Category: Humour

James Reviews – Drumstick Pencils

Could this be another new feature on James Proclaims? A feature where I regularly review stuff that you may, but probably won’t, find useful? Only time will tell. Today I’m reviewing something that I got given as a Secret Santa gift in December 2013. I am reviewing these drumstick pencils.

Baa Baa Blackmail

“Baa Baa Black Sheep, there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding…” “Really sir, and why do you say that?” “Well, as you’ll recall, I just asked you if you had any wool…” “Indeed you did sir…” “And you intimated that you have three bags full, presumably full of wool?” “That they are sir, full…

This Is Not A Poem

I didn’t know what to write today, So I wrote this, And tried to make it look like a poem But it obviously isn’t a poem. Although it may qualify as a poem, In the eyes of some It definitely isn’t a poem, And the word poem is overused In my defence, I’m not that…

James Complains – About A Shouty Man

Friday’s post signalled an end to my Blogging 101 days. Technically there were some follow-up tasks to do on the weekend, but I’d already decided the course was over, so there was no going back. However the final task did lead me to contemplate what regular features I might run on this blog, and the…

Arise Sir Blogger

Well it’s day 15 of blogging 101 and we’ve made it. Just one more task to complete and I can become an officially licensed blogger. So what have I learnt? Well the main lesson would probably be that blogging about blogging, even when you’re doing it ironically, has a limited appeal. I’d like to thanks…

You Need This Stuff

It’s been a refreshing two days of not gently mocking the rudimentary online learning programme that is ‘Blogging 101’, yet my last two posts were, in fact, assignments for said course. Some might say that my writing is more appealing when it’s not specifically on the topic of blogging. To those people I say… …well,…

The Room is Booked Until Twelve

Brian drained the last of his tea and looked desirously at the chocolate hobnobs that were, infuriatingly, just out of reach. Geoff leaned over and grabbed one, almost as if to rub it in. The ‘minute hand’ continued its leisurely passage towards the top of the clock where the ‘hour hand’ was waiting impatiently. Geoff…

Say Hello To My Little Friend

This is Humpty. You might know him better as Mr Dumpty. But I call him Humpty, because we’re on first name terms. Humpty and I have been friends since I was but a small child. Humpty was made by my amazingly talented aunt. My Humpty is not the original Humpty. The original Humpty was an…

Imagine This Title Was Something Clever About Blogging

It’s the final week of ‘Blogging 101’. Five more days of following an entirely optional course about blogging and being unnecessarily sarcastic about the whole process… Or maybe not… Maybe the final week is the time to get serious. I don’t want to look back and regret a missed opportunity when they decide on the…

I bet Luke Skywalker didn’t send a card either…

Disclaimer In the 363 words that follow this disclaimer, there are: 210 words of insincerity for comic effect, 22 words of heartfelt sincerity and 131 words of something else. End of disclaimer First things first. It’s Fathers Day today and I’ve forgotten to send a card. So if you’re reading this Dad: Happy Father’s Day!…

All Blog And No Play…

According to my wife, my posts are becoming a bit niche… It’s true that ten days of blogging about blogging can take its toll. I need a rest from all of this. Fortunately it’s Friday and therefore the weekend, so for the next two days I can blog about all the cool stuff I do……

Tears Of A Clown

I didn’t think this through at all. I genuinely signed up for ‘Blogging 101’ to make this a better blog, but then I got all cocky and ‘clever’ and decided that, rather than discreetly following the tasks, I’d be all impudent and witty and openly mock the course like the class clown I always yearned…

Social Commentary

Day eight of blogging 101 and given my unhealthy need to write about each of the tasks rather than just getting on with them quietly like a good student, I absolutely cannot do today’s assignment. It is as follows: Leave comments on at least four blogs that you’ve never commented on before. I frequently do…

The One With Nothing In It

Welcome back to James Proclaims for another enthralling report about the travails of a novice blogger, who is trying to achieve blogging enlightenment through a series of prosaic tasks that are masquerading as some kind of insightful training. Yes it’s day seven of Blogging 101 and today’s thrilling task is: Create and upload a simple header,…

About A Blog

It’s week two of Blogging 101 and I have that ‘Monday Morning’ feeling, which is ironic for three reasons. One is that I’m posting this on Monday evening,  two,  I have vaguely disputed the notion of the ‘Monday Morning’ feeling, on a post that I wrote back when no-one was reading this blog, and three I…

An Infusiasm For Tea

Unlike me, my other half is not a coffee drinker. When I first met her, she mostly consumed diet cola, but she’s moved on from that phase and will now indulge in hot drinks like a proper adult. Most often in polite company, she’ll go for an English Breakfast tea without milk (she doesn’t ask…

A Tale Of Two Triangles

Until today I didn’t know what the word ‘taxonomy’ meant. Actually that probably isn’t especially surprising. It’s not a word in common usage. If you’re interested (and I’m less than certain that I am) the relevant dictionary definition is “a scheme of classification”. I looked it up because I was thinking about ‘Bloom’s Taxonomy’, which I…

Behold The Blog

Yesterday, after reading my post about who my ideal reader might be, my dearest wife looked at me with genuine sadness. “I don’t think I’m your ideal reader.” she sighed. Truthfully she didn’t really enjoy yesterday’s effort and struggled to hide it. I love the fact that she tried to like it though, indeed, given…

This One’s For You!

Day four of Blogging 101 and having used up all my naughty school kid metaphors yesterday, I’m going to buck up my ideas, knuckle down and do today’s assignment sensibly. It is: Publish a post you’d like your ideal audience member to read, and include a new-to-you element in it. Seems pretty straight forward. Except…

Plural Pursuivant

Day three of Blogging 101 and by now I’m the kid sitting at the back of the class, swinging on his chair and flicking bits of rubber at the other kids. The Blogging 101 teacher has called my parents to inform them that ‘I’m not reaching my full potential.’ My mum thinks it’s because I’m…

A Blog By Any Other Name

It is day two of my journey to blog perfection as I reinvent James Proclaims with the help of WordPress course Blogging 101. I’m now wondering if I may, in fact, have bitten off more than I can chew. There’s three weeks of this in total. I’m no expert, but if I just blog about blogging…

Je Me Fous Du Passé

I’m 36. I’m ok with that. Age is just a number really. You’re as old as you feel and all that. I spent most of my late teens and early twenties either drunk or with a hangover, so I’ve generally felt healthier since I arrived in my late twenties. I’m not exactly a changed man,…

Way Of The Sloth

Last night I did Kung Fu. It’s not unusual for me to do this on a Thursday night. It’s when the class is. I say I did Kung Fu, the instructor may disagree with my assertion that what I did last night was Kung Fu. He may, in fact, suggest that what I was doing…

Nee Naw

Sometimes I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything. It’s not depression or anything like that. It’s just hard to inspire yourself when you’ve already achieved everything you ever wanted to… Well maybe not everything, I still have ambitions, but anything that happens from now on will always pale into insignificance now that…

The Puddle Polemic

Although I can drive, I tend, for the most part, to be a pedestrian. Currently I can walk to work and l live close to most of the amenities I need. I like walking places. It gives me an opportunity to reflect on the world around me and on life in general. Plus it’s good…

Superfluous Spice

My other half occasionally claims to be a vegetarian. She knows that she isn’t really, she’s actually a pescetarian but people find it easier to understand vegetarian. For some reason it’s more difficult to accept someone not eating meat if the person in question is perfectly happy to eat fish. Not that my beloved explains her motivations particularly…

The Goblet of Football

This post is about football, so it would be remiss not mention yesterday’s Fifa election, which Sepp Blatter, won, essentially unopposed. Again.  This despite much public outcry and allegations of corruption. This is the world governing body of a sport is it not? Because it felt a bit like he had held onto power in…

Parlons de la Voiture

I drive a 2007 silver Ford Ka. It is not the coolest car in the world. Still I quite like it. I live in Reading after all, a town that is perennially beset with traffic problems, so even if I owned a Ferrari, I’d be stuck in the same slow-moving one-way system. Plus I couldn’t…

Of Retail and Robins

The walk to my local supermarket is eminently pleasant. It’s a twenty minute stroll through charming green parkland, alongside a canal, complete with lock and canal boats, and at one point a dramatic river crossing, which incorporates a stunning vista of the Thames in all its glory. It makes me feel a little guilty that…