This is Freddie.
Freddie was a frog.
I refer to Freddie in the past tense because he is no longer with us.
He wasn’t a real frog, obviously. Freddie was made of marzipan.
Mrs Proclaims likes marzipan. When I saw Freddie and all his confectionary friends in a patisserie in France, a few years ago, I resolved to buy the little almondy amphibian as a small romantic gesture.
I handed Mrs Proclaims the little white paper bag and she was genuinely quite excited, having spotted the little marzipan miniatures herself when we were in the shop.
Alas upon opening the bag we were both a little disappointed with what we found.
The shop assistant had apparently managed to behead poor Freddie while wrapping him up and though we had all the constituent parts of Freddie, I had intended to purchase and present him to Mrs Proclaims in one piece.
We attempted to put poor Freddie together again, but, much like when the king’s horses and men club together to repair anthropomorphic eggs, we were unable to complete the task.
In the photo above, Freddie’s head is balanced precariously on his torso, but it is not really attached properly.
With our best attempts at frog repair being inadequate, we took the only sensible course of action left to us.
We ate him and he was delicious.
I like to think it’s what Freddie would have wanted us to do.