“It’s for charity though,” said Kevin. “I couldn’t care less,” said Toby, “I’m not bloody doing it.” “C’mon mate, don’t be such a curmudgeon.” said Dave. “I don’t think I’m being the slightest bit curmudgeonly,” protested Toby, “I’m just exercising my free will. I don’t want to do it. So I’m not going to do…
Month: March 2018
On Amplifie Également Le Malheur Et Le Bonheur, Nous Ne Sommes Jamais Ni Si Malheureux, Ni Si Heureux Qu’on Le Dit
“He’s reading Balzac, knocking back Prozac, it’s a helping hand that makes you feel wonderfully bland” The first I’d ever heard of Balzac was in the above song lyrics from the Britpop classic ‘Country House’ by Blur. I loved that song when it came out, but then I loved all things Britpop back in the…
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 11: The Silence Of The Lambs
Hannibal Lecter is arguably one of the most iconic screen characters of all time. There have been multiple incarnations of Thomas Harris’ man-eating serial killer over the years, both in movies and through a more recent TV series. The most notorious portrayal is without doubt that of Anthony Hopkins, and of his three outings, the…
My Poem Is Better Than Yours
It might seem disrespectful To compare poems that we wrote But in a poetry competition Mine would get my vote I’m not saying yours is bad, I’m sure it is just fine But alas it isn’t really Quite as good as mine No, I don’t think as a poet You can compete with me But…
James Explains The Art Of The Nap Amongst Other Things
Today represents a tragedy for fact-seekers everywhere, as this will be the last ‘James Explains’ for a while. I might bring it back in a few weeks or I might not. Only time will tell. There’s inevitably going to be something of a grieving process for some of you at this news. We’ll get through…
The Horror Of Horology
The clocks went forward yesterday. The downside of this is that we all have to get up an hour earlier. The upside is that it is now, horologically speaking, British Summer Time. Actually, by anyone’s definition, British Summer Time is not really much of an upside. No-one comes to Britain for the weather. Although the…
Magic Penguin And The Season Finale
Magic Penguin, Fat Giraffe, Mystic Mouse, Stupid Donkey, Ed The Ostrich, Happy Rhino, Anxious Bull, Mardy Puffin, Fast Gibbon, Mistaken Moose, and Wise Owl were enjoying a drink in the Shoe and Phone one afternoon. “Wow, there are a lot of us here today,” said Fat Giraffe. “Including some characters who don’t usually come into…
A Commuted Commute
There was a narrow window between the earliest time that Stan could legitimately leave work and the point at which navigating the evening traffic became unfeasible. He had got it down to a fine art in recent weeks, but his decision to field an unexpectedly long call that afternoon had somewhat scuppered his plans to…
There Are Books Of Which The Backs And Covers Are By Far The Best Parts
Today I’m taking the unusual step of honouring (through the medium of doodle) a literary figure whose works I am actually familiar with. Because even I have seen The Muppets’ Christmas Carol… I jest of course, I’ve read actual books by Charles Dickens. And watched their on-screen adaptations. My favourite one to read was A Tale…
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 11: The Specialist
I saw 1994’s The Specialist in the cinema when it came out. Until recently that was the only time I’d ever seen it, so I imagine that even as a teenager I didn’t think much of it. Many years on, and when I saw it was freely available on one of the web based content…
Pedantically Proverbial
Music has charms to soothe the savage beast But it can annoy the neighbours at four in the morning And even at other times of day I’d imagine the savage beast Is soothed by some genres more than others The early bird catches the worm Although in truth So the late bird probably catches the…
James Explains Probability Amongst Other Things
Hang on to your hats, it’s explaining time! Although if I’m brutally honest, I can’t begin to explain why I opened with that particular line. But I will try and explain some other stuff that people have asked me this week. And I will do it right now! First up, and inspired by last week’s…
As Easy As ABC
As my output on this blog is currently quite prolific, I thought I might partake in another blogging challenge. Specifically the A-Z blogging challenge, in which the purpose is to write 26 posts in 26 days throughout April (there are admittedly 30 days in April but you you get four Sundays off so it all…
Magic Penguin And The Further Lowering Of The Bar
Magic Penguin and Mardy Puffin were enjoying a drink in the Slipper and Pager, an establishment neither was known to frequent. “It’s alright in here,” said Magic Penguin, “reasonably priced, good selection of craft beer, and the food looks pretty good too.” “It’s not bad,” agreed Mardy Puffin, “I prefer the Sandal and Fax, but…
A Saturday Story
It was Saturday and therefore the day that James usually liked to post a short story on his blog. But this particular Saturday had been quite a busy one, and he wasn’t sure if he had adequate time to do so. He had woken up relatively early, though by the gruelling standards set by his…
Pochi Vedono Come Siamo, Ma Tutti Vedono Quello Che Fingiamo Di Essere
It’s Friday, so hang up your scruples and enjoy a few vices. But don’t do anything too Machiavellian. Unless you want to of course. I have gone with a Machievellian theme for this week’s ‘Artist’s Corner’ Because this week I present my fairly rubbish drawing of none other than Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli, a man…
A Post In Which I Answer A Load Of Film-Related Questions That Someone Asked Me In the Comments Section Of A Different Post I Wrote
It’s Thursday, which in recent months has been the day I have posted an unnecessary review of a film I watched when I was younger. But this week I’m posting something a little different. Because a few weeks back, in the comments section of one my Tuesday ‘James Explains’ features, I found a load of…
Thank You For Calling
Thank you for calling Faceless Insurance, Utilities and Mortgages All of our operatives are currently busy However your call is important to us and will be answered shortly Here is some prog rock To keep you entertained while you wait If you’d rather not wait, you could just check The frequently asked questions bit on…
James Explains Onomatopoeia Amongst Other Things
Hello truth seekers, and welcome back to the bit of my blog where I answer the difficult questions that other blogs choose to ignore. Mostly because they weren’t asked them. But I was asked them. So I will answer them. Because that seems like the polite thing to do. To kick us off, Pete asks:…
Thawed For The Day
I was struggling to think of what to write today, and almost didn’t bother posting. But I’m on such a hot blogging streak at the moment (this being my 133rd post in 133 consecutive days) that I was reluctant to not write anything. I feel the run is likely to come to an end soon,…
Magic Penguin And The Return Of The Main Characters
Magic Penguin, Fat Giraffe and Mystic Mouse were enjoying a few drinks in the Shoe and Phone one afternoon as they tended to do with monotonous regularity. “So, we’re back then,” observed Mystic Mouse. “What do you mean?” asked Fat Giraffe, “We’re always in the pub. We literally don’t do anything else.” “Yes, but last…
Quality Of Life
Neville rubbed his eyes wearily. It had been a long day of meetings. Meetings about progress, meetings about strategy, meetings about personnel, meetings about finance, meetings about data and at one point, Neville was fairly certain, there had been a meeting about meetings. The majority of these gatherings had followed a similar format. They began…
Nowhere So Busy A Man As He Than He, And Yet He Seemed Busier Than He Was
Ah, tis Friday, the day that cometh at the end of the week and doth mark the weekend. And, after something of a European tour of literary greats, I return to these shores for one of our own. And if Shakespeare is very much the scourge of the GCSE English student, then Chaucer must surely…
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 10: Romancing The Stone
1984’s Romancing The Stone is perhaps as rare an entity as the eponymous gemstone around which much of the movie is centred. Very much a film of its time in some respects (soundtrack being the most obvious), it’s timeless in others, combining a classic adventure story with many of the elements that form the basis…
Snow Regrets
Where did all the snow go? There was so much last week But now the temperature has risen And the weather is less bleak I don’t know if it’s better Now that weather is more bland I think I quite enjoyed The winter wonderland It might have been too cold And hard to get around…
James Explains The Early Signs Of Madness Amongst Other Things
It’s Tuesday and therefore it’s time for me to get my ‘explaining hat’ on and do me some explaining. Although, alas, the ‘explaining hat’ is entirely metaphorical. I couldn’t afford a non-metaphorical ‘explaining hat’. Also they don’t exist. So hatless I come to explain. And what questions I have to answer this week. Well these…
There’s No Day Like A Snow Day
After the recent bout of inclement weather, caused by either ‘The Beast From The East’ or ‘Storm Emma’, which may be the same thing or might be entirely different things, I am happy to report that all appears to have returned to normal vis-a-vis the British weather. Or it has where I live anyway, which…
Magic Penguin And The Missing Main Characters
Mardy Puffin, Fast Gibbon and Mistaken Moose were enjoying a drink in the Sandal and Fax, as was their way. “Something’s not right,” said Mistaken Moose. “I think you’re mistaken,” said Mardy Puffin. “That’s right, I am,” agreed Mistaken Moose, “I’m Mistaken Moose. What’s that got to do with my original observation?” “No, I mean…
Distractions
Tim looked longingly out of his window. The sky was blue, the sunlight was reflecting brightly off the white wall of the convenience store across the road and the trees that lined the more affluent streets at the far end of his own were swaying gently in the breeze. There was still something of a…
Mit Dem Wissen Wächst Der Zweifel
This week’s literary great, captured in my inimitable artistic style, is one Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, who was a German writer of not inconsiderable repute. As with so many of the literary figures I’ve featured, I’ve never read anything he’s written, but I hear he was pretty good. Maybe I’ll learn German. There’s a whole load…
Films I Watched When I Was Younger – Issue 9: Basic Instinct
As a teenager there was really only one reason that I, or any of my friends, bothered to watch 1992’s Basic Instinct. In much the same way as you might have raised an eyebrow had anyone claimed that they read Playboy for the articles (obviously before the internet removed the necessity for such lies –…
James Proclaims! 