I don’t know if the problem is that I’m uninspired Or if it’s just a case that I’m a little overtired But lately I’ve been struggling to locate my muse I’ve checked and it’s not hiding in either of my shoes I’m sure that other bloggers have experienced my plight It’s hard to keep on…
Category: Humour
A Blog Post That Is Today’s Blog Post Unless You Are Reading It On A Different Day
It’s Sunday afternoon as I write this. Little Proclaims is having a nap, Mrs Proclaims is working on her PhD and I am steadfastly ignoring a report I am supposed to be writing for work. To be fair the report is mostly done, and to be even fairer, no-one is ever actually going to read…
A Rhyme That Serves A Purpose
When you are a blogger That is plagued by writer’s block And you’re trying to post daily And you’re up against the clock It’s better not to worry That you’re running out of time Instead just phone it in With a facile little rhyme
A Token Post
Hello dear readers and welcome back to the multi-award nominated blog, James Proclaims. Since the end of March 2020 I have been posting on a daily basis but I almost didn’t manage to post anything today. As it is I’m already over twelve hours late in posting this, given that my usual arbitrary blogging time…
A Haiku That Is True But Worryingly Non-Committal And Potentially Misleading
If I only write A single haiku this week It will be this one
A Churlish Celebration Of World Book Day
Happy World Book Day everyone! Because if you live in the UK, then today is World Book Day. If you live somewhere else then it probably isn’t. Because we ‘celebrate’ World Book Day on a different day to the rest of the world. Which means that we should call it ‘UK Book Day’. But we…
A Poem About How The Beginning Of March Is Never Quite As Nice, Weather-wise, As We Expect It To Be
Though March is but a few days old I’m disappointed, (truth be told) That most days are still quite cold Unlike the dream that I was sold I was taught that March was Spring Newly returned birds would sing And clement weather they would bring While everyone produced offspring Instead as I awake each day…
A Rapid And Somewhat Cynical Rhyme About The Ending Of Covid Restrictions In The UK (That May Or May Not Be Happening In The Near Future)
You could say 2021 Has not really been much fun But as we’re on month number three It won’t be long until we’re free For now that spring has almost sprung We will soon all be back among People that we’ve had to avoid As our social lives were destroyed By a globalish pandemic That…
Of Leeks, Daffodils, Cakes And Superheroes
Yesterday, I wrote a post in which I made claims to be Welsh, so it would seem negligent not to acknowledge that today is St David’s Day, given that St David is the patron saint of Wales. I don’t know much about St David himself, but I’m not sure that’s really the point of a…
Come On Wales!
I am Welsh. Sort of. I was actually born in England, to an English mother and a sort of Indian father. My father was born in India, but moved to the UK when he was four years old. He grew up in England but moved to Wales when he was eighteen to go to university…
A Post That May Leave You Cold
These days I generally schedule my posts in advance, even the bad poetry, which means that I am guilty of committing those crimes against literature in cold blood. But this morning I woke up and realised I had no post scheduled. So this post is as close to a ‘live performance’ as I can get…
A Haiku To Ironically Celebrate The Fact That It Has Been A While Since I Last Wrote A Haiku After Going Through A Phase Of Writing Too Many Haikus
My name is James and I’m a haiku-aholic Having a relapse
A Found Poem From A Frustrating Ten Minutes Waiting For A Virtual Meeting To Begin
Occasionally I like to put together a ‘Found Poem’ based on things that other people have written or said. In this case it was something I heard while waiting to join quite an important meeting that I was dreading. It turned out not to be as bad as I feared it would but in those…
Free Verse That Is Quite Annoying
I’m likely to be annoyed today So I wrote this yesterday When I was only expecting to be annoyed And not yet actually annoyed Perhaps the annoying thing won’t be quite so annoying But it seems likely that it will be quite annoying So I thought I’d write this annoying post In anticipation of feeling…
Doing Precisely What We’ve Done 18 Times Before Is Exactly The Last Thing They’ll Expect Us To Do This Time
As I write this it is Monday morning, and we’ve yet to formally hear any details of Boris Johnson’s ‘roadmap’ to lifting lockdown. He’s going to speak later. But details have been leaked. And those details look suspiciously like the ‘roadmap’ out of lockdown 1. Is it unfair of me to compare our very real…
A Relatively Charming Post About Not Much At All
As I write this, it is 8:30 on Sunday morning, though it will be Monday by the time this reaches either of my regular readers. Thus far today I have completed a fairly taxing workout that mostly comprised of doing lots of press ups (to anyone from outside of the UK, the ‘press up’ is…
A Limerick That Is Self-Deprecating On One Level But Also A Bit Sarcastic On Another Level
My intellectual property Is not worth that much at all to me In the light of its theft I would not be bereft It’s already overpriced at ‘free’
A Rapid Rhyme That Continues A Recent Theme About Pandemic Overeating
When I can’t cope I look for hope In empty calories In salted snacks and melted cheese Food gives relief Though not without griefFor the less I abstain The more weight I gainAnd perhaps even worse The comfort’s inverse The more I find in chow The less my trousers offer now
A Rapid Rhyme About Drinking Beer
Recently I fear I’ve been drinking too much beer Though it might be less risky Than consuming excess whisky It has often been my way To knock back an IPA I find you cannot fail With a decent pale ale Though I’d probably be fitter If I eased off on the bitter I know I…
A Poem That Is Intentionally Boring
This poem is quite boring This poem’s not interesting This poem is monotonous This poem is tedious This poem is repetitious This poem is repetitiousThis poem’s unimaginative This poem is repetitive This poem is repetitive This poem is unimaginative This poem is repetitious This poem is repetitiousThis poem is tedious This poem is monotonous This…
A Rapid Rhyme About Poor Lifestyle Choices For Which I’m Making The Current Pandemic A Scapegoat
Oh we’re still in lockdown three Yearning to be free But you won’t find me whinging Instead I’ve started binging Boxsets, booze and food Whatever takes my mood I’m looking quite a state I’m more than overweight But it’s hard to really care If I’m not going anywhere And since I’m staying here I’ll have…
A Rhyme That Is Relying On Its Dissimilarity To Other Poetic Forms In Order To Justify Its Existence
Today I have nothing of worth to say But it appears that I’m saying it anyway And when I have nothing to convey Bad poetry often becomes my mainstay Indeed on this blog there’s a fine array Of underwhelming haikus on display It’s a tactic I tend to overplay In my quest to post something…
Virtual Participation
The other day I had to attend a conference of sorts. It’s not a regular feature of my job but it happens once in a while. In normal times ‘attending’ would have meant driving or travelling by train for an hour or so, rolling up at a venue, enjoying some free coffee (and hopefully a…
A Silly Poem For My Wife On Valentine’s Day
Please be mine On this day of Valentine It’s not like you have a choice So you might as well rejoice Because you are my wife And that’s a job for life Unless of course You have grounds for divorce But you’ve stuck with me this long To leave now would be wrong And if…
A Haiku About Why I Persist In Writing Haikus Even Though I Quite Often Disparage The Plethora Of Haikus On My Blog
Trivial haikus Statistically speaking Are quite popular
Another Limerick That Was More About Me Trying To Make Something Rhyme With The Town Of Reading Than Any Serious Attempt To Say Anything Of Value. Also It Is Still Not Autobiographical
Once a young man travelled to Reading He didn’t know where he was heading He was aiming for Slough But he won’t go there nowCos he’s far too late for his wedding
A Limerick That Was More About Me Trying To Make Something Rhyme With The Town Of Reading Than Any Serious Commentary On The Current Pandemic. Also It Is Not Autobiographical
There was a young man from Reading Who was worried about viruses spreading The television news Only served to confuse Now he was also scared of viral shedding
I Want To Help You Daddy
The other day I was giving Little Proclaims a bath. I say ‘giving her a bath’, but these days my main function is to get the water to the right temperature and then hover in the background while she plays with her plastic ducks. It’s certainly not an unpleasant part of the evening but I…
A Recent ‘Conversation’ Between Me And My Two-Year-Old Daughter
“Daddeee! My welleeee!” “Oh no, has your welly come off? Well I’m driving at the moment but I’ll put it back on for you when I can stop.” “Dadddeeeeee!!! My welleeee! My welleeee!” “I know sweetheart but I can’t stop the car at the moment.” “My welleeee! My welleeee! My welleeeeeee!” “I’m really sorry darling,…
A Poem That Mainly Laments February
February is a short month Even when it’s long But if you think that brevity Makes it easier, you’re wrong February is still quite hard The weather is still cold And the days are still much shorter Than I’d like if truth be told Oh things improve toward the end Of February’s short stint Pay…
A Cinquain That Is Fully Aware That It Is Not A Haiku
Today I felt obliged Not to write a haiku I think I managed to achieve Just that
