreme?
The most vocal opposition
To the hard Brexit regime

But they only fight in Scotland
So they can’t rule the rest
And it seems there’s no-one else
To put Theresa to the test

She’s called a snap election
To reinforce her strong position
As she leads us out of Europe
Against feeble opposition

But perhaps she’s got it wrong
And now cometh the hour
Jeremy will also cometh
And sweep Labour into power

It might seem unlikely
But if we learned anything last year
It’s that outcomes just might be
Both what we hope or what we fear

And does it really matter
Which leader we applaud
Since we said ‘f*** off’ to Europe
And bet our future on a fraud?

A Momentous Day

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If the motto of the Brexiteers
Is ‘All For Us and None For You’
Then today they’ll tone it down
As we begin to say adieu

For though we complain about officials
Who were appointed, not elected
We’ll ignore that our Theresa
Was unopposed when then selected

To move to Number Ten
And be the preeminent figure
To guide us through this mess
And today to pull the trigger

For if all hope now seems lost
And we think things can’t get better
Theresa begs to differ
And today she sent a letter

The letter went to a Donald
But not the one called Trump
(Though he’ll no doubt have his say
As we prepare to make the jump)

To become once more an island
An isolated nation
No longer able to blame
Everything on immigration

We’re told things will improve
But they might be getting bleaker
As the prices all go up
And the pound is getting weaker

But fear not my fellow Brits
In the short-term we’ll be thrifty
But soon we’ll be in ‘dreamland’
Through article number fifty

The Future Is Bright

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The realities of a ‘post-truth’ world
Are hard to distinguish from those
Of the pre-truth world
Worlds where we are bombarded by images
Of things we neither want nor need
Although
On reflection
Maybe we might need them
And we do quite want them
In fact, we can’t live without them

But iThink iKnow what iNeed
Though Apples are not the only fruit
Just look in the Amazon
For a Galaxy of alternatives
An Xperiance like no other
Knock here to use the Windows
If you want to escape the Androids

What do you think Alexa?
Or should we ask Siri?
Maybe Cortana?
But no-one asks Cortana.
Any more than anyone ever asked Jeeves

WikiLeaks will show us the way
To the whole truth
Or at least to aspects of the truth
Or an interpretation of the truth
The truth that will sell the most papers Continue reading The Future Is Bright

The Will Of The People

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Who is this ‘Will Of The People’
He that cannot be denied
And must be honoured, revered and obeyed?
I can think of many Wills
But none that strike me
As being ‘Of The People’

Not the Conqueror I’d wager
Or the one who liked Orange
And certainly neither Pitt Junior
Nor indeed Senior
And it really doesn’t seem
Like it was  Wilberforce’s thing

I doubt very much it’s
Shakespeare or Wordsworth
Popular in their own way
But less influential to modern ears
Than perhaps they were in days gone by Continue reading The Will Of The People

James Complains About Quite A Lot Of Things

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Although I tend to mock the whole idea of New Year’s Resolutions, January 2017 seems to have coincided with me ‘upping my game’ in blogging terms. I’ve been posting pretty regularly, a minimum of three times a week and on occasion four. Furthermore, although many of my blog posts have been in the form of bad poetry or bad art, Mondays have tended to be for a more considered, longer piece of writing.

That, people of the blogosphere, takes planning and effort.

Seriously.

It might not seem like it but those meandering Monday posts, with questionable grammar and no particular point, do actually take me a bit of time to produce. I generally take the whole weekend to ‘craft’ them. Continue reading James Complains About Quite A Lot Of Things

An Awkward Encounter at the Deli Counter

James Proclaims (4)

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Saturday lunchtimes are often a conundrum for Mrs Proclaims and I. Most meal times are pretty regulated these days due to a highly efficient grocery-shopping schedule.

(That’s right I’ve opened a post with the phrase ‘highly efficient grocery-shopping schedule’. This one’s going to be roller coaster of a post…)

Essentially we get our groceries delivered every Sunday and Wednesday by a major supermarket. We do this because neither of us can be trusted to actually go to the supermarket and restrict ourselves to purchasing the stuff we need. Very often other stuff finds its way into the trolley. Stuff that is bad for us. Continue reading An Awkward Encounter at the Deli Counter

Podiatric Problems

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I’ve got cold feet
Less because
I want to withdraw
From an undertaking
To which
I have
Perhaps ill-advisedly
Committed
And more I think
Because it’s January
And I’m wearing neither
Socks nor slippers

Still, I sometimes wish
That the UK government
Had experienced slightly cooler feet
Than they clearly did
When committing to
An ill-conceived referendum
Several months ago

The Obligatory New Year’s Eve Review Of The Year That Was

James Proclaims (6)

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Last year I wrote a review of 2015 on the 31st December so it seems only fitting that I review 2016 today.

Except that I’d rather not.

It seems to be universally accepted that 2016 was a bit of a rubbish year all around.

Not for everyone obviously – some people might well be thinking that 2016 was quite good.

If you’re British and you hate immigrants then you might be feeling like 2016 was a pretty good year, what with Brexit and all that. Obviously 2017 is going to be a bummer for you when you realise that Brexit isn’t going to deliver on any of the things you thought you were voting for. Then again it might take until 2019 or even 2020 for you to work that out.

But thanks to Brexit, us Brits can pretty much write off 2017 before it even begins. Continue reading The Obligatory New Year’s Eve Review Of The Year That Was

Shock News – Nothing Is Surprising Anymore

James Proclaims (4)

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I didn’t start this blog to discuss politics. I know nothing about politics really.

Aside from what you’d expect a really intelligent person to know. Who is also staggeringly handsome, athletic and charming. I know about as much as someone who’d fit that description. I’m not saying that I fit that description. That’s not for me to say.

But I do. And I’m also immensely modest.

But enough about me.

And more about politics.

Because even if I don’t want to talk about politics, the world just keeps on making me. Continue reading Shock News – Nothing Is Surprising Anymore