Scraping The Barrel

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Is there any problem in the world that can’t be solved by a nice biscuit? Maybe a Chocolate-covered Digestive, or perhaps a Jammy Dodger?

I mean obviously obesity.

It stands to reason that you aren’t going to solve obesity by eating Shortbread.

But, aside from that, is there any problem in the world that can’t be solved by taking time out to munch on a Malted Milk?

Ok, admittedly, it’s unlikely to solve some of the bigger world problems. The UK’s ignominious separation from Europe is still going to be mishandled by Tory infighting regardless of how many Oreos you stuff into your mouth and the septuagenarian toddler in the White House is still going to spout ridiculous, regressive rhetoric irrespective of your Hobnob consumption.

But on a personal level, is there any problem that can’t be overcome by eating Chocolate Chip Cookies?

Well yes.

Eating excessive Viennese Whirls is not going to make your job any more interesting, your bathroom any more decorated or your utility bills any lower.

Bourbons are certainly not going to finish that novel you’re trying to write.

Or start writing it for that matter.

Consuming Custard Creams, gorging on Garibaldis or polishing off Pink Wafers will not lead to long-term happiness.

But they do make a lovely addition to a cup of tea or coffee and may put a smile on your face for a few minutes.

Which is something.

Jaffa Cakes are nice too, but people are often unsure whether they are biscuits or cakes.

And the answer is clearly cakes.

The clue is in the name.

But regardless of that, they do the job of a biscuit well enough.

And whatever your biscuit of choice, or hot beverage for that matter, you should go and have one of each now.

It would be a better use of your time than reading this.

It might have been better for everyone had I not shifted myself away my own biscuit tin in order to write this banality.

But, for the sake of ongoing blog content, I decided to switch scraping a biscuit barrel for a metaphorical one.

I’m truly sorry.

Have a bourbon on me*.

*I won’t actually be providing the bourbons – you’ll have to buy those yourself. Feel free to switch to another biscuit of choice instead. But do have a biscuit. You’ll feel better for it. Unless that biscuit is a Rich Tea. Because seriously, what is the point of those?

Weathering The Storm With A Nice Cup Of Tea

I was slightly nervous about posting this week’s oeuvre for ‘Artist’s Corner’.

It might be a touch controversial.

I can imagine some people might get offended.

There may be anger and vitriol.

Maybe some things shouldn’t be shared with world.

But art is art and it behooves me to post this no matter what the reaction.

Because if people are upset, I hope with time they will be able to get over it and appreciate this for what it really is.

Which is, after all, just ‘A Storm In A Teacup.’

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Just One More

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“Just one more,” is my mantra
As I near my breaking point
Just one more and I can rest
And ease my creaking joints

Breathless, broken, sweating
An hour of constant pain
At the end of which I wonder
What exactly do I gain?

The answer comes soon after
I pick myself up off the floor
And crack open the biscuit tin
When it’s never ‘just one more’…

Even I Don’t Know What This Post Is About And I Wrote It

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I’m in work as I write this.

Which might seem a bit naughty, because one should never use work time for blogging and I absolutely never would. It’s not ok to blog during work time.

The above paragraph was written on the basis that although there’s no chance my boss ever reads my blog, if she actually were to read it, I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t get past the first few sentences. Much like when she reads my emails. If she does indeed read them. Which doesn’t always appear to be the case.

Although I don’t make a habit of blogging in work time, my moral stance on blogging during work time is perhaps more liberal than the stance I took a mere 2 paragraphs ago. Frankly if my employer thinks it’s ok to expect me to complete paperwork in my own time then surely it’s ok to blog during work time.

But actually I don’t tend to blog during work time very often. Continue reading Even I Don’t Know What This Post Is About And I Wrote It

Always Read The Label

It’s Friday, which is the day that, when I can be bothered, I post something that I claim is art, even though it really isn’t.

Even accepting the notion that art is in the eye of the beholder, and that anything can therefore qualify as art, it would be a stretch to claim I’ve actually achieved anything remotely artistic with my ‘Artist’s Corner’ feature.

But today that’s about to change because, ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I give you this masterpiece:

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Now you might claim that all I’ve done here is rip the label off a tin of tomatoes and replaced it with a white self adhesive label onto which I’ve written the word worms.

And you’d be right, that is all I’ve done.

It isn’t an actual can of worms and not even a particularly gullible small child would fall for it. Mrs Proclaims was, nonetheless, a tad apprehensive when I opened the above can earlier this week to make a sea food pasta dish. She ate it but she did eye the squid with a little more suspicion than usual.

But it is art nonetheless, because my ‘can of worms’ is representative of all of the metaphorical ‘cans of worms’ being opened at the moment, all over the world (but often by one man in particular…).

When you think about it I’ve been very very clever here.

Probably the most clever of all the artists.

 

Sofa So Good

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Oh hallowed throne of relaxation
I sit here in shallow content
Though there may be some procrastination
That wasn’t my intent
For while I may have much to do
Tasks I should complete
I shall not achieve much today
For I’m only on episode two
Of a boxset that is quite a treat
So on the sofa I shall stay

James Complains About Plumbers

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Ok, it’s been a while since I did a ‘James Complains’, so just a  reminder that nothing here is to be taken too seriously. There are bigger problems in the world than my relationship with plumbers.

And if you are a plumber reading this, then please be aware that I am very much against the notion of tarring everyone who does a particular job with the same brush.

I’m sure there are some excellent plumbers out there and I’m sure they are professional and courteous and do a fine job to boot.

In fact the plumber that came to my house today could be described as a genuinely lovely bloke.

And he knew his way around the old pipework.

And he left us with working taps in both the kitchen and the bathroom and that is to be commended, for that was not previously the case. Continue reading James Complains About Plumbers

You’ll be egg-static when you read this post – it’s full of egg-cellent yolks

Welcome to another ‘Artist’s Corner’, the regular feature on my blog, which imaginary critics are calling “absolutely pointless” and “the worst thing I’ve ever seen on any blog ever”.

Some pretty hurtful imaginary comments there but regardless I press on with my poor attempts at art.

Normally I’d unveil a fairly rubbish drawing at this point but this week I decided to use the camera bit on my phone to create some ‘concept’ art.

Actually there’ll be a few of these coming up in the next few weeks – I did get a little ‘snap-happy’ once I started.

To begin with though I drew a face on an egg. Hence the ‘egg-based’ puns which featured heavily in the title to this post but have been strangely absent in the post itself.

I expect there’ll be some in the comments though – and yes dear readers that is an invitation to make some egg-based puns in the comments. I’ll be disappointed if there aren’t any now.

Also, if you’re in the mood, you can come up with a name for my little friend.

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But not Eggy McEggface.

I think we’re all better than that.

And also it’s probably best to not get too attached – the morning after I took that photo he made a rather delicious omelette.

The Grass Is Always Greener

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If the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
Perhaps that means it rains more on that side
Which may not be a bad thing
If greener grass is worth a little extra rain
Although it seems unlikely
That it would rain more
On the other side of the fence
Because weather isn’t generally that different
On two sides of the same fence
That generally isn’t how weather works Continue reading The Grass Is Always Greener

A Lacustrine Staycation

For the sake of context I should point out that I wrote this a week and half ago when I was still very much on holiday in the Lake District. I’m not any more. It doesn’t really matter but I don’t want anyone reading this to feel mislead.
Because I care.
That’s just the kind of person I am.
Anyway, without further ado, here is my account of my holiday in the Lake District:

As I write this I’m warming myself by the fireplace.

Which is unusual.

Because, while there notionally is a fireplace in my small Victorian terraced house in Reading, it is not something Mrs Proclaims and I ever use, for all kinds of practical reasons.

However, even if we did avail ourselves of the facility in question, it would not be usual recourse for us to do so in the height of the British summer.

Which is, supposedly, happening at the moment. Continue reading A Lacustrine Staycation