James Proclaims!

Good afternoon, dear reader. As I write this I am sitting in my garden, but in a break with recent tradition, I am using my laptop rather than my phone. This is a wholly preferable arrangement, but one that is often not possible due to my laptop being a touch unreliable.

It is not a new laptop. I purchased it in the first year of Little Proclaims’ existence, so in light of the fact that she has recently turned six, it is certainly over five years old. Prior to buying this, my main computer of choice was a desktop computer, which sat in, what was then, the spare room, a room that until that point, had acted as my de facto home office. The arrival of our first born meant that I eventually had to give up that room in order to provide a bedroom to Little Proclaims. This was not necessary from the day she was born, as it is customary for newborn babies to sleep in the same room as their parents and thus was the arrangement for our bundle of joy. Indeed, I’m sure I eked out that particular arrangement for quite a while and even when I did give up the room, we operated on a shared custody basis for a while – Little Proclaims sleeping in there and I occasionally still pretending that the room could function as a credible working/writing/messing around on the internet space for me at times. It could not and did not, and so I realised that a more mobile device was needed, particularly as, at that time, I was still in the process of completing my MA (a qualification that has yielded absolutely no career benefits since I completed it, but which does allow me to brag about the fact that I have an MA. Which was possibly why I did it in the first place. If I ever follow my other half into completing a doctorate, I will only do so to be able to use the phrase “it’s doctor actually…”) The desktop computer was relocated to the other room, the one Mrs Proclaims had claimed as her home office back when it was just us, and which remains her office to this day. We notionally do now share ownership of this space, but as she is completing a PhD and I am not, it really has mainly remained her space.

I do still have a desktop computer in that room and bizarrely chose to upgrade that device rather than the laptop a few years ago, when finances permitted such things. The new desktop remains as out of reach to me as the old one, although I think Mrs Proclaims does use it sometimes rather than her own laptop, because the desktop can play DVDs and she sometimes needs to watch adaptations of Balzac novels which are only available on DVD, because Netflix has not yet chosen to capitalise on the huge commercial demand for old adaptations of the more obscure works of 19^th century French novelists.

The laptop is therefore my tool of choice for writing, pretending to work, and wasting time reading lists about pop-culture. Most of the posts that appear on the blog were either composed on this laptop, or at the very least edited (for believe it or not I do attempt some kind of editing before I hit publish). My recent reliance on my phone for composing first drafts stems predominantly from the fact that I tend to always have my phone on me when I’m in the garden with the kids, whereas to bring the laptop out would require some kind of act of intent to write on my part, rather than it being the act of spontaneity that most of my blog posts tend to be.

However, the age of my laptop is also a factor. Five years is quite a good innings for a computer. I did sort of future proof the machine by buying a relatively high spec one in the first place (not very high spec, but mid-range rather than bottom-of-the range) but even so, age catches up on all things and computers more than most. The main issues with this device are minimal but the screen is not really designed with outdoor working in mind, so I am only intermittently able to read what I am writing at present (some people may regard that as a blessing of course). More of an issue though is that the portability is severely compromised by the fact that the battery lasts about ten minutes when the laptop is not plugged into the mains. Less than ideal for garden-based blogging and a problem I’m currently resolving by using the orange extension lead that I normally use for the lawnmower. It’s not the best idea to have a trailing lead in a place where children run around (children running around is not limited to the garden at Proclaims Towers, but it is the only part of our home where it is actively encouraged). Fortunately, this is not currently a problem because Mini Proclaims is napping and Little Proclaims is inside. Little Proclaims was outside when I started writing. Indeed, it was her idea to be outside because she was ‘bored’ inside. Even though I largely trust my eldest child to roam the garden without constant adult supervision, it was at her insistence that I came out to join her, because she was ‘lonely’. Not fifteen minutes after I had arrived, she decided that the garden was ‘boring’ and she went back inside. I expect I’ll find her watching TV when I go back in, despite my insistence that she should definitely not turn on the TV. I probably should have insisted that she remain outside, given that I had just spent ages setting up a load of outdoor stuff for her to play with, not least a tent, which I purchased under the illusion that it was simple to put up, only to discover that it was nothing of the sort. It’s even harder to take down than put up, so when Mini Proclaims wakes from her nap, both girls will be thrust back outside to enjoy some under canvas fun, whether they want to enjoy it or not.

I’ve just checked and Little Proclaims is not watching TV and is actually playing nicely with an educational toy. I feel bad for besmirching her name. But not too bad because she has still been contrary this afternoon and a little besmirching was deserved on some level.

Anyway, at present the trailing leads are not a danger to anyone. Except me. I trip over stuff all the time, even when I know it’s there, so creating a trip hazard for myself is less than optimal, especially when electricity is also a factor.

I’m not sure the poor battery on my laptop is entirely down to age. The computer has not really been the same since Mini Proclaims decided to hurl it on the floor around six months ago. I don’t know why she did this. Little Proclaims never did anything like that at the same age and never showed any signs that she would, so I probably became a little complacent about where I left my stuff, when my youngest child became mobile. Mini Proclaims is a far more destructive force and has taught me some valuable lessons about taking better care of my possessions. The laptop has never fully recovered though. It is, admittedly, in a much better state than I found it on that fateful day, when I truly feared the worst. I was able to get it repaired to a state of some functionality and in truth, when I’m indoors and it is plugged in, it works pretty well. Too well, in some ways, for me to consider replacing it. Particularly as I’m not entirely convinced that my youngest child is truly over her destructive phase. Although her preference these days is to hide things rather than to destroy them, so perhaps I’m being overly cautious.

Anyway, if there is a point to this post, and there very clearly is no point at all, it is perhaps to demonstrate the constraints to my blogging existence. That I post anything at all, under these circumstances, is a minor miracle and to have produced this many words, albeit words that have combined to produce something that is of no value, is perhaps quite laudable.

So, I’m going to give myself a pat on the back and go inside to wake up Mini the Destroyer, and bring her back outside with her sister. I shall remove the trailing wires in the process of course. And I’ll probably get myself a beer.