Forlornly Fatigued

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Sometimes when I feel tired
I’m not really that nice
And it’s better to avoid me
Or make interactions more concise

I don’t mean to be so grumpy
Like a bear with a sore head
But I’m not very good at coping
When I spend too little time in bed

I’ll be much better tomorrow
When I’ve had a chance to rest
But today will be a challenge
And I won’t be at my best

So I wouldn’t bother trying
To engage with me today
I’ll be morose and sulky
If I cannot get my way

Better just to ignore me
And pretend that I’m not here
I might be a little joyless
But there’s nothing much to fear

Although it might help a little
If you want to cheer me up
To give me lots of chocolate
And pour some coffee in my cup

Domestic Drudgery

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Oh carpet on the floor
What’s with all the crumbs?
I vacuumed only last week
From where did they all come?

I’m sure that I just ironed
All those crumpled shirts
That they need another pressing
Rather disconcerts

Those dirty plates and cups
Are back sitting in the sink
But I only washed them yesterday
I don’t know what to think

Those walls now look quite shabby
But they were fine not long ago
Is there any point in painting them?
Would it all just be for show?

There really is too much to do
And none of it is fun
And as soon as I have finished
It all needs to be redone

Better not to start at all
And leave things in a mess
I’d rather live in squalor
It brings so much less stress

Where Did All The Chocolate Go?

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Where did all the chocolate go?
I had so much last week
But now I cannot find it
No matter where I seek?

It seems strange that it is gone
There was a plentiful supply
But it’s nowhere to be seen
And I really don’t know why

Ok I did eat some of it
Back on Easter Sunday
And I consumed a little more
During Bank Holiday Monday

And yes I might have had some
On Tuesday after lunch
And a delightful bit of Easter Egg
On Wednesday I did munch

But on Thursday there was plenty left
I know because I had some
And though I tried hard to abstain
On Friday I did succumb

But I hadn’t finished all of it
As Saturday was dawning
So I might have had a smidgen
To see me through the morning

But now it seems to have all gone
What has become of it?
And here’s another mystery
My trousers don’t now fit!

My Poem Is Better Than Yours

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It might seem disrespectful
To compare poems that we wrote
But in a poetry competition
Mine would get my vote

I’m not saying yours is bad,
I’m sure it is just fine
But alas it isn’t really
Quite as good as mine

No, I don’t think as a poet
You can compete with me
But I will try to teach you
To improve your poetry

No more soporific sonnets
Or repetitive refrains
Say goodbye to boring ballads
And quotidian quatrains

Metaphors are monsters
Holding back your verse
And as for snake-like similes
They are even worse

Alliterations are annoying
Personification looks askance
Bang goes onomatopoeia
Who can stand assonance?

You can enhance your work
By trying less hard to be smart
You don’t need all those tricks
Stop embellishing your art

Instead just keep things simple
And stick to this paradigm
It cannot be a poem
If it doesn’t even rhyme

Pedantically Proverbial

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Music has charms to soothe the savage beast
But it can annoy the neighbours at four in the morning
And even at other times of day
I’d imagine the savage beast
Is soothed by some genres more than others

The early bird catches the worm
Although in truth
So the late bird probably catches the worm too
There are plenty of worms to go around

He who laughs last, laughs longest
He’s really irritating in that regard
He takes ages to get the joke and then finds it disproportionately funny

Great minds think alike
Which is why everyone should agree
On everything
All of the time
Otherwise we might just keep on evolving
Like idiots

A bad penny always turns up
But as it’s still legal tender
That’s not necessarily a bad thing
Although these days, good or bad
You can’t buy much for a penny
Though a penny saved is a penny earned
Which, again, will have little impact on your finances in the short term

A watched pot never boils
Except for when it does
Eventually boil

Early to bed and early to rise
Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise
Although there is no medical, economical or scholastic evidence
On which to base this assertion
And when that idiot next door
Keeps trying to soothe the savage beast
An early night does seem futile

Thank You For Calling

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Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
All of our operatives are currently busy
However your call is important to us and will be answered shortly
Here is some prog rock
To keep you entertained while you wait

If you’d rather not wait, you could just check
The frequently asked questions bit on our website
Although chances are, the question you want to ask
Isn’t listed in the frequently asked questions

Actually, I expect you already checked the website
Most people probably do that before calling
Because who wants to wait 17 minutes for one of our operatives to be free
When you can just check online in a few seconds?
So actually, we’re being more than a little patronising
By suggesting that you check the website
But then some people who call us are a bit stupid
We’re not saying you’re stupid
But we do need to pitch this message
To the lowest common denominator
Here is some pan pipe music
To keep you entertained while you wait

Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
All of our operatives are still busy
They’re surprisingly busy people
It’s almost as if we don’t provide a particularly good service to our customers
When you consider the volume of calls we get each day
It’s highly unlikely that those calls are from people who want to congratulate us
On our excellent standards
It’s far more likely that these are calls from people who want to voice concerns
So you’d imagine that the least we would do is employ enough operatives
To answer the calls promptly and efficiently
Nonetheless your call is important to us
No really it is
And it will be answered shortly
Probably in no more than 22 minutes
Here are some power ballads
To keep you entertained while you wait

Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
If your call is because you want to purchase a new product
And give us more of your money
Then please press 1 and we’ll probably answer quite quickly
If your call is to do with an existing product
Then press 2 and it’ll take us a bit longer to answer
But we’ll still try and squeeze some more money out of you
It’s called up-selling and if you’re particularly vulnerable
We’ll up-sell you products you could never possibly need
And definitely can’t afford
However, if you’re too smart to fall for our attempts to get more cash out of you
Then press 3 and we’ll make you wait even longer
Because we’re really not that interested in speaking to you
And if none of those options appeal,
Then continue to hold and eventually someone might speak to you
But it’s highly unlikely they’ll be able to help
They might transfer you to another department though
And they won’t be able to help either
Eventually, after we’ve transferred you enough times
We’re hoping you’ll give up and go away
But your call is important to us
And we’ll probably answer it in around 35 minutes
Here is some smooth jazz
To keep you entertained while you wait

Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages
We can’t believe you’re still here
Clearly we’re never going to answer your call
All of our operatives are busy
Stop wasting their time
They’ve got better things to do than speak to you
What’s your problem anyway?
Your call is of no importance to us
Our operatives aren’t even really busy
In fact there aren’t any operatives
We made them up
No-one has ever called our bluff and stuck it out this long before
Still if you’re really determined to speak to someone
A robot might possibly answer your call in 48 minutes or so
Here are some dubious cover versions of popular songs
To keep you entertained while you wait

Snow Regrets

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Where did all the snow go?
There was so much last week
But now the temperature has risen
And the weather is less bleak

I don’t know if it’s better
Now that weather is more bland
I think I quite enjoyed
The winter wonderland

It might have been too cold
And hard to get around
But there is something quite fun
About snow upon the ground

No snowmen did I make
And no snowballs did I throw
But thanks to inclemency
Into work I didn’t go

And now we’re back to normal
Which is probably for the best
But I really did enjoy
My extra day of rest.

Frustratingly Fatigued

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Feeling tired is fine at night
And much less helpful now
But when the time to sleep was right
My mind would not allow

Unconsciousness to find me
So in bed I lay alert
I couldn’t get my brain to see
That insomnia would hurt

Any chance of a productive day
So my work I can’t complete
Because I simply cannot find a way
To stay focussed and upbeat

Though coffee helped it didn’t cure
Overwhelming weariness
And so again I must endure
A day of heightened stress

And I really have a lot to do
So much I should achieve
As my tasks continue to accrue
I have no tricks up my sleeve

To help me stay on the right track
And I’m heading for mishap
So I think I’ll lie down on my back
And have a work-place nap

Ode To A Pod From A Coffee Snob

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What would life be without the pod
From which my coffee doth arrive?
Of all of the cons considered mod
It’s my favourite ogive
For without the pod how could I
Ensure my daily caffeine
Without effort and commitment
Of methods so slow they make me cry?
But I suppose they are still less obscene
Than granules freeze-dried and instant

A Sententious Sonnet

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How do I love thee, let me count the ways
Although perhaps counting is not for now
When I’m trying my best to express how
I feel about you today of all days
Maths is not a noted way to give praise
Quantity of sentiments won’t allow
Expressions of feelings of love to thou
Indeed, and I feel that I must paraphrase
Enumerating is not effective
When expressing affection and love
To the person who I claim to adore
A better solution might be to give
A more considered declaration of
Passion with which to build up our rapport