As Per Our Policy…

There has to be a policy
For people to be able to adhere to the policy
But it’s a theoretical exercise
And no-one reads the policy
So no-one adheres to the policy
But it’s important that they could if they wanted to
For some reason

Frankly it’s annoying when anyone actually does read the policy
And then points out all the ways that people aren’t adhering to the policy
Because that was never really the point of the policy
And no-one likes the person who points out
When people aren’t sticking to the rules
As laid out in the policy
So, don’t be that person

Just let people do what they want
Regardless of the policy
Because the policy is only there
So that we all know there is a policy
And can confidently claim that
The policy does exist
If anyone ever asks
But no-one ever will

Even the person who wrote the policy
Doesn’t know what it says
Because they just copied and pasted
A different policy
Which in turn was copied and pasted
From another policy
And so it goes
Although presumably there was once a policy
That was written by someone who actually thought about it
But that has never been confirmed
And it may just be a legend

In any case
You don’t need to adhere to the policy
And you don’t need to actually read the policy
But we would appreciate it nonetheless
If you would just sign this form claiming that you have
Read and understood
The policy
As that is our policy on all policies

  23 comments for “As Per Our Policy…

  1. June 3, 2020 at 11:01 am

    And no-one reads the policy

    As someone who maintains policy documents for a living, I can vouch for that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 3, 2020 at 11:28 am

      This may have been inspired by my own efforts to update a policy document this week…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. June 3, 2020 at 11:33 am

    Can I have that in triplicate ASAP, as per…

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 3, 2020 at 11:39 am

      We’re going paperless. It’s all in the policy.


  3. June 3, 2020 at 11:47 am

    I’m sorry that I cannot comment on this matter until you have agreed to our terms and conditions that you will find on pages 2 – 71 of the attached document. May I remind you that your business is very important to us and we will strive to ensure that we always treat you with respect you deserve no matter how much of a pain in the arse you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 3, 2020 at 12:15 pm

      Could you send the attachment again?

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 3, 2020 at 1:59 pm

        Of course. First you will need to prove your identity by providing copies of your last 3 letters to your stock broker, an original of the Magna Carta, and a letter excusing you from PE.

        Liked by 1 person

      • June 3, 2020 at 2:58 pm

        The last one might be quite hard to procure

        Liked by 1 person

      • June 3, 2020 at 3:02 pm

        A forged one may be acceptable! You managed it before.

        Liked by 1 person

      • June 3, 2020 at 3:11 pm

        Oh, I’ve got plenty of those…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. June 3, 2020 at 12:27 pm

    My policy is not to comment on policy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 3, 2020 at 12:54 pm

      A sensible policy


  5. Jay
    June 3, 2020 at 5:23 pm

    Is it really a policy if it isn’t either laminated, or posted above a trash can?

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 3, 2020 at 6:36 pm

      Only the very best policies get to experience the highs of lamination and trash can status. They need to meet the key criteria of:
      a) referencing out of date legislation
      b) containing several quite obvious spelling mistakes
      c) naming a minimum of one, but preferably three key staff who retired in 1987


  6. June 3, 2020 at 8:41 pm

    Thoroughly researched and succinctly put. I have a one penny insurance policy – does that count? Otherwise I will write to Parky and ask for my no-quibble Parker pen (Subject to T&C’s) and the opportunity to have a funeral that will outshine my life. Thank you for your heretofore undermentioned impartial advice (not necessarily the opinion of the author) in not more than your own words.


  7. June 3, 2020 at 11:02 pm

    Omg. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 4, 2020 at 9:03 am

      I assume that you’re happy to abide by the policy then?

      Liked by 1 person

  8. June 4, 2020 at 9:59 pm

    I have had to deal with a couple of internal policies within an organization in the past, to update them, only to soothe our minds that they are still right although we all know that no one will read them thoroughly until a problem arises! Great poem, sir! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 4, 2020 at 10:49 pm

      Thanks it came from the heart, which clearly you understand as you have experienced the same pain yourself…

      Liked by 1 person

  9. June 8, 2020 at 9:41 am

    James, is there any chance we actually work for the same employer and never noticed?

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 8, 2020 at 10:24 am

      I fear that all employers are the same few people but with different faces.

      Liked by 1 person

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