James Proclaims!

I’m sitting in my garden as I write this. Little Proclaims is entertaining herself with a Paw Patrol themed football and a plastic tennis racket. Actually, in the time it took to write that sentence she has switched to riding her bicycle. Our garden isn’t really big enough to ride a bike in but Little Proclaims can’t really ride a bike so it’s a fairly moot point. She still has stabilisers and it’s a slight source of shame for me that I haven’t managed to take her out on more suitable terrain to practice since she acquired her mermaid-themed velocipede. Then again that is partly because I’m too busy ferrying her around to her other commitments or working hard to keep a roof over her head. It is, admittedly, a leaky roof but I’m working on that (which is to say I’m working on getting a roofer to turn up and fix it, which is apparently quite hard to do. It hasn’t actually leaked since January anyway so I’m quietly confident someone will show up before the next ‘event’ but no-one seems to be in a hurry to take my money at present).

Since I started that last sentence, Mini Proclaims has woken from her nap and has been deposited in the garden by her mother who then exited the scene rapidly and left me with oversight of both of my offspring. Little Proclaims has given up on the bike and is now sitting in a small garden chair that I purchased for her a few years back. She’s mainly sitting in it to prevent Mini Proclaims from claiming it as her own after I commented that it seemed to be a more suitable size for my youngest child than her older sister. Mini Proclaims is not especially interested in the seat anyway and has instead appropriated Little Proclaims’ unicorn-themed cycle helmet which she is struggling to put on her head on account of some bunny ears that she’s already wearing. Mini Proclaims is rarely without her bunny ears. We have tried removing them on occasion but Mini Proclaims is fully committed to living up to all the cliches associated with ‘the terrible twos’ and so we mainly let her keep them on.

In order to write this while sitting in the garden I’m using my phone. I was sceptical about attempting this but, while it’s harder to type than if I were using a computer, the predictive text does make it less slow than I had anticipated. The technology appears to have moved on since the last time I attempted to write a blog post on my phone, or perhaps I have become slightly less incompetent at using it.

When I started writing this, I was drinking a beer. I like drinking beer in the garden. It’s more than likely psychosomatic but I genuinely believe beer tastes better when consumed outdoors. If push comes to shove though, I’m not entirely averse to an indoor beer if it’s the only option available. I’ve now finished my beer and I’m debating whether or not to have a second. On the one hand I’m supervising two small children so should probably remain fairly sober. On the other hand, I’m supervising two small children and I need all the help I can get to survive the ordeal.

Mini Proclaims has given up on attempting to don the helmet and has instead insisted that I wear it. I imagine I look ridiculous but I’d rather that than enter into conflict with her. She is genuinely terrifying! I think the beer debate has been settled. I’m going to make a quick pilgrimage to the fridge.

I’m back in the garden, cold beer in hand. I dared to remove the headgear and Mini Proclaims quickly admonished me, so it is perched uncomfortably on my head once more. She was particularly persuasive as she had acquired the plastic tennis racket that Little Proclaims had discarded earlier in this narrative and was wielding it menacingly.

My garden has seen better days in truth. I don’t possess especially green fingers and indeed my lawn is not at all green at present, lacking even its usual covering of weeds. I’ve spread some grass seeds in the hope of a renaissance but I’m not overly optimistic.  It’s been a cruel winter apparently and summer has been a long time coming.

It does seem to be here though and my daughters and I shall hopefully enjoy many more sunny weekends in our little oasis of soil and weeds.

This whole ‘blogging on my phone’ experiment seems to have worked too so hopefully I’ll be a little less absent from the blogosphere in the coming weeks, as I’m rarely able to access my laptop these days but my phone is never too far away. Although my posts are likely to be on the theme of  garden-based parenting for the most part.

And will almost certainly involve beer.