As I write this, it is Friday morning. I am at home, as has been the case for the last five weeks, because school is officially ‘out for summer’ and I work in a school. Not that I haven’t had a fair amount of paperwork to do in the ‘off season’ because I have. I…
Tag: toddler
Daddy, I Dropped A Wee On The Carpet
It’s Saturday morning as I write this and Chez Proclaims we are embarking on what is arguably the toughest challenge we have ever faced as a family. Little Proclaims is learning to use the potty. Given that she turned 3 a few weeks ago, we are actually rather late to this particular party. We did…
Of Bubbles And Bubbly
As I write this I am a little inebriated. I’m currently sitting in my garden on a Saturday afternoon drinking a bottle of pink sparkling wine, which does not appear to subscribe to such platitudinous labels as Champagne, Cava or Prosecco but is rather its own thing. Not that I could tell the difference between…
A Post About Bubbles
As I write this I am sitting in my garden enjoying what can only be described as a glorious Saturday morning. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the general tranquillity is punctuated only by the delighted sounds of Little Proclaims who is running around the garden making bubbles with a cheap plastic…
Little Proclaims Takes The Wheel
As I appear to still be plagued by writer’s block, I thought I’d let my two-year-old daughter, known to her fans as Little Proclaims, take responsibility for today’s post. Of course regular readers will be more familiar with her contributions to the art world, back when I used to post her drawings on this blog…
A Relatively Charming Post About Not Much At All
As I write this, it is 8:30 on Sunday morning, though it will be Monday by the time this reaches either of my regular readers. Thus far today I have completed a fairly taxing workout that mostly comprised of doing lots of press ups (to anyone from outside of the UK, the ‘press up’ is…
I Want To Help You Daddy
The other day I was giving Little Proclaims a bath. I say ‘giving her a bath’, but these days my main function is to get the water to the right temperature and then hover in the background while she plays with her plastic ducks. It’s certainly not an unpleasant part of the evening but I…
A Recent ‘Conversation’ Between Me And My Two-Year-Old Daughter
“Daddeee! My welleeee!” “Oh no, has your welly come off? Well I’m driving at the moment but I’ll put it back on for you when I can stop.” “Dadddeeeeee!!! My welleeee! My welleeee!” “I know sweetheart but I can’t stop the car at the moment.” “My welleeee! My welleeee! My welleeeeeee!” “I’m really sorry darling,…
A Cinquain About How Sundays Aren’t What They Used To Be For Some Reason
Sunday A day of rest Maybe breakfast in bed But if you live with a toddler Less so
A Tanka About The Perks Of Responsible Parenting
When my daughter asks For another chocolate I always say no Because like all good parents I’ve already scoffed the lot
Thinking Outside Of The Boxing Day
While I always like to write a Christmas Day post, I don’t always bother on Boxing Day. There are only so many times you can make jokes about festive pugilism after all. Still, I find myself with a few moments to kill today, as my daughter is enjoying her afternoon nap and my wife, who…
A Cinquain About How That Friday Feeling May Have Lost Some of It’s Shine In Recent Times
Friday Working week done Weekend begins at last Though perhaps not restful becauseToddler
Entr’acte
Welcome back to ‘Artist’s Corner’, the only bit of my blog where you can find the much-celebrated artwork of Little Proclaims, my two-year-old daughter. This is very much the final entry in the 2020 series, as all regular activities on my blog must cease next week in order for me to begin my usual festive…
A Thousand Words From Little Proclaims
Welcome back to ‘Artist’s Corner’, the bit of my blog that is currently devoted to the art-work of my two-year-old daughter. Last week saw the finale of ‘The September Sessions’, a nine-week extravaganza celebrating the art she produced on a weekend when she was a bit ill and I couldn’t take her our for fear…
The September Sessions – 9 of 9
Welcome to a very special ‘Artist’s Corner’. The ninth and final instalment of the seminal ‘September Sessions’, a series of drawings produced by my two-year-old daughter one weekend in September when she was a little bit under the weather and consequently not able to venture out in these germophobic times, for fear of inducing panic.…
The September Sessions – 8 of 9
Today is the 5th of November, which ordinarily mean it’s Guy Fawkes Night. This is because somebody called Guy Fawkes was quite bad at regicide, but to be fair to him, he was part of a bigger group of people who were all bad at regicide and he wasn’t even the ringleader. But for some…
A Post That Is Sort Of About Halloween
Today is Halloween. I don’t much care about Halloween most years, so it seems unlikely that I will that bothered about it this year. But the world is quite a scary place at the moment. I don’t know if that makes Halloween more or less worthwhile. We’ve basically been experiencing the apocalypse since the end…
The September Sessions – 7 of 9
We are, once again, at that time of the week when I post a picture produced by my daughter, with her washable felt tip pens, and make the bold claim that it is art. This particular bit of my blog has been going on for months but the last few weeks have been given over…
The September Sessions – 6 of 9
Hello art fans, it’s once again that time of the week when I try to pass off something my toddler drew with her washable felt-tip pens as actual art. Often people like to write critiques of said ‘art’ in the comments section. It’s basically the same joke every week and yet somehow it remains one…
The September Sessions – 5 of 9
Here we are, once again, at the bit of my blog that is devoted to the showcasing of ‘art’ produced by my two-year-old daughter. I assumed that this particular series would have petered out some time ago, but it appears to be still going strong and these posts are, seemingly, amongst my better received offerings,…
A Daddy Daughter Poem
The following is something that Little Proclaims and I came up with a few weeks ago. It’s more of a performance piece really. I’m not sure it translates to the page too well. But I’ve transcribed it anyway, because content is content. You’ll have to imagine the performance but if it helps, imagine the lines…
James Complains About A Man Buying Potatoes (But Not Specifically Because He Was Buying Potatoes)
It’s Sunday morning as I write this (though I think it will likely be Tuesday before I post it) and I am, to put it mildly, quite irritated. Possibly I’d go so far as to say I’m angry. And frankly my state of vexation is over something so petty that I should be able to…
A Poem About My Main Function As A Parent
I tell my child not to jump on the bed Instead she prefers to jump on my head She has the most adorable toes Though less endearing when kicking my nose But sometimes she does give my head a rest And chooses instead to jump on my chest My daughter is a little jumping bean…
The September Sessions – 3 of 9
In recent times I’ve been posting my two-year-old daughter’s artistic endeavours on my blog on a Thursday. But this week I’ve switched to Wednesday. This is partly because today is the last day of September and while I still have six more pieces from ‘The September Sessions’ (which, for the uninitiated, is a series of…
The September Sessions – 2 of 9
Hello and welcome back to ‘Artist’s Corner’, the bit of my blog that is currently paying tribute to the peerless artistic talents of my 2-year-old daughter. I say peerless, but in all honesty I’ve never seen any of the art that her peers produce. If indeed she has peers. Can you have peers when you’re…
The September Sessions – 1 of 9
Hello and welcome to a very special edition of ‘Artist’s Corner’. You join me as I witness the creation of a masterpiece. Little Proclaims has permitted me to observe as she puts together the finishing touches to the ‘September Sessions’, a project that she began in earnest last week while feeling slightly unwell. Although she…
A Haiku About The Morning After Feeling Without The Fun Of The Night Before
I drink less beer now But my toddler ensures that Hangovers endure
Let’s Chalk It Up
Hello and welcome to Artist’s Corner. Regular readers will know that, of late, this has been the bit of my blog on which I have been posting the various artistic endeavours of my two-year-old daughter. And while she continues to enjoy putting washable felt-tip pen to paper, I’m not currently at home as much as…
My Toddler Still Thinks I’m An Idiot
Back in June I wrote a post called My Toddler Thinks I’m An Idiot. Essentially I recounted how my wife and I were attempting to bring our daughter up to be bilingual in French and English. We were always quietly confident about the English bit of that particular ambition, what with English being our first language…
Pink
Hello and welcome to another Artist’s Corner, the bit of my blog that I’m currently loaning out to my two-year-old daughter so that she has a forum in which to share her artistic endeavors. Ever the innovator, this week she has moved from white A4 paper to expressing herself on pink A4 paper. As always,…
Happy Hour Is Over
The laugh of a childA charming sound but betterDuring daylight hours
James Proclaims! 