Welcome back to James Proclaims for another enthralling report about the travails of a novice blogger, who is trying to achieve blogging enlightenment through a series of prosaic tasks that are masquerading as some kind of insightful training. Yes it’s day seven of Blogging 101 and today’s thrilling task is: Create and upload a simple header,…
Category: Humour
About A Blog
It’s week two of Blogging 101 and I have that ‘Monday Morning’ feeling, which is ironic for three reasons. One is that I’m posting this on Monday evening, two, I have vaguely disputed the notion of the ‘Monday Morning’ feeling, on a post that I wrote back when no-one was reading this blog, and three I…
An Infusiasm For Tea
Unlike me, my other half is not a coffee drinker. When I first met her, she mostly consumed diet cola, but she’s moved on from that phase and will now indulge in hot drinks like a proper adult. Most often in polite company, she’ll go for an English Breakfast tea without milk (she doesn’t ask…
A Tale Of Two Triangles
Until today I didn’t know what the word ‘taxonomy’ meant. Actually that probably isn’t especially surprising. It’s not a word in common usage. If you’re interested (and I’m less than certain that I am) the relevant dictionary definition is “a scheme of classification”. I looked it up because I was thinking about ‘Bloom’s Taxonomy’, which I…
Behold The Blog
Yesterday, after reading my post about who my ideal reader might be, my dearest wife looked at me with genuine sadness. “I don’t think I’m your ideal reader.” she sighed. Truthfully she didn’t really enjoy yesterday’s effort and struggled to hide it. I love the fact that she tried to like it though, indeed, given…
This One’s For You!
Day four of Blogging 101 and having used up all my naughty school kid metaphors yesterday, I’m going to buck up my ideas, knuckle down and do today’s assignment sensibly. It is: Publish a post you’d like your ideal audience member to read, and include a new-to-you element in it. Seems pretty straight forward. Except…
Plural Pursuivant
Day three of Blogging 101 and by now I’m the kid sitting at the back of the class, swinging on his chair and flicking bits of rubber at the other kids. The Blogging 101 teacher has called my parents to inform them that ‘I’m not reaching my full potential.’ My mum thinks it’s because I’m…
A Blog By Any Other Name
It is day two of my journey to blog perfection as I reinvent James Proclaims with the help of WordPress course Blogging 101. I’m now wondering if I may, in fact, have bitten off more than I can chew. There’s three weeks of this in total. I’m no expert, but if I just blog about blogging…
Je Me Fous Du Passé
I’m 36. I’m ok with that. Age is just a number really. You’re as old as you feel and all that. I spent most of my late teens and early twenties either drunk or with a hangover, so I’ve generally felt healthier since I arrived in my late twenties. I’m not exactly a changed man,…
Way Of The Sloth
Last night I did Kung Fu. It’s not unusual for me to do this on a Thursday night. It’s when the class is. I say I did Kung Fu, the instructor may disagree with my assertion that what I did last night was Kung Fu. He may, in fact, suggest that what I was doing…
Nee Naw
Sometimes I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything. It’s not depression or anything like that. It’s just hard to inspire yourself when you’ve already achieved everything you ever wanted to… Well maybe not everything, I still have ambitions, but anything that happens from now on will always pale into insignificance now that…
The Puddle Polemic
Although I can drive, I tend, for the most part, to be a pedestrian. Currently I can walk to work and l live close to most of the amenities I need. I like walking places. It gives me an opportunity to reflect on the world around me and on life in general. Plus it’s good…
Superfluous Spice
My other half occasionally claims to be a vegetarian. She knows that she isn’t really, she’s actually a pescetarian but people find it easier to understand vegetarian. For some reason it’s more difficult to accept someone not eating meat if the person in question is perfectly happy to eat fish. Not that my beloved explains her motivations particularly…
The Goblet of Football
This post is about football, so it would be remiss not mention yesterday’s Fifa election, which Sepp Blatter, won, essentially unopposed. Again. This despite much public outcry and allegations of corruption. This is the world governing body of a sport is it not? Because it felt a bit like he had held onto power in…
Parlons de la Voiture
I drive a 2007 silver Ford Ka. It is not the coolest car in the world. Still I quite like it. I live in Reading after all, a town that is perennially beset with traffic problems, so even if I owned a Ferrari, I’d be stuck in the same slow-moving one-way system. Plus I couldn’t…
Of Retail and Robins
The walk to my local supermarket is eminently pleasant. It’s a twenty minute stroll through charming green parkland, alongside a canal, complete with lock and canal boats, and at one point a dramatic river crossing, which incorporates a stunning vista of the Thames in all its glory. It makes me feel a little guilty that…
Coffee-Counter Culture
I’ve always been more of a coffee drinker than a tea drinker, which perhaps defies the British stereotype. It’s not uncommon though, and truthfully I’m not anti-tea or anything; I like tea too, I just prefer coffee. I’ve drunk coffee for as long as I can recall; certainly my habit began in primary school. If…
Eggcellent Electricals (would egglectricals be stretching the pun too far?)
No-one enjoys a bit of washboard percussion more than I. But apparently the washboard wasn’t created as a musical instrument. It’s actually, believe it or not, a device for doing laundry, but the invention of the washing machine has rendered it all but redundant in this capacity. The world is full of such labour-saving devices.…
Buffet Bliss
If you ask me what my favourite food is, on any given day I would probably give you a different answer. It’s really down to what mood I’m in at that particular moment. I’m not really that discerning. The French would definitely not describe me as a gourmet (dictionary definition – a person who cultivates…
Angry Artists
There’s this belief that anger and adversity produces the best art. I’m not certain who actually believes it, but it does seem to be a truism of sorts that is rarely challenged. I have never achieved success in any of the arts apart from coming second in a short story competition of some repute when…
Sunday Sorrows
When the Antique Roadshow theme song blasts out of my television I feel sick to my stomach. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against the programme. I don’t actually watch it with any regularity but if I do, it’s because I’m procrastinating in front of the television rather than doing something more useful. But…
Breakfast Is Brilliant
It’s always good to throw in an Oscar Wilde quote, as evidence of one’s own wit. It’s a strange vicarious thrill. I’m quoting Oscar Wilde, therefore I’m equally as droll as the celebrated 19th century playwright. On that basis, and to prove my own wittiness, I shall quote him now. “Only dull people are brilliant…
Jammy James
Once again I find myself to be the last person in the building as my colleagues have all departed for the day. Much paperwork to catch up on, and emails to reply to, have delayed my escape. The pain has been somewhat eased, however, upon inspection of the old ‘Celebrations’ tub from Christmas, that sits…
Mistaken Machine
About to leave work at the end of a frankly mental day, my foot was half out of the door when I heard the phone ring in the office. As the last person in the building, I could have chosen to ignore the call and let the machine get it, but I decided to do…
Darth by Chocolate
I love Star Wars. The Empire Strikes Back is probably my favourite film of all time, but I basically love all of the films, even though I am fully aware that the ‘prequel’ trilogy, particularly ‘The Phantom Menace’ are objectively quite bad. I also love Star Wars Merchandise. I had loads of toys when I…
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