Daddy, I Dropped A Wee On The Carpet

James Proclaims (4)

It’s Saturday morning as I write this and Chez Proclaims we are embarking on what is arguably the toughest challenge we have ever faced as a family. Little Proclaims is learning to use the potty. Given that she turned 3 a few weeks ago, we are actually rather late to this particular party. We did start thinking about this rite of passage over a year ago, but, being first-time parents, Mrs Proclaims and I were rather in the dark as to how you persuade a two-year old to stop wearing nappies. At that point in her development, we were still very much trying to work out how to get her to eat vegetables. A year on and Little Proclaims appears to have solved that problem for us by seemingly enjoying (some) vegetables (in which regard she’s developmentally some way ahead of her father), but she’s been less inclined to solve the potty issue for us.

In some ways I blame the health visitor. I’m not sure how it works in other countries, but in the UK, if you decide to procreate, you get the benefit of additional support for the first two years of your child’s life. This comes in the guise of increasingly irregular visits from someone called a health visitor. They seem to be perfectly nice people, but unless you’re displaying the kind of parenting skills which suggest you might actually be a danger to your child, they really don’t offer much support and essentially the visits appear to be a box-ticking exercise to ensure that you aren’t a complete idiot. It’s very much a pass/fail system – you don’t get awarded extra points for outstanding parenting, so as long as you display an adequate level of competency then you eventually get signed off and left to your own devices. On our last visit, approximately a year ago, we expressed concerns about potty training and were quite clearly told that “there’s no rush”. So we promptly forgot all about it, making a vague agreement that we’d definitely get on the case this summer if we hadn’t already succeeded.

Roll on a year, and although the potty was purchased some time ago, (to Little Proclaims’ delight it has to be said) it has never really been used. Well it has, but not for any of the right reasons. Indeed, in preparation for today, we have been watching some potty training clips on You Tube with Little Proclaims and one charming cartoon about Princess Polly explains all the things a potty is not. And it is not any of the following:

  • A funny hat
  • A toy boat
  • A very useful storage box

Sadly Little Proclaims has used her potty for all of the above over the last few months. And not at all as a receptacle for…ahem…wees and poos.

The aforementioned cartoon also explains that occassionally there will be accidents but that’s ok as long as Princess Polly is trying her best. I’m not sure Little Proclaims took all she could out of the cartoon, because she told me shortly after watching it that Princess Polly had a funny hat and made a funny mess on the floor.

Another cartoon we’ve been watching involves various clips of an anthropomorphic tiger using the potty and singing about it. It’s all fairly insipid stuff but Little Proclaims loves it and has labelled the video The Tiger Who Came to Wee, which is a rather inspired pun on the much beloved children’s story by Judith Kerr, The Tiger Who Came To Tea. I am actually jealous of Little Proclaims – I feel I should have come up with that pun myself and it is very much to my chagrin that the cleverest thing in this post was written by my three-year-old daughter.

Anyway, having utterly failed to ever get around to properly teaching Little Proclaims to use the potty gradually and over time, and conscious that at the age of 3 she really should be making some sort of progress in this area, we’ve decided to adopt the ‘3-day intensive’ method, for which instructional videos are freely available on the interweb. From what I can tell, this is a 3-day process, whereby you use a combination of bullying and bribery to get your offspring to comply in as short a time a possible. Given that, thanks to my profession as an educator of children (who don’t, for the most part, require toilet training) I am currently still off work for a few more days, now seems like an opportune time to fully invest in the process.

We’re only a few hours into day 1 and it’s been an emotionally draining experience for all concerned.

Currently the score is:

  • Wees in the potty – 1
  • Wees on the carpet – 2

It’s going to be a long 3 days.

Little Proclaims has come up with some winning lines along the way though – one of which is the title of this post.

My favourite, as of five minute ago though is – “Daddy, can you do it for me?”

Would that I could, but alas I fear that skill is beyond me.

  20 comments for “Daddy, I Dropped A Wee On The Carpet

  1. August 23, 2021 at 5:26 am

    Ah…The Human Adventure continues. No, Princess Proclaims, Daddy can’t do this for you. I wish I could offer you some advice but after 4 kids and almost 8 grandkids the only thing I really know is that they are all different, every last one of them. You probably have some followers who could offer helpful tips, but I’m afraid it’s not me.

    Good luck. Stiff upper lip and all that.

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 23, 2021 at 8:06 am

      The bribery seems to be working – still a long way to go but material rewards appear to be quite a motivational tool for Little Proclaims. And to be fair, I can stretch to as many dinosaur stickers as it takes.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. August 23, 2021 at 7:04 am

    Dabbing away a sprinkle, a tinkle or two is better far easier dealt with than cleaning up the complete pile. Carpet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 23, 2021 at 8:07 am

      The carpet will survive but it was quite hearbreaking when, in the space of an hour, she rendered two thirds of a 3-seater sofa unusable for the rest of the day.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. August 23, 2021 at 8:30 am

    I remember when my kids went through potty training. We had a book in which an anthropomorphic mouse visited various anthropomorphic friends and demanded to see what was in their nappies. It was a fold-out book, so we could lift the flaps to see what a goat poo looked like… and a dog poo… and a pig poo… I’m still traumatised by the experience.

    The book ends with everyone wanting to look in Mouse’s nappy, which was clean…. Because Mouse used the potty.

    Liked by 3 people

    • August 23, 2021 at 10:53 am

      Mouse sounds like a bit of a show-off. And I would be traumatised by that book too.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. August 23, 2021 at 8:56 am

    I don’t know why you both don’t just go back to work and let the Nanny worry about the potty training. Seems to be an easier solution. Or take it back now and get a more advanced model that’s already trained.

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 23, 2021 at 10:56 am

      Call me sentimental, but I’m strangely attached to this model, despite the obvious faults. Great idea about Nanny, but sadly we had to part company with her on the grounds that she expected to be paid. And didn’t think that ‘sleeping on the sofa’ was appropriate accomodation. You just can’t get the help these days.

      Liked by 2 people

      • August 23, 2021 at 2:17 pm

        Ah, well if there’s somebody already in the guest wing then I guess it can’t be helped.

        Oh well, soon be time for boarding school. That always turns out well adjusted youngsters who go on to be hugely successful.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. August 23, 2021 at 10:42 am

    This issue could be seen an exercise in deferred gratification when your roles become reversed when you are in your dotage.
    In the meantime you have plenty of time to come up with some great one-liners.
    As the other proclaimers might say, it’s just a wee wee problem laddie.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 23, 2021 at 10:57 am

      After the last two days I’d say I’ve got considerable credit in the bank for my dotage.


  6. August 23, 2021 at 12:48 pm

    Good luck! I do hope we soon get a post about mission accomplished. It’s too bad nannies are such princesses.

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 23, 2021 at 1:58 pm

      Well we’re at the halfway point of the final day and things appear to be going well. We’ve just had a landmark moment that has simultaneously caused me pride and nausea…

      Liked by 2 people

  7. August 23, 2021 at 3:28 pm


    Liked by 1 person

  8. August 28, 2021 at 9:40 pm

    My daughter was very hard to potty train. She would get so involved in what she was doing that we couldn’t figure out how to get her to use it when she needed to instead of waiting until it was too late. All the candy and stickers in the world didn’t help. We finally resorted to a tally system where, after several successful potty uses, she would get a coveted toy. The things we do for pees and poos!


  9. August 29, 2021 at 4:24 pm

    There’s no need for panic In eighteen years or so she’ll be out of the house and then someone else’s problem. So have another beer and blame it on the dog
    Laugh often!


Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: