Last night’s meal was lovely It went down very well But sad to say it’s left behind A less than pleasant smell
Category: Humour
James Complains About The Etiquette Of Waving When On A Boat
I often go on river cruises when I’m on holiday. I’ve been on river cruises in Paris (I technically lived in Paris at the time but so many years have passed that now it feels like it was just a really long holiday…) Amsterdam, Vienna, Boston (as in Boston – Massachusetts rather than Boston – Lincolnshire,…
The Deadline
Rufus could barely keep his eyes open, but unhealthy levels of caffeine and sugar were just about preventing him from falling asleep at his desk. He took another gulp of his coffee. It was cold. Did he have time to make another? He looked at the screen. He felt like he had been staring at…
James Reviews Sudoku Themed Toilet Paper
What do you get the man who has everything? Probably not Sudoku Loo Roll. He’ll already have some if he’s got everything and no-one needs two rolls of Sudoku themed toilet paper. But if you’re trying to buy a gift for the man who never really wants anything, then Sudoku Loo Roll could well be…
The votes are in!
Last week I decided to peer review my tagline. It was quite an exciting day in blogging terms. I created a poll and invited the world at large to choose between my existing tagline and two new ones.
No Wind In The Willows
Badger went to call on Fox But Fox had gone to buy some socks Then Badger went to look for Mole But could not find that noble soul
James Complains About The Complexity Of Soup
Today’s diatribe is, as ever, about something trivial and unimportant that doesn’t really have any relevance to my daily existence. Nonetheless, it did dominate my thoughts for a whole thirty minutes or so earlier this week.
The Pre-Audition
Chantelle knew she had what it took to be a pop star. It was, as she explained to the young producer, indeed as she’d explained to anyone who would listen to her, a lifelong dream. Whether at nineteen years of age it was yet possible for Chantelle to have a ‘lifelong dream’ was perhaps a…
James Reviews a 16kg kettlebell
If like me, you have a track record of buying home fitness equipment and not really using it, then this 16kg kettlebell is just what you’ve been looking for. Unlike that enormous weights bench, which sat in your parents’ garage long after you left home, this kettlebell is relatively easy to transport. A cautionary note,…
‘James Proclaims’ Needs You!
Hello dear readers! There has been talk of late about the tagline of this blog. Most of this talk has come from me. It’s of little interest to the vast majority of people. Nonetheless, the ‘catchiness’ of the tagline has been brought into question. The current tagline is: ‘The irreverent and irrelevant ramblings of a…
A Really Boring Poem
I’m often hungry When I’m bored And I’m often bored It’s said that Only boring people Get bored
More About Me
In a controversial move, I’ve decided to redo Blogging 101 – the online blogging course run by WordPress. If you’re a longstanding reader (if you can be a longstanding reader of a blog which is still less than three months old), you’ll know that I did Blogging 101 in June. You’ll know because I wrote…
James Complains About the Most Comfortable Shorts In The World!
It’s a lovely Sunday afternoon as I write this. The sun is shining , the birds are quite possibly singing (I can’t hear any but it would seem churlish to rule out the possibility), and all seems right with the world. Which makes it really difficult to right a feature called ‘James Complains’.
La Fontaine
Pete looked incredulously at the winged serpenty-lions gushing water into the fountain. According to his online guide, they were supposed to be dragons. But the heads were definitely lions. And the bodies were snakes. What do you get when you cross a lion and a snake? Not a bloody dragon that’s for sure. He was…
James Reviews The Tesco Hudl Replacment Charge Board Port Socket Micro USB Port
If, like me, you realised about a year ago that this whole ‘iPad’ malarkey wasn’t just a fad and that maybe technology was starting to get away from you, then you too may have rushed in a mild state of panic, to your nearest Tesco, in order to rectify the situation. Obviously not to buy…
How To Tell A Story
It’s probably best When reflecting on the past Not to focus too much On what actually happened
James Complains About Monkey Monkey Monkey
You’d never know it to look at me but I’m reasonably fit. Not athletic you understand. I have no actual ability when it comes to sport, but when it comes to taking part there are few people as gifted as me at ‘making up the numbers’. I’m even a member of a local gym. Sometimes…
Alice Accepts Her Fate
“You’ve got to live life to the full,” Pete declared, through mouthfuls of chicken and leek pie, “you could get hit by a bus tomorrow and kablam! Then it’s all over before you even realise what’s happened!” Alice knew her brother meant well, though he could have chosen a better example to support his argument. The…
James Reviews – Fifty plastic money bags
Do you get really stressed when you’re at the checkout, and always pay with a note, even when you’ve got the exact change in your pocket? Then these plastic money bags are absolutely essential! Because inevitably you’re going to have lots of loose change lying around. And that can be annoying.
A Little Less Perspiration
Oh empty deodorant can Why do you sit there On my bathroom shelf Mocking me with your emptiness? I should have thrown you out Several days ago When first you stopped providing me With forty-eight hour protection
James Complains – About An Unplanned Nap
No-one loves an afternoon nap more than me. It’s a fundamental part of the working day as far as I am concerned… I jest, of course- I’m a teacher, if I were to fall asleep at work I’d no doubt wake up with a very different hairstyle, a creatively drawn moustache and, in the same…
All Hail King Bromfell
Bromfell saw the village in the distance. It was a welcome sight. He had ridden for many hours and both he and his beloved horse, Alcris, were tired. He patted the stallion’s neck. “Not far now old friend,” he said, “soon we shall find respite.” The smell of freshly harvested hops served as an extra…
James Reviews – A Jedi Themed Dressing Gown
This dressing gown is a must have. When you’ve had a tough day fighting Sith lords and Stormtroopers, there’s nothing better than kicking back and relaxing in one of these luxurious robes. Equally if the force isn’t quite as strong with you, or you’re now in your mid-thirties and therefore ‘too old to begin the…
Summer Wardrobe Essentials
Early one morning On a high street like any other Before the retail giants had even begun to yawn I saw a man asleep in a doorway In the window of that same establishment A well-known clothing outlet Written in garish pink, were the words ‘Summer Wardrobe Essentials’
James Complains About People He Doesn’t Like
I think I’m often misrepresented as someone who doesn’t really like other people. I’m overly sarcastic and it’s been suggested more than once that I don’t suffer fools gladly. I suppose that’s true, I don’t ‘suffer’ anything gladly. Who suffers gladly? But I’ve got nothing against fools who don’t make me suffer. In actual fact…
Making Merry
“Ok Bazza, it’s your round!” Barry looked at the three-quarters-full pint of warmish lager in front of him. “I don’t really want another drink to be honest,” he replied. “But it’s your round!” Toby remonstrated, aghast at his friend’s poor comprehension of pub etiquette. Barry took a sip of his tepid pilsner, and felt the…
James Reviews – The Oxford Paperback Italian Dictionary, 1997 edition
If you are a student of the Italian Language in the late nineties then this dictionary is a ‘must have’. If you’re an Italian speaker who is trying to improve your knowledge of the English language circa 1998, then it may also prove useful. The cover boldly claims that it’s ‘The biggest paperback dictionary of…
More Haste, Less Speed
Welcome back to my regular Monday feature where I publish something that looks like it might be a poem but on closer inspection may not be a poem. Is this a poem? You decide… More Haste, Less Speed “More haste, less speed!” Said the Rabbit This was an odd thing for a rabbit to say,
James Complains – About A Sore Throat
Before I begin this particular diatribe, I need to point out that this is part of the, now regular, ‘James Complains’ feature of this blog, so even though I’m not really that ill and I’m bearing up quite well, this feature is very much focused on my ability to whinge about things that don’t really…
Some people will think this post is clever, but it isn’t clever at all…
Today is looking dangerously like the first day in a while when I won’t update this blog. I’ve been blogging consistently for days on end now. I haven’t yet let something like ‘having nothing to write about’ get in my way. I’ve hit a few milestones along the way. On the 21st June I completed…
Robbie Wants A Rocket
The familiar melody was growing louder. Robbie was excited. So often he was forced to listen to those chimes come and go, leaving him with nothing more than a bitter taste of disappointment. “We’ve got ice-lollies in the freezer,” his mum would say. Robbie always protested. The ice-cream van sold rocket lollies…
James Proclaims! 