James Proclaims!

It is February half term in the UK, and being an employee of an institution that allegedly provides education to young people, I have the week off work.

In theory at least.

In actual fact I have a backlog of paperwork that is, in some cases, embarrassingly overdue, and I really should spend this week catching up on it.

I won’t be doing that however, because I am also a father of two young children. The mother of said children is working towards a PhD and generally views school holidays (and weekends) as times when she can offload all parenting responsibility on to me and get on with studying the works of a long dead French writer so that one day she can correct people who greet her as ‘Mrs Proclaims’ by explaining that “it’s doctor actually’.

I’m sure she has other reasons for pursuing her studies but if I ever decide to try my hand at a similar endeavor, it will be solely for the title and associated smugness.

This morning, however, Soon-To-Be-Dr Proclaims did allow herself the luxury of spending a little time with us, and we went on a family trip to Henley-On-Thames. Henley is quite a nice place. It’s the sort of place we could only dream of being able to afford to live, but as we live in the slightly less desirable Reading (also on Thames albeit not in name), which is quite close to Henley, we often enjoy the sights and sounds of our upmarket neighbour without the associated costs of actually living there.

We usually go for breakfast in a pub, which is located in the centre of the town. It is part of a national chain of pubs known for their very reasonable prices. We mainly go there because it opens quite early in the morning, which tends to suit our purposes. We’re quite early risers Chez Proclaims. Not often out of choice, but early mornings have become something of a staple since Little Proclaims arrived in 2018. The appearance of Mini Proclaims in 2022 merely compounded the prompt start to most days.

Reasonable prices are always welcome though. As is the fact that the pub tends to attract the kind of clientele that don’t really mind loud children. Indeed it’s very much the kind of place that Mrs Proclaims and I avoided prior to becoming parents, when we had more disposable cash, and a judgemental attitude towards the kind of beleaguered mothers and fathers who couldn’t control their noisy offspring. The kind of people that we have subsequently become.

These days a trip to an inexpensive hostelry in a pleasant river-themed town is as good as it gets for the Proclaims family. The bottomless coffee, in particular, is very welcome and often quite necessary.

These little outings were quite common ventures when Little Proclaims was…erm…littler. But she is quite busy with activities most weekends nowadays, and I am equally busy as her chauffeur. So Henley tends to be somewhere we only visit during the school holidays. After breakfast has been consumed (or in some cases vociferously rejected by one or both children) we tend to wander along the river and make use of one of the large play parks that sits on the river bank, so that Little and Mini can expend as much energy as possible.

Today was no exception. Both girls ate their affordable breakfasts. Little Proclaims was delightful company. Mini Proclaims was not as enthusiastic about the venture, but a tag team effort between Mrs Proclaims and I sufficed to ensure she did not leave the pub hungry and we were able to contain her well enough to enjoy our own food.

All in all it was a pleasant morning.

It was rendered more so by a timely interjection on my part with Little Proclaims.

My eldest daughter is five and a long time alumna of the toilet training academy. But she can sometimes lack a little awareness that she needs to use the facilities until the situation has become quite desperate. So a little reminder before we head away from nearby water closets is often a good idea.

At the conclusion of breakfast, I asked her if she needed to use the toilet before we headed to the park. Her answer was very much in the negative. But I know my daughter. So I insisted she accompany me to the restroom.

We were gone for some time.

When we returned to find Mrs Proclaims entertaining Mini at our table with some crayons, Little Proclaims felt she should explain our extended absence.

“Mummy, I just did two huge poos,” she announced loudly to the whole establishment.

There was audible laughter from the other customers.

It’s that kind of place and that’s why we like it.